PDMIL divorcing FIL: what's the truth?

[NynaeveAM]

 

COVID restrictions in our country automatically created a VLC situation with ILs. But since they lifted the restrictions, that sweet VLC is ending.

BIL announced his wedding to his girlfriend a couple of months ago and the calm we had been getting used to shattered. PDMIL decided soon after that to ruin their happiness (and all ours too) and somehow bring the attention back to her.

Claimed to have stopped eating, got so depressed that she took a sabbatical from her job, started living on her couch and then announced she wanted to break up with FIL. These announcements continued for 3 months. She'd call everyone in the family (2 BILs and DH) and talk endlessly about "her plan". Then these calls would continue between DH and BILs alone for hours where they tried to decide what to do. 

After 3 months of this, she finally told FIL, who broke down completely. She went to a medical retreat for a month and the drama continued from there as well. Calls, more drama, calls, more drama. Endless calls, FIL breaking down over the phone and so on.

PDMIL is in her mid-fifties. Never lived alone in her entire life. Now suddenly claiming to search for apartments. Lives in a small village where everyone is up in your business. Neither FIL or her can afford to keep the house if one moves out. Now it's turning out that she may lose her job anyway because she wasn't doing it right and the school board had to be involved (she's a teacher).

DH is all about rushing to her side to help her move. My parents are visiting for Christmas (from another country!) and I just found out that DH was planning to go visit his parents for Christmas, leaving us behind for a couple of days in the middle of our trip. Huh?

She says she will move out but is still planning for Christmas as their house together. Told DH I'd believe it when she's out of the house. My biggest fear is that she will move out and then have her sons at her beck and call because she's a poor victim of a sad marriage. FIL never hurt her, is a good man, maybe has some problems (like not being a good listener) but nothing that can't be sorted with some work. He just can't stand up for himself (hence enabling her all these years).

I fear the calm is over and things are going to get rough again. If she finds out my parents are visiting, she will for sure try to throw a wrench in our happiness. We are not planning on telling her but DH may have blabbed to BILs! 

Sorry, just a long vent I guess. All manufactured drama.

[bloomie]

NynaeveAM - how sad the peace and quiet you have enjoyed has ended. I am sorry that everyone that loves these two grown parental figures is going through the emotional swirl with them.

Here's what I gather from what you shared...

mil has had the benefit of 3 months of a sabbatical, 1 month of a medical retreat, numerous calls and conversations about her troubles and issues from her adult children, a H that she has rejected that is still running to her side and she now is planning holiday celebration at her home in the midst of the circus that is her current situation with your fil and is simultaneously planning a move her children must help her with to some nebulous apartment yet to be determined.

Did I get most of that right? 

Seems like she has already had extended, professional support with her issues and the relational and financial  stuff is between the two of them and not something anyone else can figure out or change or control or cure for them.  There are highly trained professionals for those issues, too.

I know that when adult parents melt down and their lives fall apart, and their health, relationship, financial situation take a steep downturn, it can feel like this consuming emergency. When one has been conditioned to walk in hyper vigilance and we have emotionally immature parents who see the solution to all of their issues as coming from their children, or some source outside themselves, it is very hard to keep our heads. I have been there and I can so relate to your DH in the FOG that has rolled in for him and his sibs. My heart goes out to all of you.

When faced with the enmeshed system that says..."no one's okay if mom or dad is not okay" the best way I know how to stay sane is to think very clearly and calmly about what is mine to do.

So... what is yours to do in the midst of the holiday plans and needs of your own very important life and children's lives? Whatever that is... do that with intention and all of your heart.

Your H and his brothers may spend many more hours talking and planning and disrupting their own lives for two adults who refuse to manage their own lives and difficulties. You don't have to participate. You don't have to go all in emotionally. You can calmly and quietly show support: 'sounds hard' 'sorry to hear that' and leave it there without adding any energy or legitimacy to it.

Stay the course. You have learned you can trust your instincts.

If your H leaving in the middle of your holiday plans to run to two adult human's sides and help them move doesn't work for you and your family of choice is it possible to negotiate another plan? If you need to limit the time spent even talking about all of this, is that something you can work through together? Is there a neutral 3rd party... pastor, rabbi, trusted elder couple or friend that you both can talk this through with and get some perspective and support face to face with?

This is hard, don't doubt it for a minute. It is so wise to continue sharing here and to take good care of you and your FOC in the midst of all of this. Grateful, too that you have your parent's visit to look forward to.

We have learned here at Out of the FOG that boundaries and staying focused on what we can control, change, cure is always a safe and sound home base to make our way back to.

We are here listening and here to support you as you need in the coming days. Strength and great wisdom to you!

[Leonor]

 

Hi Nynae,

Egads! What an operatic performance!

I totally empathize with you, having chaos manufacture inlaws myself, and agree with Bloomie that boundaries are just so necessary for your peace if mind right now.

It's like the pd inlaws have a lever that spins the world around, and whenever they're feeling lonely, anxious, bored, whatever, they yank it. And SWOOSH! Everyone around them is pulled into the whirlpool.

They've done such a good job of parentifying their children that the children forget that these are adults, and were adults, before they were even born! They were all grown up and paying bills and going to work and putting food on the table for years before your dh and his brothers were even toddlers. They can do this Life thing.

What is yours to consider isn't the five-alarm drama going on over yonder. I mean who knows? Maybe mil will leave FIL, and find herself a wealthy bachelor, and live the rest of her long life in an island mansion, while FIL discovers that his hobby is so fulfilling that he starts to make YouTube videos and becomes a social media celebrity.

What comes into your orbit is the holiday plan. That is an issue, because dh is making a choice of breaking a promise to you to cater to ILs. It's not up to you to suck it up and facilitate the nonsense. But you don't need to get into the nonsense with dh either. Just, "Gee honey, these plans are important to me. I'm really looking forward to a lovely holiday with you. I know the sitch with your folks is upsetting, but how can we make this work?"

[NynaeveAM]

Bloomie -
My last post on this forum was in 2019. I remember you. The other day doing some deep cleaning, I came across responses from this forum that I had printed out and highlighted. I realized when you don't have issues for a while, you tend to forget about it all, hoovers, manipulation, pathological lying. I took everything she said at face value until I realized she was duping all of us again. Good thing is that DH has made the same conclusions this time and he made them before I did. The tide is turning.

However, yes, boundaries. I've cracked open the Cloud & Townsend book again. Just trying to take it day by day. I'm feeling betrayed by myself to be honest. I knew all of this, why did I get involved in the first place and believe her when she told lies about FIL? The feeling of betrayal also sticks around because she's the reason we couldn't celebrate our milestones in the past, had to keep our own darn wedding secret, and so on. I've worked on all of this in the past and it's coming up again nevertheless. I worked on my boundaries a lot too in the past years. I just let my guard down.

Leonor-
That's how I talked to DH. Just a few lines, saying we planned for this visit and it's important for us to have him there with us for Christmas. I said my parents will be really disappointed and it's not like we're meeting them every year, this is the first time in years. So he agreed to forgo that trip to the circus for now.

Thank you, both of you, for responding. I'm grateful.