It’s In His Attic

[Kat54]

When my ex and I had to divide the contents of our house it had to be on his terms.
There was a list of items I wanted and lucky him I hardly took anything. It was when I was in my flight mode and didn't care how little I was taking I just needed to finish up the divorce and move on. He would put things right at the front door that He thought was ok for me to take.  I asked for towels, nope I could not go into the linen closest and take some. He gave me 2 crappy stained, frayed towels. It was all about control.
The time I did go all the way to the upper floors with some boxes I brought to pack, every time When walking by with a box of anything he would literally Whig out and have to see what I was taking. It was only my art books from college.
We had an attic storage area, but he kept it locked and I wasn't allowed to go in. He was paranoid I would take things.
I had told my lawyer pictures we could divide at a later time and my ex agreed to that. We still have not, he doesn't have time he's told me. Meaning, he will give me what he thinks I should have. I wanted to go through stuff together but he can' t do that.
The most important thing that I never got was a Grey strong box that was my mothers. It has old papers from a cemetery deed to some family tree papers, my mothers engagement ring and a Mothers ring given to her from her family. I asked him about the box and I definitely didn't take it because he wouldn't let me in the attic and that's where it was stored. I had forgotten about it and I've asked him about it once with his reply being he hasn't recalled seeing it. He says I probably took it.
It's in his attic and I need to approach him again about looking for it. Thinking about it literally makes me start shaking because he's going to give me a hard time and truthfully I can barely deal with him. My other siblings have asked about the box so I have to get it.
How do I approach him without causing an uproar. I am afraid of him so I've been avoiding asking for it.
Should I ask my sister to go up and look? She lives next to him and they have a good relationship so far since we have divorced. But I hate involving her and would rather not. Or maybe put in the sentence my siblings are wondering where the box is.  He's still involved with my family so it would be in his best interest to either let me look for the box or he needs to find it. My kids I won't ask because that would involve them also and I can't do that.
We've been divorced for over a year now but dealing with him in anyway, most times he's OK, but it's usually if other people are around he's better behaved, when no one is around it can be a whole different story.
Any suggestions would be helpful.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I understand the stress.  I don't have any great advice.

How important is the box?
If a lot, I might ask you sister to try and get it.
Or email, with a time you'd like to come over and go in the attic and get the box.  Not asking for permission.  Be very very nice and appreciative (yes, it's fake, but oh well).

Other thought - I get that the box has some significance.  But, it is just things.  Maybe just letting it go.  Your sanity is more important.

Good Luck

[square]

I think emphasizing that the family is asking about it is a good idea since he has demonstrated an interest in staying on their good side.

[pushit]

Sounds very familiar!  A couple days after I filed my exPDw moved without telling me, it caused quite an uproar between the attorneys.  We were negotiating the division of items, then all of a sudden she took what she wanted and left me with a house full of junk to sort through.  Same story as yours, my ex decided what I was allowed to have and took all the good stuff.  I agree it's a combination of paranoia and control, like you wrote about your situation.  I ended up having to buy all new toys for the kids along with a lot of furniture and household items, and donated or tossed most of the mismatched garbage she had left for me.  They are such a pleasure to deal with....haha.

Anyways, I like the idea of making sure your ex is aware that your family desires for that to be back in your possession.  It has typically worked really well for me to subtly let the PD know that others are watching their behavior too, and let their desire for a positive public image work to your benefit.

[Kat54]

Thank you all. I think I'll text him and just kind of word it like this..in a family group chat we were discussing our mothers wedding and engagement rings and last time anyone saw them it was in the gray box that I left behind in your attic. If it's ok I'd like to come by and look for it. Just let me know when you will be home and I'll stop in.
And if he doesn't respond which would be pretty likely I'll go by the house. If he says to me I probably have it and just misplaced it. I'll remind him I was not allowed to go into the storage area, he kept it locked and that's where the box is. He probably has the jewelry he took out of my jewelry box before he finally let me have it in that storage area also. It will make him crazy.
And I could for my sanity let it go, but I let soo much go. Many pictures, home movies that I'll never get. It has no meaning for him to keep it.

[Poison Ivy]

I think you should pursue retrieving the box. It's yours, and it holds priceless items.

[Kat54]

I am going to get the box; thank you Poison Ivy. While I was strong through the divorce through a lawyer. Us one on one I'm a total whimp and afraid of him. It has a few things that I would like to maybe pass onto my daughter.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I'm sending you strength and courage.  Please keep us updated.

You got this.

[Lauren17]

My stbxh behave a lot better when there are other adults around. So, I recommend asking in front of your sister. Then make it a joint statement.
"Hello ex. Sister and I would like to get that gray box out of your attic. How does Thursday at 7:00 sound for Sister and I to come over and pick it up?"
If you text or email saying sister wants the box. He can easily deny ever getting the text or being confused by it or saying he looked and the box isn't there or whatever.

[SonofThunder]

I think emphasizing that the family is asking about it is a good idea since he has demonstrated an interest in staying on their good side.

  both PD's in my life are concerned with their reputation and the more people who know of the stonewalling, the better.  Are your sibs in close proximity you can go together to look, if he gives the ok to search?  Would that assist with your fear? 

If he continues to refuse, is there any legal option since this item is clearly not a part of his half in a divorce and part of your family heritage, not his?  Im a family history collector of very interesting items from both maternal and paternal sides of my family and I enjoy having them.  Wishing you the best!

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

I agree with the other posters - if he is better with others around - and your family has asked for it - you should consider drafting your sister to help.  I know it's a hassle but together you go over and look for it.  He will be on his best behavior and you will be able to look.

I had the same issue and had to draft my list from memory.  So many things that I had forgotten after 32 years - a portrait of madonna and child - that I saw on my daughters wall.  she said she found it in our basement and I just forgot about it.  It was my mothers. I let it go and I'm glad she has it but it really made me wonder what else I missed.  I am sure it was a great deal.  After I left, he didn't let me in until he moved out two years later.  I will never really know.

Be strong.  You got this.