Help leaving. What kind of therapy?

[eidolon]

I recently joined here. I posted what is more or less my situation in my introduction thread here https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89858.msg767787#msg767787 for anyone that would like to read it. The gist of it is that the situation is fairly unique in that the person I am leaving is not a partner, but a friend, and that the entire relationship is online. It is also unique in that my choosing to leave this person has disastrous consequences for them: namely, without me she has no support, including no place to live. she has no money, no family, no one in the city she lives in, and she's in the process of being kicked out of where she lives due to repeated physical abuse of her roommate.

Even with this in mind, I have chosen to leave, because I simply cannot do it anymore. It is no longer possible. After I made this decision I broke down to the point that I was being taken to a hospital for a psych hold that I managed to get out of. I know the road ahead is going to be extremely difficult for me, so I need help trying to figure out exactly what kind of therapist I should be looking for. I've never been to therapy before, so I have no real idea how to search for someone that would actually be useful. On top of this, while I know that guilt is often present in people who leave or are left by abusers and people with personality disorders, for me dealing with the guilt of leaving is the hardest part, given the extreme situation in which I have left my friend. I know I had to leave, but I can't excuse myself for having done it, and I know there will come a time very soon where she will be attempting to contact me while homeless asking for help or informing me that this is the last conversation before she kills herself. I will not be able to completely deny her, but I am simply not capable of doing what I was doing before. When I left, she 1) accused me of leaving her to die, 2) threatened to kill me if she ever saw me, 3) told me to 'watch the local news tomorrow,' 3) let me know that she was on the way to buy a gun with the last of her money (I asked her roommate if she was still there, and she was, which means that I at least know that if she did in fact buy a gun she has not yet used it). If I went back, this would keep happening.

But yeah, any advise of methodologies or areas of expertise I should be looking for in a therapist would be helpful. I don't know if there are people who specialize in victims of borderline abuse particularly, but I guess that might be a place to start? Or the guilt. I don't know the ways in which the work together. I'm not exactly of the soundest mind these last few days.

[1footouttadefog]

I would think that someone experienced in working with trauma victims would be good, someone experienced with personality disorders in particular might be better.

Your purpose is to deal with the impacts this has all had on you and to explore how it happened and what made you vulnerable and things like that.  Perhaps identifying lessons learned and how to strengthen weaknesses and vulnerabilities would also be a part of it .

Unless you have a PD, it will likely not be super important that the therapist be specialized in PDs.  Therapy is for you, not the online friend.  It's not to rehash it all or to figure them out or to fix them.

I am sorry you had such a negative experience that impacted you this way.  That it happened online means it was especially intense in my estimation.

I hope you are soon able to sort out all of this and that you find yourself coming from a position if strength and healing soon.  Ending it is a huge step toward the best rest of your life. 

There is a toolbox section in this site with alot of good "rules" to help gain perspective.  Hang around and read others stories, and know you are not alone.

Be kind to your self.

[moglow]

"Your purpose is to deal with the impacts this has all had on you and to explore how it happened and what made you vulnerable and things like that.  Perhaps identifying lessons learned and how to strengthen weaknesses and vulnerabilities would also be a part of it .

Unless you have a PD, it will likely not be super important that the therapist be specialized in PDs.  Therapy is for you, not the online friend.  It's not to rehash it figure then out if to fix them."

This!! This is all about and for you and your healing! Take baby steps if you must, but make the steps matter.

[eidolon]

well, she's threatening to kill me again.

[1footouttadefog]

I would become NC and change all passwords on all online accounts like emails and bank in my etc. 

Be careful of any new emails and don't click on any link in a text of email  as they could potentially install key logger or tracking stuff.