Why do I feel guilty for what Ex did to himself?

[gfuertes]

My step-son was in college when his dad and I got married, and is now married himself, with kids, and lives in a neighboring state.  When his (NPD...APD?) dad and I split up ~18 months ago, SS - completely on his own initiative - told his dad that he (SS) and his family would continue celebrating holidays with me; that he expected I would continue to invite Ex; so it would be up to Ex to get along with me well enough to facilitate this.

No doubt, many would advise against inviting Ex to my home for holidays.  I see the wisdom in that.  Nevertheless, I'm open to it.  I invited Ex over last Christmas morning, to celebrate with our son (then 12,) and that went fine, even though - because of the pandemic - it was just the 3 of us.  I imagine the buffer of having plenty of other people there would make it even easier.  But since I didn't host Thanksgiving last year, I wasn't sure SS still wanted to do what he'd said 18 months ago.

In short, he did.  But Ex did not want to come over.  He normally has an overnight with our younger son on Wed., so I told him to go ahead and keep our son for part of the day, if he'd like to celebrate Thanksgiving with him separately (even though this was "my" year for the holiday.)  I always serve Thanksgiving dinner "late", around 6, anyway.  No, Ex chose to bring our son home in the morning like he does on school days.  I reminded Ex that he and his mother (who lives with him) were still welcome for dinner.  He declined, and implied that I should know his mother would "never" agree to eat with me.  I've done nothing to cause hostility with her, but I didn't follow him down that rabbit hole.

When SS left his bio mom's celebration to head to mine, he sent a group text to me and his dad, that he was on the way, encouraging his dad to join him.  Ex responded with a rather pitiful text that he was eating alone with his mother.  Our 13-y-o son (having spent last night with Ex) commented separately that his dad had said he was just hanging out at his house alone, which S-13 found sad.

Ex has had a string of GFs/hook-ups, so he may well have spent Thanksgiving with one of those women.  Either way, I feel bad for him because the combination of his personality and his difficult, limited mother resulted in him not celebrating Thanksgiving with any of his kids.  And I know he will not see that he could have made other choices.  In his mind, this will affirm his perceived need to manipulate and control everything around him, since otherwise his needs/wants will never be met; and affirm the idea that I'm in competition with him over our kids.

But it goes beyond pitying him.  I feel guilty, the way you do when you win something too easily.  I wasn't trying to "win" Thanksgiving.  But it was an absolutely lovely evening in every way, and my heart is so full because SS and his wife still want to treat me as family when they don't "have" to.  And I know this is not what Ex wanted.  And I'm concerned that me feeling guilty here is unhealthy.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Sounds to me like you are a caring and empathic person who would like to see the father of your child(ren) making better choices and doing better in general. As you are a lovely person, I think feeling a little bit of guilt about the difference in circumstances, especially in the first few years post-split, is completely natural and healthy. 
Don't let it torture you.   

[looloo]

Your empathy and compassion did a bit of a backflip, and that's why you feel guilty (at least that's my take).  Maybe it would be helpful to focus, or envision "flipping" the guilty feelings into warm and fuzzy feelings of gratitude.  And then let it go.  Give yourself a break from the feelings or responsibility for the choices others make.  Sounds like a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[1footouttadefog]

Your ex has pursued no strings attached sexual conquests.  He got what he wanted.

Had he been pursuing friendships or long term relationships and attending a church irncivie club he would have been invited to many TDays as the poor bachelor guy or invited by a real girlfriend not an FOB.

If he had other options and declined it's all on him.  He likely chose to stay home and sulk for the N supply it brings him to know folks feel sorry for him. 

He could also have book a reservation nice to take his mother out. 

Not your circus any more

[JustKeepTrying]

 

Feel your feelings.  Whether it's guilt or frustration they are still valid.

From what you described he is manipulating his DS and SS and you by declining the invite.  You react with guilt and sympathy - and he looks like a martyer.  Win win for him.  Poor poor him.

Don't get sucked in.  You know the truth.