UNPDDAD revving up for Christmas and his birthday

[nanotech]

We've invited UNPDdad  for Christmas dinner. Due to lockdown plus his own self imposed restrictions on us during COVID, it's the first time I will see him in the flesh since Christmas 2019.
At the moment lol, all he wants to discuss are arrangements next year for his 90th birthday. I'm NC with the toxic siblings except for weddings/ funerals. This isn't an official stance, and I'm medium chilling at present while knowing I won't be attending either party. He wants a family meal out  around his actual birthday ( early spring) then a big bash function in the summer.
Ten years ago when I still pretty much in the fog, yet waking up, I contributed to, and attended his 80th. It was dreadful.  He ignored my family. His top table included his golfing friends, and just one of his children, UNPDGCbrother along with his extended in laws.
His daughters and our late mum's little sister were all on ordinary tables.
As well as this, our late mum's sister got ignored while he sat and spoke and laughed with people the family didn't know.  Because he's a bit of a cheapskate, he had declined to pay for menu choice cards to be on tables.  He had also declined any help in terms of recording meal choices.  There were mistakes made ( by dad) on the food orders then someone chose the chicken instead of the beef. My auntie, who followed a special diet, was left with no meal. UNPDdad fumed and  ended up interrogating all of his guests, table by table, on what they'd eaten. With notebook and pen! There was a concerted effort to blame me and mine for the issue. Lots of knowing looks and nudges. Our table got interrogated twice!
Luckily, it wasn't us.  It was mostly dad's  mess up - he'd under ordered on the meat. Then someone had changed their mind on the day, not realising it would be a problem.
I vowed that day, after that, I wouldn't  attend his 90th. Other things had happened too. Dad and GC Brother decided to do s the speeches when we weren't in the room. It was all a major snubbing exercise. As it had been with my brother's wedding.

I know Christmas Day will be all about these plans of his.  He's already tried to enlist me as chief financial provider and organiser. He's tried to talk me into ringing venues for prices.

I'm not going near it. I'll sit back, nod and smile and MC, and say I'll turn up.

Then I won't.

Hubby says the best thing is to go along a little, then make our excuses the day before the events.  We will Go see him of course, just us, at another time. They will all grumble, but I can deal with that.
Better than having to endure the passive aggressive remarks, the subtle bullying, the smirks and the mocking, the cold shouldering I and mine experienced in the past.  Why would I want to go? Seriously?  It's all supply for the toxic members, who then always go on to have ' the party after the party', where the abuse no doubt turns more overt and more cruel.
Since my BPDmum passed, the PDs have ratcheted  it up. This  'party after the party' has happened after nearly every special occasion. If the original one  it was a lunch date, the PDs would arrange to get together on their own that evening, for the great family party 'post mortem'.  If it was an evening do, then the NSIBS and their family would arrange theirs for the next day. 
I only discovered this was happening because my dad, as he got older, would forget himself and mention something that had been said, or something about that meal/ venue which alerted me that there'd been another gathering - after the gathering!
At first he would always quickly try to explain why me and mine hadn't been included- he'd say that it was a last minute decision, or he just joined my nephew for his evening meal at the hotel he was staying at and the others jus5 happened to as well, or some such thing. More recently, though, it's happened and he's been overt about it. He hasn't bothered to explain himself. Probably because I haven't objected to not being invited, he will take that as acceptance.
Dad likes it because he gets another party, and I know how my dad is. Once egged on, he enjoys bitching and gossiping. It's safe for him, because they won't repeat to me, anything said. It's all very sly and underhand.

I just feel like it's going to cast a huge shadow over 2022 from early spring to late summer.
Btw my dad persisted with the investigation on who had eaten the illegal chicken. Once he realised it was one of my GCbrother's in laws, the topic got dropped. He literally said he was never going to discuss it again. 

[bloomie]

nanotech - you describe the chicken caper (not Chicken with capers ) so well I am imagining the entire scene and feel like you were at the most recent bday extravaganza for our entitled elder.  It sounds like an awful experience - offensive and embarrassing!

These days.. I am taking the kick the can down the road approach when our own very entitled elder begins decreeing what we will all be planing for her next extravaganza celebration.

Who in this world knows what even a few months can bring in any of or lives much less when we are at that end of the life cycle. Your and your DH's thoughts to MC through it for the holidays and to not commit and engage is fantastic!

