Howdy

Started by poopylala, November 20, 2021, 10:06:57 PM

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poopylala

Hey y'all,

First post here. I've been lurking for a few hours and realized I needed to join and post. As much as it saddens me that others have experienced so much pain, it is also comforting to know I am not alone.

I'll try to keep it short and simple. My dad is a narcissist and I'm at the point where I'm looking to go NC finally. Hopefully, the rest of what I say makes sense!

I was a typical daddy's girl until I turned 8, when I realized that he only cares about himself. He was away on a business trip but he came home early as a surprise. When he got my behavior report for the day (I was a very talkative kid, teacher and parents were on a first name basis), he was mad that it said I talked more than usual and said, "this is the thanks I get for coming home early?" As If I knew I was planning that.. and my excitement for my birthday was why I talked more. Anyway, it's when I truly understood he didn't get me, he was in it for himself. My parents split shortly after that and I was relieved.

Fast forward to my teen years, I was very rebellious but in a pretty tame way. I colored my hair, painted my nails purple or black, etc kind of stuff. I began to do everything the opposite of him- if he walked right left right, I walked left right left.  It wasn't until I was in therapy in college that I learned my rebellion always revolves around what he did. Therapy in college was extremely eye-opening and helpful in so many ways.

My mom was my best friend although I didn't always feel that way as a teenager! My college years brought us closer together and we talked a lot about things. My dad used me to meet women when I was little by having me go up to them and say, "my dad thinks you're cute" as an ice breaker- I must have been 5 or so when he did that. My dad apparently cheated multiple times on my mom before and after she had me and people never outright told her but subtly hinted it; she didn't want to face it then but it came out around the time when she kicked him out.

My dad was very controlling and aggressive. He's a former police officer and used all kinds of mental tactics to scare you into complying. It wasn't until my first college roommate (longtime friend who knew all the backstory) took my phone when he made his daily call to check in on me  and it resulted in a panic attack. She helped me realize I didn't need to be at his beck and call while living away in my college dorm. I was so brainwashed to do everything he told me even when I was legally an adult!

My mom died suddenly in 2018 and legally, they were still married (co-owned a business and a divorce would've been too expensive) so I called him to sign paperwork. Because of that, I had to deal with him for most of her affairs. It was beyond awful. As my therapist said, I had to grieve the loss of my mom with my abuser (who also abused her, as well).

As many on here know, abuse by a narcissist isn't necessarily physical. Sure, there were threats of being slapped. He also put his hands on my body in ways that let me know he had the power (hand on the back of my neck in a power hold, hand on my thigh while he drove) and made comments about my body. To this day, if I know I have to see him, I make sure I don't wear anything that shows any part of my body off. Everything he did let me know who was in control. I learned from a young age to read his body language to anticipate if I was safe or not.


May of this year, we finally got my mom's house sold. He was hospitalized for alcohol withdrawals and I used my DPOA to access his bank account to wire half the amount to pay off my mortgage. The original plan was all that money would go to me as my "mom's legacy" but then he changed it to enough to pay my mortgage and he kept the rest. His family felt all the money should have gone to me but his girlfriend (I love her to pieces) helped me get everything so I could get at least the amount for my mortgage. While I appreciate being in my 30s with no mortgage, I didn't need all the money BUT I didn't want him to pocket any. His family doesn't care for him. My uncle (his brother) and I have talked about me going NC and he feels the entire family will be on my side and support me.

I got engaged last month and my dad said he wanted to be the first one to spend Thanksgiving with us as an engaged couple. The part where he said he wanted to be first really got to me. I turned down his girlfriend's Thanksgiving dinner offer by saying we were going out of town. He later texted me that, "I wish you could respond to her with more kindness; she loves you and wants us all to celebrate. We want to find a date to celebrate Christmas." I was baffled as to how my response was not kind.

With the holidays nearing, my new engagement, and the idea of my future, I realize that he brings nothing positive to my life. He was hospitalized twice this summer and both times, I used my healthcare background to help his girlfriend navigate his care but beyond that, I have had nothing but stress and anxiety regarding him. Even if we have a neutral interaction, I have nightmares before and/or after. The theme of my dreams and past reactions have lead my therapist to question if there's any history of sexual abuse I'm unaware of. I'd rather not know, tbh. If there isn't, he at least was a pro at always letting me know that he was in control of my personal space.



Phew. That was a lot. If you managed to read any of this, I thank you for your time and patience. I haven't thought about a lot of this since I started with my current therapist just after my mom died. I hope I made sense.

I would like to end this by saying I have an amazing fiancé who has been nothing but supportive and respectful. My therapist and my friends love him. He wants me to be happy and feel at peace. If I wanted to keep my dad in my life, he would support it but he fully supports me setting boundaries, saying no, going limited contact for now until I'm ready to go full no contact. I just don't know how to go about making that leap to NC. Sigh.

notrightinthehead

Welcome! I am glad you found us. You are not alone and you will find people on here with similar background and experiences. You seem well Out of the FOG and on a good path to healing. Check out the Toolbox tab for strategies when you have to deal with your dad.
Check out the Dealing with PD parents and Going NC with a PD parent tabs as well. See you around on the boards!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Worthy of Care

Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story.