Where was she??

[moglow]

Frog, no apologies! Sounds like our reading was/is a safety net we needed. More of us than I realized!

And that's my takeaway after sloshing around in it a few days now - my brothers' confirmation not only makes it real and not a figment of my imagination, but there's an odd sense of comfort built into the old misery now. I wasn't and not alone in it.

[Boat Babe]

No Mo, you are not alone sweetheart 😁

[Call Me Cordelia]

Another reader. I've read that when we become an adult and leave the nest is when we're able to gain perspective on our family life and start to have the potential to come Out of the FOG. But I think the endless reading I did certainly jump started that. Stories both showed me my own story and that life could be different. Cinderella in its many iterations was a favorite from about age 4. Fiction also opened up the world of emotional experience to me. It was safe to experience emotions through a story, so I at least did learn how before it was too late. Applying it to my real life had to come later.

If a child is hiding from people, the question would of course be why is that necessary? I'm sorry that correct observation was turned into a weird sort of shaming you for feeling afraid, frog.

I would agree with the idea that it's likely for the best we don't remember everything. We have enough bad memories to make our peace with. The Bible says in the Psalms that even the memory of the names of the wicked will be blotted out, they will be forgotten. No need to hold on to that pain forever.

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks, Mo, for your graciousness, and Cordelia for the support. Yeah, I think a number of school personnel confuse children's symptoms with their core problems. 

[IntoTheLight]

This hits home for me too. A while ago my sister told me she would go shopping with my uBPD mother and they would have a nice time, but I don't recall she ever took me shopping and we had a nice time. I was the SG and my sis was the GC I guess. But that conversation made me realise I don't remember a lot about my childhood. I felt unwanted I guess. Mother and sis teamed up on me and pushed me in a corner. I tried to become unvisible. Father was absent. Working and an active member of the community.

I'm working with my therapist to go back to moments that I do remember that where very scary and left an imprint and I realise I felt terrible and very lonely most of the time. And yes, I did read a lot, was outside a lot by myself and other times alone in my room. But I don't even really remember what I read. I must have dissociated. I have a box with my old diaries and I am hesitant to open them, but I will do that soon.