How do I shift the burden in this particular case?

[square]

H will police my affect and if he's not fully satisfied that I'm ecstatic he starts in with "you ok?"

Sometimes he has correctly intuited that I'm irritated with him. But since working things out or being honest is not a remote possibility, I just need a little time to stuff it down. Having him on my case adds to my burden here. To be clear, he'd be reacting to very subtle things; I'm not storming around and shooting him daggar eyes (he would think otherwise) so I'm already managing to cover up 96% of my feelings. So I need him to back off so I can get the rest of the way there.

The most common scenario is when I'm sick or tired or something. This is also the hardest scenario for me. I literally do not have the energy to be propping him up and taking care of him and floofing him when I DON'T FEEL WELL. I really feel like, for ONCE, he can take care of ME.

The last scenario is that I have no idea what he's on about. I think for a while he was turning it up because maybe I was squinting a bit as I lost some of my vision? Who knows.

The bottom line is, I want to figure out a response that refuses the burden. If he's worried I'm rejecting him, then he can step forward and do the work to floof ME up. If he is terrified I don't love him anymore, then threatening a blowup isn't exactly going to make me feel all gushy toward him. It will make me feel like walking right out.

I have actually explained this to him. I do believe some of it actually got through but he still reverts in terror to this behavior. I want a response that reminds him, if he's worried, then pick up a damn bucket and start bailing instead of throwing the bucket at me when I have my own hands full.

Usually it goes like this.

H: You ok?
Me: (GR) Yup.
A minute later
H: You ok?
Me: (Irritated) Why?
H: Because you don't seem ok.
Me: I'm tired. (Inwardly screaming that I'm forced to play this stupid game.)

From there, he may drop it or he may keep pecking. It does not EVER end well if he keeps pecking. So why does he do it? "I'm terrified you're mad at me, so let me peck at you until you certainly are."

Any suggestions for better responses from me?

[losingmyself]

Could it go like this
H: You ok?
S: I'm just tired/feeling sick/feeling suffocated, like my head's going to explode.  (probably not that last one!) I could use some rest/hot soup/alone time.

You answered his question and told him what you need, all in one sentence. If he realizes that you just asked him for help, he'll either do what you asked, like bring you a cup of hot soup, or retreat because you need something. Either way, this conversation should be concluded.
I have found that it's easier to answer that question with something, because it avoids the chance that he'll find a thing to be mad about, and the conversation will continue. If I say I'm fine, he gets angry because he says I'm lying.
Good luck, Square

[square]

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

I'll let you know how it goes 

[11JB68]

Hmmm.....I feel like I've tried both approaches... Not much success....
Please let us know how it goes, maybe I'll try again

[1footouttadefog]

You okay, yup, you okay, you don't seem alright etc etc.

Answer the second time.

Do you remember the game tiddly winks.  I am not sire anyone was ever good at that.

Answer another time...... What color were the different tiddly wins chips, let see red green,....

When I go to super trivial boring stuff like that mine drops me like a hot potato.

[Associate of Daniel]

Tiddley Winks!  I loved that game as a child.   I didn't think there was anyone else in the world who knew of it!

How about Pick Up Sticks and 52 Pick Up?

Ok.  Back to the serious stuff now...

[square]

52 pick up is NOT a game to the one stuck playing it lol.

I think it may work for my situation.

First, I'd actually specify a stress or worry, which avoids the trap I fall in when I try to dodge. If I don't feel well, I'll cite the true stressor. Otherwise I'll just name something else. Suddenly, we're no longer in a struggle to make me admit I'm not in rapture. We're talking about something else.

Second, giving him a concrete way to help me has a number of possible effects. It further keeps the subject away from me and my illegal feelings. Now instead of the burden being on me to convince him, it's on him to choose how to respond.

I don't see him making me soup anymore, ten years ago he would have but now he would really resent that. But he would be willing to fetch aspirin if I asked. Bam, now he feels like he solved something for me, and we're no longer caught in the corner.

Or if I'm not unwell, I can just share whatever current unsolvable stressor I have. There's always something because everything has to pile up and be ignored. I won't ask him to do anything, just share that I'm worried about X. He can volunteer or not. Either way, now we're talking about that, not me and my illegal feelings.

I'm not able to answer "I'm fine" more than twice max without it falling apart. H has OCD and after a lifetime of answering the same damn question over and over, I really am unable to prevent the tiniest note of exasperation sneaking in. Since we're literally discussing my most subtle expressions, he will always pick up on it and it's off to the races. So the subject MUST be changed.

[losingmyself]

Yes, always change the subject immediately. Preferably to him, which is his favorite subject.  Like "We've talked enough about me. Let's talk about you!"  "OOH great idea!"

[square]

Mine's paranoid, not narc