Breaking Promises

[Maz]

I've seen similar threads on here about NPD and AVPD making promises and then continually breaking them.

It's one of the most painful things someone can do.

Me and Dh have been struggling for a while and he displays traits of Covert narcissistic personality disorder.

We both booked some time off work as things are though at the moment. We sat together and agreed to book a few nights away. It was all done together, going through prices and dates, looking at treatments at a spa.

It's been booked for over a week, so I felt like he would let me down as usual so every day since booking I've asked "Do you still want to go away?" Every time it been "Yeah, can't wait"

It gets to 9.00pm the day before and he says "II've looked at the money and it doesn't add up, looks like we can't make it work"

This is after asking him, so the next day I said cancel it then. He refused to cancel it.

I took myself out of the way for a few hours and all day he was coming up with the most ridiculous excuses. I'll list them below:

1, We can afford it but the pets need looking after and I haven't sorted it out.

2, We can do it some other time, it's not important.

3, Let's just ho and lock all the pets inside and deal with the mess from 2 days away when we get back.

4, Go on your own with a friend.

5, okay we can go but someone will have to drive back to deal with the pets.

6, I can't get through to cancel it do we may as well go.

7, I can't afford it but if you've got the money then we can do it.

This went on snd and and on, all I said was if you can't make it work cancel it because I'll still be charged.

It got to 4.00pm, an hour after we were supposed to check in and he says I'll call them snd tell them we're not coming.

I'm so upset right now. Why make plans with someone to do that. It's just cause pain snd suffering for nothing.

[square]

Um.

That's infuriating.

[losingmyself]

I agree with square.
Also, I would have chosen #4, or gone alone. I know it defeats the purpose of booking it at all, but I would welcome a couple days at a spa alone.
I'm sorry this happened to you. He waited to let you down until it was late enough that you probably had a little bit of excitement that this was actually going to happen.
I think he probably knew that...
Sadly, most of us here know how you feel.

[Associate of Daniel]

That's awful.  I literally felt sick reading your post as I knew what the outcome was going to be.  I'm so sorry.

I once arranged a weekend away with now uNPD exH for his birthday. We went but his behaviour was so awful I vowed never to arrange such a thing again. Needless to say our dating life was essentially non existent and I came to dread those rare occasions.  They were awful.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

Hi Maz,

I agree with many of the replies and have experienced similar hurtful manipulation.  One time, a few years back, i made big plans for a night out with my uPDw and had front-row-center (costly) seats to experience a concert from an artist who rarely comes near my area.  I am a huge fan and my uPDw enjoys also.  2 hrs before the show, my wife bails on me, knowing how excited i was and that i planned the evening.  She used a lame and frequent unverifiable excuse that all of a sudden she had a headache. 

I went alone and just before the concert started, went to the very back row of the venue and found a solo male attendee and gifted the seat beside me to that person, who was ecstatic to get front-center.  When i arrived home, i told my uPDw about filling her seat and how great the show was and how joyed this person was to experience it that close.  My wife's control balloon immediately deflated.

My opinion to you, is that next time this happens, turn the PD's manipulation into an opportunity for you to take a less fortunate person in their place.  You and that person will greatly enjoy in spite of the PD's manipulation attempts. 

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, gold dust!  I can't tell you how many times mu uNPDw gas thrown the headache cars on me. To be honest, when she retreats and närservice her headache for a couple of days I gave the best time.

Maz,  sorry to read what happened. It's awful, have experienced similar many times.

[square]

SoT, I probably enjoyed that story too much.

Maz, not that it really matters, but what do you think happened? Does he not like travel but avoided saying so until the last second using weird avoidant excuses? Was he trying to "own" you like SoT's wife? Did he have an anxiety attack?

[Maz]

Hey everyone,

Personally I think it's all about control. He wants ultimate control over every aspect of his life and mine. That been said when he has ultimate control all of a sudden he doesn't want to responsibility.

My life is one constant argument, even when I'm agreeable it's still not the reaction he wants.

He displays traits of Covert Narcissist so he refuses to say or do anything that in his mind makes him look bad.

He'll get out of going on a trip but it's engineered so the other person technically cancelled. He'll say he forgot about plans when to me it appears he's trying to punish me for something I've said or done.

It's hard work and feels very confusing.

[Kat54]

My ex is a UcN. He would manipulate to control the situation but in his strange way there would be no responsibility on his part, that's why he had to manipulate. He would somehow put it on me to take care of whatever it was but then blame me.
It was so infuriating and made me feel crazy.

[moglow]

Maz, at some point I hope you come to the realization that you're worth more than you allow. When you get there you can just step up and say "no need for you to cancel anything. I'll be going." Whether you say it aloud or simply get in the car and go without him, the end result is the same. He let you down -again- and you'll realize that spa will be much more relaxing and restorative without him anyway. Hell, book your own getaway and dont say a word until you get settled in. Sounds like you're overdue.

I'm sorry this happened. Just remember there doesn't have to be a repeat performance. When he starts throwing out the excuses, let your resolve harden. Know that he's already made up his mind and is looking for an out. You get to do the same.

[JustKeepTrying]

Maz - this is all too familiar and I am so sorry this happened to you.  I just eats at you and the anxiety it produces - ugh.

I remember a vacation where we booked a year out - I found a house and my xOPDh approved it.  He approved the budget.  I worked all the kids schedules for the time off.  The night before - litterally 10pm at night with the suitcases packed - he says he's not going.  No reason for it.  He's just not in a vacation mood - not in the mood for a week at the beach with the kids.

I said sorry, we are going anyway.  The car is packed.  The kids clothes are laid out for the morning and we will miss you but they need the time away.   Inside I was gutted and mad and frustrated and sad and confused - all together.

The next morning I got the kids up and fed em breaksfast - got them in the car and said goodbye to ex.  I sat in the driveway and waited.  For fifteen minutes.  He finally came out and off we went.  He acted like our whole argument never happened.

There were so many canceled trips, dates, parties and events and the gaslighting really messed with my head.  I am so grateful I never have to deal with it again.

[Dollydrops]

You are correct, it is all about control, but I belive covert narcissists enjoy watching you become frustrated, messing with your head and leaving you upset. To them it means they won.
My H did this to me before every trip and then made ridiculous excuses thats is until the last time when I said  okay ill go with friends.
I stuck to my guns and only ten minutes after I left home my phone began blowing up with texts which I completely ignored.
On my return he only asked ' did anyone ask where I was'. I took great pleasure in saying no.

I really enjoyed that weekend and it was the beginning for me to show some assertiveness. I refused to walk on eggshells when he sulked and the following year I planned the trip with friends.
It is done to beat you down. How you react shapes the situation in the future.

[1footouttadefog]

My pdh would get all uptight before most trips.  He would enjoy the first day or so then it all went downhill.  At some point once we had kids I cailught on and started taking the kids away without him as I refused to have their trips ruined.we started taking him on dad friendly over nights then got ng on trips just us girls. 

[Cascade]

My PDH forgets his promises, and then doesn't keep them. He either doesn't believe me when I remind him of what he said or doesn't care.  It's sad when you can't trust the one you should be able to trust the most.

[1footouttadefog]

Yes realizing you are intentionally lied to and that you don't deserve to be told the truth in their eyes hurts.  Realizing you were lied to from the beginning makes you wonder why you were picked for being lied to.