Grieving a relationship that doesn't exist?

[mary_poppins]

I was talking to a friend who said it's much harder to let go of your PD parent when you're in contact with them then when you're actually already NC.
And that's because you need to acknowledge that you never had a relationship with them and nothing real existed between you.
This means that I was raised by walls or wood panels. Because when I look back at my childhood and young adult years, I see a girl who was living with inanimate objects. Both parents were incredibly depressed and argued with each other their entire life. They also gave no attention to their children which made the childhood feel like I lived alone, between four walls. Do you see where I'm getting at?

So how do I grieve something that was not there? Because I did not have a mother or a father, their minds not there. You could not reach out to them unless you gave them the needed narcissistic supply.

Now that I get to see them up close and watch them behave, it's even more clear to me that these people are just walking inanimate objects who do not feel or show any human quality.

So, why do I then have to grieve these people? I have no feelings for them. I sometimes hate them, sure, but the hate is a reaction to their abuse.

When you break off a relationship, you usually need to grieve that relationship. But if that relationship was between you and a person who's as lively as a utilitarian object, what's there to lose? Where is the loss? I'm glad to get rid of them for good so it doesn't feel like I'll need anything from them ever.

How did you grieve a relationship with a PD person? what's the process like?

[daughter]

Sometimes absence of strong bond ultimately lets us simply slip away. I never felt love or genuine bond with either parent. My worth seemed defined by either my immediate usefulness, or my "reflected glory" on them via "bragging rights" to take credit when none was due. I'm truly a "self-made" woman, because what I know, what I accomplish, what material wealth and style, all is due to my hard work, not their neglectful and invasive but nonetheless harsh parenting. 

I disengaged into NC twice, once in my mid-40s, upset because of terrible abuse from BNM and NF, where I did "grieve" for 1st week (vacation trip!) only because I was angry at myself for still tolerating them in our lives. 4 months, then faux reconciliation, me 100% OOF and Gray Rock, "doing it", meaning more FOO only for kids' sake, and with counseling for me. Fast forward, decade later, OOF-GR stoicism no longer works. Another BBB trigger episode, and DH asks for us to disengage from further FOO participation. I agree, quiet NC commenced, ZERO grief from me, just great relief, both me and DH. Now, decade later, ZERO regrets, wish I had courage to act sooner.

Best wishes to you. Sometimes best solution is to do uncommon choice, to disengage "lovingly" because dysfunctional family no longer can act out and harm without their SG target conveniently there to serve that purpose.

[Worthy of Care]

When you break off a relationship, you usually need to grieve that relationship. But if that relationship was between you and a person who's as lively as a utilitarian object, what's there to lose? Where is the loss? I'm glad to get rid of them for good so it doesn't feel like I'll need anything from them ever.

Children need secure, loving parents. Perhaps the grief you might experience is the pain of not having the kind of parents that you needed and deserved. Having said that, I don't think that there are any "shoulds" in grief. What you feel or don't feel is okay.

[Hazy111]

And that's because you need to acknowledge that you never had a relationship with them and nothing real existed between you.

Thats the shocking truth, you were, are and will continue to be just narc supply as you so ably put it.  Their needs always come first. Its really painful for people to grasp and so denial is much easier. I read once that in reality we are "orphans" as we never had adult parents, just immature actors playing at parents (really badly)  that were biologically connected to us.

[Hilltop]

Grieving for me was not about them as parents.  I grieved what I missed, I missed having loving, warm parents who seemed to like me.  I still watch Christmas movies now and wish I had those families, the loving ones.

I have never grieved my actual parents but I have grieved what they didn't give me.  I once heard that in the grief cycle you may miss one part or not need it.  You may go through to another stage and then come back to an earlier stage at a later time.  If you don't need to grieve perhaps this isn't something you need to do now or ever.

Perhaps in some way you grieved earlier and its done, I guess find out what you need to heal now.  Grief may come up later or may never come up, there is no one way or right way, its personal to each person.

[mary_poppins]

When you break off a relationship, you usually need to grieve that relationship. But if that relationship was between you and a person who's as lively as a utilitarian object, what's there to lose? Where is the loss? I'm glad to get rid of them for good so it doesn't feel like I'll need anything from them ever.

Children need secure, loving parents. Perhaps the grief you might experience is the pain of not having the kind of parents that you needed and deserved. Having said that, I don't think that there are any "shoulds" in grief. What you feel or don't feel is okay.

I feel like what you said is so comforting. I was advised to grieve my parents but what can one do if the feelings do not come? Yes, it is sad that I was not parented and felt like an orphan all my life but I'd like to move on and deal with the feelings whenever they are ready to show up. Thank you.

[mary_poppins]

Perhaps in some way you grieved earlier and its done, I guess find out what you need to heal now.  Grief may come up later or may never come up, there is no one way or right way, its personal to each person.

Thanks, Hilltop. I think you're right. I also watch Christmas movies with nice families. But I do understand where you're coming from. When it comes to grieving, those feelings are still hidden from me. And you're right, they may come up later. (or not) I just won't force myself to grieve now because others in my situation do the same.

[mary_poppins]

Hazy111-the reality of discovering you're just a narcissistic supply to them is incredibly painful. I am still recovering from this realization. I can pin point the exact behavior NM adopts when she's asking for supply. (and she's doing it often) So sad.