Holiday Ambush

[junedee]

Hello-
This is my first time posting, but I have been a long time lurker. My parents are divorced, my mom is uPD. The past 5 years since the divorce has been very VERY difficult with my uPD mom. She is a "queen" type with narcissistic traits and is often prone to EXTREME rages. After leaving my dad, she met someone online (immediately) and moved thousands of miles away from my (then) teenage brother to live with them. They have since become married.
My siblings (there are four of us) and I are all 18+ at this point and my brother (now that he isn't constrained by custody) doesn't want to visit my mom for the Holidays. She asked to Zoom with all of us on Thanksgiving, as we were all separated all over the country with our respective significant others and she wanted to wish us all Happy Thanksgiving.
As suspected, her intention was not to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving, but to ambush us about plans for Christmas, which she (of course) insisted should include the four of us and our partners traveling thousands of miles to her new state because being close to my father causes her "physical pain"  and she "refuses" to come to the state we all will be in because it will "kill" her. She even said, "I have given you all enough over the years. It is time you give something back to me."  (To make this even more insane, all of my siblings, myself, and all of our partners traveled to her state for her wedding to the person she left our father for UNDER A MONTH ago- where we all were put to work the entire time we were there with absolutely no acknowledgment)
About five minutes into the call and not getting the response she wanted (which would be 100% compliance to her will with no consideration for our feelings) she began screaming at the top of her lungs and crying hysterically, telling us all how much we don't love her and yada yada.
I have been the sibling who has had to put up the strongest boundaries because I am the chosen child who has taken the brunt of the abuse- so I very calmly said "What's best for me at the Holiday is incongruent with what's best for you and I will not be traveling to your state because it does not fit into my plans. You are welcome to come where we all will be gathered if you want. I hope you know that this doesn't effect how much I love you, but it's simply a choice I am making for myself." Well of course this sent her spinning and she came at me like I had just tried to murder her. So I said "I am getting off this call. I do not need to take this." and hung up.
My siblings stayed on the line for 1 hour longer! The whole time texting me giving me details on how crazy our mom was being. They all see her for how she is and don't like her, but are still stuck under her reign and aren't ready to make their own boundaries. Thankfully they are respectful of my boundaries and are not mad that I have them.
Like clockwork, after the Zoom call wrapped up, she sent me a three page long, rage text. I gave my phone to my partner and had them read the text for me and delete it, so that I didn't have to endure the rage.  I asked my partner to give me one word so I could get the gist and they said the text included the word "unfeminist"  Because somehow me not wanting to travel for Christmas is not feminist???
Today- my mom posted a long post on Instagram about how her family is abusive and that she is a victim of abandonment because she chose to escape the abuse cycle by moving away
At this point, I don't even know what to do. I am very proud of myself for speaking in "I" statements, hanging up when the emotional abuse got out of hand, and deleting her text rampage without reading it, but I am left feeling SO angry. I just hate my mom so much and she has hurt me so much in so many ways and truly, to her core believes that she is the victim and that my siblings, my father, and myself are the abusers.
I think I just needed to rant/some validation because I am at my wits end. I have had to do so much work to make myself whole after being raised by a person who is not able to see beyond her own experience and feelings. And learning to set boundaries has been YEARS of trial and error and pain and I just am so tired.
Is there anything left for me to do besides go no contact? I just want peace.
Thank you for reading <3

[bloomie]

junedee - Hi there. Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so glad you have officially joined the community.

Wow! What a long journey culminating in this latest awful scene you and your sibs endured. I am beyond impressed with your level headed response and strong 'no' in the face of such raging and manipulations.

Refusing to cooperate with abuse like you are doing and not subjecting yourself to reading a vitriolic text that was sent your way because a grown woman, mother of four no less, cannot tolerate being told something she is wanting does not work for you is impressive.

I have had to do so much work to make myself whole after being raised by a person who is not able to see beyond her own experience and feelings. And learning to set boundaries has been YEARS of trial and error and pain and I just am so tired.
Is there anything left for me to do besides go no contact? I just want peace.

Here's the thing you already know though... all of this, the atmosphere and chaos it brings when a parent is this broken and out of control emotionally takes a very big toll. Even when we step away and take a break from it all. And you can do that quietly by doing things like setting your mom's SM accounts to not be able to see her posts for starters.

