Wellness check on Thanksgiving

[Thru the Rain]

My parents have recently moved to the very small town where my brother and his family live. They moved away from the city where they were born and have lived for the last 80-ish years. They sold the home they lived in for 50+ years. They left behind a lifetime of memories and a ton of family, including their first great-grandchild born two months after the move.

I tried, gently, to suggest they consider how isolated they might be where the only people they know are my brother and his family. It won't be like visiting where they get my brother's full attention. My brother and SIL both work. Their kids are teenagers with the oldest about to graduate and leave for university.

I expressed other concerns, but the near-certainty of isolation is a big concern - especially since both parents have significant PD traits and have difficulty making friends.

I'm low contact with my parents, but I do stay in touch. I've been trying to reach them for a few weeks to hear how things are going, what are their plans for Thanksgiving, do they plan to head back to their hometown to see their great-grandchild? No answers, no callbacks - which is not a concern. I assume I'll hear from my brother if something happens to them.

On Thanksgiving Day, I call both of them and get no answer. They both have cell phones which they answer or don't based on....well who knows what it's based on. I know they know how to work the things, but they can grow dinosaur arms at will and seemingly at random.

At first, I'm not at all concerned. I think they're with my brother (during which time the rest of their four children cease to exist), or they're watching football, or eating, or any number of reasonable things. I assume they'll call me back.

6 or 7 hours later, I realize I haven't heard from them. And then I get a text from two of my siblings asking if I know what's going on with Mom and Dad - they haven't been answering the phone for anyone.

I connect with the local brother and learned he and his family are spending Thanksgiving with SIL's family in another state. They haven't seen or heard from Mom and Dad all day either. We quickly decide to send the police for a wellness check and (thankfully) they're physically ok.

They just didn't answer the phone, or call anyone. I learned they haven't even acknowledged the newborn great-grandchild.

They have been in a full-blown snit that brother hasn't put his life on hold to entertain them. That he dared to continue with existing Thanksgiving plans.

They didn't call or communicate with anyone to suggest Thanksgiving plans. They didn't head back to their hometown to see great-grandchild, they didn't suggest coming to see me (THANK GOD!), or my other brother who also lives in a sunbelt state. And they certainly didn't invite anyone to spend Thanksgiving at their house.

Instead they pouted. I think we did the right thing to send the police for a wellness check, but I'm also hoping we haven't created a new source for attention and drama.

I did finally talk to my Dad. "We're just not good with cell phones" - which I'm flat out not buying. I also learned they had a landline installed, but shared the number with no one at all. Literally none of my siblings had this number.

I've been trying to name the emotions I'm feeling, and let myself honestly feel these things. I'm angry at the childishness, the lack of planning (for their whole lives), and the constant self-centered behavior. And I'm also once again reminded that I'm not a priority for them - and reconfirmed my decision to stay at arm's length.

I've been going through a really difficult couple of days, re-living all the times their behavior caused me actual harm over the course of my life (I'm in my mid-50s now). I'm feeling sad and depressed and angry.

Thank you for letting me vent here - I know this group understands it's not about "they didn't answer the phone" - but it's about a lifetime of frustration with childish, selfish behavior.

[Fiasco]

Oh I definitely feel this. My BPDm enjoys going to the emergency room every year for Thanksgiving, for various (but all foolish) reasons. It's her way of yanking my chain and punishing me for living far away and not visiting for that holiday. It sounds like that's just what your parents did to you and your siblings. Infuriating!

[bloomie]

Thru the Rain - it is that they have not been 'answering the phone' your entire life I'm thinking. 

I've been trying to name the emotions I'm feeling, and let myself honestly feel these things. I'm angry at the childishness, the lack of planning (for their whole lives), and the constant self-centered behavior. And I'm also once again reminded that I'm not a priority for them - and reconfirmed my decision to stay at arm's length.

I've been going through a really difficult couple of days, re-living all the times their behavior caused me actual harm over the course of my life (I'm in my mid-50s now). I'm feeling sad and depressed and angry.

Yes, I so get this. And for me, facing the reality of my own parent's emotional immaturity and inability to truly love and care for their family - these feelings were the grieving process. Once I learned to work with that process, as you are doing, and move through it, with time, accepting what I absolutely cannot change brought peace and clarity.  As you describe as confirmation to keep them at a distance.

