Hi

[Marigold]

I started on OOTS. They suggested I check out the information here because it sounded like my main problem right now is coercive control by my H.

My father was physically abusive to my mother, but I thought that was normal growing up. I was sexually abused by a neighbor when I was 7, but I didn't think it counted because the abuser was a girl and she was only 5 or 6 years older than me. I went through counselling as a young adult because my life sucked, but I was too ashamed to talk about the issues from my childhood. Guys and friends would keep taking advantage of me.

Then I met my H. He seemed so perfect at first, but I should have paid attention to the warning signs. Things slowly worsened when we married and then had kids, but everyone made excuses for his behaviour, including me. Now I see how my kids are being affected, so I have to do something.

Getting through to domestic violence and crisis helplines when my H is not here has not worked. Especially these days, there must be so many people in need, so the lines are busy. I was able to connect via chat, but was told to call instead, the person didn't think they could adequately help me via chat. She also warned me that if my kids spoke about the situation at school, CAS could become involved. I'm afraid to approach my doctor for the same reason.

Sorry for the long intro. I will continue to read through the info on the site and the forum to find other avenues for finding help, but I would welcome any push in the right direction.

[blunk]

Welcome Marigold. I'm so sorry for all that you have been through.
You will definitely find support and understanding here. Please feel free to share more of your story when you are ready.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. It sounds like a delicate and complicated circumstance you are living in. I am really glad you reached out here for support.
I am so sorry for how seriously hard things must be right now for you and your children.

The toolbox and resources all over the forum boards can be of good help for you. The conversations taking place are another form of insights and encouragement that I hope will be a boost to you as you figure out the safest way forward.

Document, document, document the things that are transpiring somewhere that is private and safe.

I want to include a few resources that may be good to have at your fingertips:
https://www.thehotline.org
a very good article about creating a safety plan: https://www.thehotline.org/create-a-domestic-violence-safety-plan/
and a link to the Mosaic Risk Assessment - a tool for you to use to help determine risk: https://www.mosaicmethod.com

And Out of the FOG's Emergency links: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Keep coming back as you are able and letting us know how you and your kiddos are doing. Strength and much wisdom to you!

[11JB68]

Welcome. The control issues can be hard to articulate and explain to others. I've done a lot of reading about this issue. I feel I've experienced this with my own Updh. You'll find lots of support and resources here

[Marigold]

Thank you all for the resources and support. This forum and the forum at OOTS have been a lifeline.

The gaslighting is horrible. The few people that have seen my H at his worst either cover up for him (his family), or my H discredits and tries to convince me that they are as dysfunctional as I am (my family and friends). Over the 20 years I've been with my H, I've isolated myself and my kids from everyone he said was trying to take advantage or didn't have our best interest at heart. I've become someone I don't like anymore. My kids are getting fleas (I think that was the term).

My H is so convincing when he says that me and the kids are the problem. H says we should do what he tells us to do because he knows best and any difficulties we are experiencing are my fault. Any mistakes he's made are in the past and should not be brought up.

Even though everyone is so supportive and kind in the forums, I also feel really guilty about posting and taking up your time, both here and on OOTS. How messed up is that?

[Worthy of Care]

Welcome, Marigold. You are worthy to be heard and understood.