Doing circles of intimacy work (where we learn to put people that make abusive choices, who refuse to manage their harmful behaviors, and who are not safe out to a level of connection we can handle - whatever we determine that to be) and learning to recognize trauma bonding and trauma responses within myself from my own childhood have been so helpful and takes such energy.

Making your own life, your own healing, your own plans and desires and dreams and relationships priority one is what happens naturally and fairly uneventfully within healthy family systems. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and heading to higher ground where it is clear and healthy and lovely and filled with peace. You will get there and we are here to support you along the way.

Reaching out here for support, having your partner pre read the text and delete it, staying in supportive contact with your siblings and maintaining a loving relationship with your dad - these are the things that will also continue to empower and sustain you.

I am really glad you are here. Thanks for giving us a bit of a snapshot of the challenges you are facing. I hope you find your time here as much help as I have! Again, welcome!

[SunnyMeadow]

At this point, I don't even know what to do. I am very proud of myself for speaking in "I" statements, hanging up when the emotional abuse got out of hand, and deleting her text rampage without reading it, but I am left feeling SO angry. I just hate my mom so much and she has hurt me so much in so many ways and truly, to her core believes that she is the victim and that my siblings, my father, and myself are the abusers.

I'm proud of you too junedee! You are a fully grown adult and you don't have to take her abuse and poor me diatribes. Honestly, who do they think they are??    I've heard similar things from my uNPDmother and it's ridiculous.

I think I just needed to rant/some validation because I am at my wits end. I have had to do so much work to make myself whole after being raised by a person who is not able to see beyond her own experience and feelings. And learning to set boundaries has been YEARS of trial and error and pain and I just am so tired.
Is there anything left for me to do besides go no contact? I just want peace.
Thank you for reading <3

I understand wanting peace and hating your mother. I feel that way most of the time. I think you've shown your strength by standing up for yourself and removing yourself from the zoom call. You don't need that garbage. I mean, screaming at the top of her lungs because you guys wouldn't drop any other plans to travel to her? Very selfish and childish. I would even go further by blocking her on your social media. Then you won't see the sad, sad things she posts!    You can even block email and your phone number. If you don't see her changing...(I don't think they change), going NC is definitely an option.

I'm glad you're posting and sharing your story.

[Cat of the Canals]

So much of this sounds like my mother (also a Queen type), and it has also been a major struggle for me to figure out what boundaries ever ARE, let alone set them. I think you're doing an amazing job at that. Seriously, I'm over here giving you a virtual standing ovation.

I would continue doing exactly what you're doing: saying "no" to anything you aren't comfortable with, exiting stage left when the rages start, NOT reading her text rants, etc. Aside from that, time will tell whether NC is the right choice for you.

[Hilltop]

You did great by remaining calm and getting off the call when it became abusive.  You also were great for not responding to her vile text.  You have boundaries in place which protect you.

I would be tempted at this stage to have some time out and relax for the holidays however NC is personal for each person.  I would seriously consider restricting SM accounts at this time.  Why read her hurtful comments and posts.  It only adds to your hurt and leaves you having to deal with the aftermath of what she says - would it be maybe help to simply disengage on social media with her.

You gave her the option of travelling to you for the holidays and she could have done that.  It would have been fun, she would have spent the holidays with family and it could have been a positive for everyone.  You didn't cause this or deserve it so I hope in the coming days and weeks you don't take any guilt on board.  What she said was really about her having control and getting the family away from your dad so he would be deprived of family at the holidays.  It was all about her wants and feelings with little consideration for others.

You have a supportive partner and a good relationship with your siblings.  It sounds like your relationship with  your dad is positive.  These are the relationships you turn toward and concentrate on.   At the end of the day it sucks to have to deal with this.  Listening to her rages will wear you down, you did great in protecting yourself.  You are tired because its exhausting dealing with PD's and then trying to lift ourselves back up after we get thrown under the bus with their antics.  No wonder you are tired.  Perhaps its time for a break, to unwind.  Time will tell what you need.

[junedee]

Wow thank you all for taking the time to write back to me- I didn't anticipate how good it would feel to have other people validate my experience.
I sometimes feel that my journey with my mom is almost unbelievable to a lot of people, so it is really meaningful for me to have a community who gets it without explanation. I am happy to add this forum to my list of coping resources.

<3