My own high conflict elder has been planning in excruciating detail what we call her "after party"  - her memorial service - for as long as I have known her. Decades. With pages of written instructions that are pulled out every so often and rearranged and discussed over and over again. It is the worst case of trying to control from the grave I have ever seen. Where we live there are still some strict restrictions on gatherings and after all of these decades of her careful planning... most likely her after party could be extremely small and nothing like she has envisioned for herself. Strange how things happen.

I just feel like it's going to cast a huge shadow over 2022 from early spring to late summer.

I am rooting for you to not let this hang over your heads and trouble your hearts going into the new year. And I am sending you steady strength for the holidays and much good use of your tools when you are face to face with all of this.

[nanotech]

Wow Bloomberg, what a wonderfully  uplifting post, thank you your 'chicken caper' reference has made me chuckle!
I'll take on board your advice to 'keep kicking the can down the road' and to not let the constant  mentioning and the fussing  and the nitpicking and the inflated ideas he has, get to me.

My boundary goes up now .

Thank you for sending me strength  and support, and reminding me that I actually have a choice as to whether to worry about this, or just disengage.
You are right to remind me that having the courage not to attend is only one part of it. The other part is to definitely NOT to spoil next year, dwelling on all of it, and waiting nervously for the 'fallout' when I don't go.
I won't be engaging in any old enmeshed patterns of behaviour.
 
Hey I really hope your relative ceases and desists on the  constant memorial discussions.  I can't believe that's gone on for decades. They just love talking about themselves being the centre of attention, don't they?  And yes they all want to control us from the grave.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm not going near it. I'll sit back, nod and smile and MC, and say I'll turn up.

Then I won't.

Hubby says the best thing is to go along a little, then make our excuses the day before the events.

Perfect! Sounds like the best thing to do. It's unfortunate that you'll have to hear him go on about it for so long though. But I guess it's better than other topics he could be repeating over and over! 

[Sneezy]

The chicken story is a classic  .  What a way to ruin his own party!

Good for you for putting up your boundaries here and now.  I wonder how many others will also choose to skip the 90th birthday party?  It's good that you and your hubby are on the same page, too.

[Worthy of Care]

I'm not going near it. I'll sit back, nod and smile and MC, and say I'll turn up.

Then I won't.

Supporting you and your decision.

[nanotech]

I'm not going near it. I'll sit back, nod and smile and MC, and say I'll turn up.

Then I won't.

Hubby says the best thing is to go along a little, then make our excuses the day before the events.

Perfect! Sounds like the best thing to do. It's unfortunate that you'll have to hear him go on about it for so long though. But I guess it's better than other topics he could be repeating over and over! 

Yes that's a very good point Sunny Meadow!  Thank you!

[nanotech]

The chicken story is a classic  .  What a way to ruin his own party!

Good for you for putting up your boundaries here and now.  I wonder how many others will also choose to skip the 90th birthday party?  It's good that you and your hubby are on the same page, too.

Oh that's interesting. I know enabling sis baled one year when I cried off from a family meal. Hubby thought she liked the 'safety in numbers' aspect!

[nanotech]

I'm not going near it. I'll sit back, nod and smile and MC, and say I'll turn up.

Then I won't.

Supporting you and your decision.

Thank you so much for this Worthy of Care. 😊

[nanotech]

Bloomie, apologies for the typo on your name!  I think it must have been the autocorrect  on my phone.   

[1footouttadefog]

I have never had an event like that one, however if I planned such a thing there w of you'd be several extra meals or each dinner ordered because my disorganized ADD self could never expect something like that to go smoothly.  I would expect a mixup, a mind changer, or someone dropping a plate or finding a hair or such.  For the comfort of all I would expect any slip to be addressed with a new plate.  So everyone could be comfortable and not have a pd or careless or clumsy person cause discomfort for others or themselves.  I consider that part of hosting.

Your story is directly the opposite and so unbelievably pd.  It's like a classic all inclusively perfect example of how a pd can effect a groups of people.

I am sorry you experienced such an awful over a piece of clucking fowl.  I don't blame you for skipping the next event.  There is no reason to set yourself up for more. 

[nanotech]

I have never had an event like that one, however if I planned such a thing there w of you'd be several extra meals or each dinner ordered because my disorganized ADD self could never expect something like that to go smoothly.  I would expect a mixup, a mind changer, or someone dropping a plate or finding a hair or such.  For the comfort of all I would expect any slip to be addressed with a new plate.  So everyone could be comfortable and not have a pd or careless or clumsy person cause discomfort for others or themselves.  I consider that part of hosting.