I am really sorry for this disruption and the hours of uncertainty you all endured worrying about their well being only to find they were giving everyone what suspiciously sounds like the silent treatment.

But, more so... my heart hurts for you as the level of selfishness has brought on this painful wave of remembering how you have been harmed by their neglect and childishness and their prioritizing manufactured offenses over loving connections with you and yours. I'm glad you shared and hope you will continue to share as you journey through this.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Thru, they do this dysfunctional stuff over and over again don't they? And it puts pressure on all the old trauma wounds and, boom, you get deregulated. Utterly sucky. And you're someone who has been working on this pile of crap for some time so it's so frustrating when they can push your buttons even now. I totally understand your feelings.

[SunnyMeadow]

Unfortunately I do understand it's more than 'they didn't answer the phone'. Sadly I've lived through deciphering the deeper meaning of comments and actions too.

This sounds like a big Thanksgiving FU. I can understand your feelings and I'm sorry you had to deal with this selfishness.

[Thru the Rain]

Thank you for the kind words and empathy.

The act of putting this all in writing helped me so much - and your responses warmed my heart.

Short non-update: If someone who genuinely cared about me called the police for a wellness check after I ghosted them, I would feel the need to make a follow up phone call a day or two later to thank them / clear the air / ask them not to do that again / apologize for ghosting / just plain communicate. But I have received no such phone call. I'm going to recall all the wise words I've read on this site and enjoy the peaceful "silent treat".

[moglow]

If someone who genuinely cared about me called the police for a wellness check after I ghosted them, I would feel the need to make a follow up phone call a day or two later to thank them / clear the air / ask them not to do that again / apologize for ghosting / just plain communicate. But I have received no such phone call.

Yes! Just a call with, "I'm so sorry! we weren't feeling good and didn't feel like talking. I didn't think how it might come across or how scary it looked." Some acknowledgment of the concern is too much to ask?? Are they waiting for you to call and grovel?

Enjoy the silent treat! Mail a Christmas card and call it a day.

[moglow]

Know what grinds me about this - y'all tried, *before* the holiday. Repeatedly. No response, no acknowledgment. Nothing. They just sat there and presumably pouted over the results of their own decision. Y'all were somehow to know what was needed and provide, while they stewed over the inadequacy of it all? It doesnt occur to them that THIS is what got them where they are??

Mine does this, has as far back as I can remember. One shut out after another then complains that no one calls or visits. Holidays and special occasions are one letdown after another. Limited to no acknowledgment of phone calls or messages, no interest in hearing anything we might have to share. Mine appears to also have an endless list of expectations for how things must be, but doesn't say anything until (inevitably) we fail to meet those standards. So we get complaints, disappointments, massive meltdowns over trivial details we knew nothing about. That's IF she ever gets around to telling anyone what was "wrong." Usually she just shuts down and stays there.

What really do they expect, mind reading??

(Mumble mumble grumble mumble ... Putting away soapbox)

[Thru the Rain]

I had to come back and give an update here.

I finally did connect on a phone call with my uPDM yesterday. She asked me if I'd heard from my youngest brother - she's called him a few times and he hasn't called her back. 

I'm dumbfounded at the lack of awareness going on with both my parents!

I HAVE heard from my brother, but what I told her was "You guys have been hard to reach".

She completely dismissed that.

She pointed out that I had called her on their new landline. I reminded her that they had given that number to exactly no one. Did she remember that??

She couldn't change the subject fast enough.

I know I'll never understand this behavior, but still! Total lack of perspective - no clue that the behavior they're seeing is a direct reflection of their own behavior.

[Thru the Rain]

Wanted to come back here to share that I didn't bother even trying to call my parents today (Christmas).

And no call from them either. My relationship has been one-sided with them pretty much my entire adult life - so it's really up to me to either continue to have a relationship or to just go silent. I really don't want to go NC, but I also can't be the only one making an effort.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi! If you are matching your effort to theirs, you are not cutting them off/going NC. You're creating a healthier balance. In fact you're being open to their efforts, should they choose to make any. Which I see as generous, given the history.

Merry Christmas!