Your story is directly the opposite and so unbelievably pd.  It's like a classic all inclusively perfect example of how a pd can effect a groups of people.

I am sorry you experienced such an awful over a piece of clucking fowl.  I don't blame you for skipping the next event.  There is no reason to set yourself up for more.

Thanks so much onefootouttadefog.  Yes,  he said he had all the food orders correct and that he didn't need any help with that side of the planning. He said he had a brilliant 'system'!
Having done a bit of work on myself by then, re narcissistic people, I was pretty relieved he didn't ask for my help.

The venue, for events, always make a couple of extra of their meal choices, but because of my dad's mistakes, these were literally eaten up, leaving no room for error.
So the combination of his ordering error, and someone simply fancying chicken more than the beef when they were both offered round on platters to each table,
(the beef looked grim so I can't blame them) plus his failing to double check about Auntie's special diet meal, conspired to give him a problem, which of course he couldn't possibly blame himself for.

If he'd paid a bit extra for menu choice cards for each person, ( as recommended by the venue)  no one would have been asked, they just would have been served their choice.
If he'd sent out for food for my auntie, that would have solved it. The venue did cook her another meal, which sadly also had gluten  in it. She couldn't eat that either.
My dad I think, blamed her for having the diet need in the first place. She wasn't invited to any parties that followed.
She has since passed away.
UNPD dad had a good try at disrupting her funeral by feigning illness yet again. He didn't succeed.
Finally, why do they think that matching round accusing their guests is either a good look for them, or a good experience for their guests?

This time round, I think he's having a buffet!
No matter. Something else will 'spoil' the event for him.

[nanotech]

Update- he's ill. Think it's a cold, possibly a chest infection, but there's been major drama for two days. He's done lateral flow tests which are all showing negative.
He ignored my advice on Wednesday, to order a PCR, ring the GP and/ or 111.

UNPD niece has rung GP for him this morning, and she also ordered him a PCR Test last night. He's finding all sorts of reasons not to do the PCR.
He won't do it.
I now have UNPD niece suggesting I take him hot  meals. I live over 30 miles away and I'm currently looking after my grandchild.
He's spoken to the doctor. Chemist is dropping off antibiotics today.
There's a chance it could be covid. Yet he won't do the PCR. He went to a golf club Christmas meal last Friday. Lots of people crammed in one room, no one wearing a mask. He's nearly 90, usually fit and well, but it means that he will take risks he shouldn't.

Three siblings live in his home town. Yet it's me who gets the call.

Christmas with dad was already in doubt due to Omicron- now it is OFF. He's going to be too poorly to travel or to mix.  He has said so himself.  I'm in agreement! I don't fancy getting his infection, whatever it is.
He definitely doesn't fancy being around my grandkids(he goes on about kids being  super spreaders!)
Siblings won't be happy. Oh well!  🤷‍♀️ 😉

[bloomie]

nanotech - yikes! Seems very high risk given his age. I'm sorry this is happening.  I hope he does what he needs to figure out what is going on so that it can be treated accurately. 

I now have UNPD niece suggesting I take him hot  meals.

You could suggest back that she organize a Meal Train for locals to do porch drop off? Or contact Council on Aging (if in your dad's area) for meals on wheels? Lots of options other than you doing this and at that age, most don't eat all that much, especially if they are feeling yucky.

Stay strong! And let us know how things are going!

[nanotech]

Thanks Bloomie, all good advice.
Yes I've mentioned several times to him that at his age he's more than likely entitled to some help from social services, with shopping, and probably a bit of home help too. He refuses to engage with any of that.  He always says he's fine, he's independent....... head buried in the sand,  till something like this happens.
At his age ( if I get there!) I'll at least be in supported living, so as not to worry my kids. Hey, and to keep myself safe and happy!
I've spoken to him. He's up to warming up some soup, with buttered bread, he says.  He's had a good breakfast.
None of my three siblings will take him a meal. They just don't do this. We wouldn't hesitate to do it if we were local.
He said the worst thing was having to stand up to take the lateral flow tests, as he felt so weak.
I told him he must sit at the dining room table next time, but he's worried the surface 'isn't  clean enough'. Things don't have to be as hard as he makes it.

[nanotech]

He now says he's gonna do the PCR Monday, unless he's feeling better.
If he'd listened to me, and let me order him one on Monday, he'd now have the result. It's like talking to the wall.   
Bloomie, I'm in the UK so the services are a bit different- however you've made me think. If I contacted them and then they rang him, it's possible they could talk him into accepting their services. Thank you for that!