How do I navigate this?

[Associate of Daniel]

Long story short:  uNPD exH is no contact with his parents, claiming childhood abuse.

I keep them in the loop every now and then of how ds15, their only grandson, is going.

Ds's uNPD father (and uNPD smother) until recently have said no visits will happen between ds and his grandparents (unless uNPD smother is there - making things extremely uncomfortable for ds and his grandarents). But they said he could text with them.

Ds has now told me that his uNPD father has now banned texting as he's worried the no contact has gone on so long that his dad (ds's grandfather) will lash out.

At this time of year uNPD exH tends to disregulate a lot due to various birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and holidays. So I suspect this is really why he's now banned texting, or probably the uNPD smother has initiated contact with the grandparents because she needed a drama fix, and something may well have happened.

Anyway, yesterday was ds's birthday. (He's growing up so fast!)

His gradparents mailed him a card with money (a lot).

I want ds to send a courtesy thank-you text. He says he's not allowed to and wants me to do it.

Do I keep  encouraging him to send one or leave it?  And if I send a courtesy thank-you text, how do I word it (do I need to tell them  of the latest ban?

I wish I could just wipe my hands of the whole family, even though I get along ok with the grandparents.  But ds is hurting and I feel I should keep the door open for him.

Thoughts?

AOD

[Rose1]

DS wishes me to pass in his thanks and gratitude. He is not able to do it personally right now. He has told me that he really appreciates your generosity and looks forward to catching up in the future??? Or so who g like that?  How would you pass on the message if he was sick and couldn't? Probably a similar issue actually, hands tied behind back.
Another year closer to independence day

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Rose1.

The comparison to speaking for ds as though he were ill is food for thought.

I've also come to think that there's probably projection going on as well.

Unpd exH is possibly ready to explode cos of the no contact, and may be projecting his own intent onto his parents.  Even though he and his uNPD wife are the ones who initiated the no contact.

At least that's how I understand the situation.

I'm worried that if the grandparents come to know that ds has been banned from all communication, they might reach out to uNPD exH and then he and his uNPD wife might ramp up the drama.

I feel like I'm in danger of becoming an unwilling flying monkey. I need to be vigilent.

Anyway, any further suggestions, folks?

AOD

[square]

Brainstorming options:

1) As suggested, act as a go between, hopefully without raising any drama. Tricky and also puts you in between.

2) Inform exH of the gift and mention DS usually thanks them for gifts. Let exH decide what to do.

3) Don't check with exH, and do nothing. If the GPs contact you about it say "yes, I did see a package/envelope for DS and I gave it to him." In this scenario you are respecting DS's choice to comply with the NC and you don't get in between anything. This does potentially open DS to discomfort that you would not be protecting him from. It doesn't sound like the discomfort should be too extreme - and if it is, perhaps NC should in fact be continued. It would be a bit uncomfortable for you as well but you could just let the GPs think what they want, which is their right.

[Penny Lane]

I suggest either doing nothing or having him send a written thank you note.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks everyone.

What if I just say he's grateful for the gift and that I hope he texts them a thank-you soon?

AOD

[Rose1]

The problem with that one (I can just hear my pd ex inlaws here) he couldn't even say thank you and had tonhavw his mother do it for him.
Your son is a well brought up young man as you can see by his desire to say thank you but not stir the pot.
As kids age I actually think living with the discomfort of pd and learning from it is essential.
I like the hand written thank you note idea.  Posted. Who's going to know?

[Stillirise]

The gift was received as a card, so I also recommend a short handwritten thank you card, sent via the mail. No "rules" are being broken in that case. Plus, it's a nice lesson in old-fashioned etiquette, which seems to be in short supply these days—even outside PD land!  Best wishes as you continue to navigate this challenging situation!

[JustKeepTrying]

Wow what a mine field you have to tip toe through.

I like the suggestion of a thank you card. It's not a text and if you are challenged you can tell you ex that you wanted to teach him proper manners and you know how much your ex and his wife appreciate proper manners. 

As for communication overall, protect your DS first and foremost.  He's 15.  He is old enough to know but he is not quite mature enough to process everything emotionally.  Consider counseling for him.  It has been a real help for my 19year old - he started it when he was 16 and the therapist really helped him through the past several years of divorce. 

And what are your son's wishes?  Does he want contact with his GPs?  If he does, and you are OK with it, consider a short monthly facetime/messenger call.  It's not texting.  It can be scheduled and you can keep it to ten minute catchup.  Not continuous texting.  Not continuous access to your son.  Food for thought

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, everyone.

I asked ds if he would like to send a handwritten thank-you note to his grandparents.  He said no.

I ended up sending his nanny a text saying he's grateful for the gift and that I hoped he'd send a text soon.

I've not heard back from her.

But uNPD exH did send me a text clarifying his latest rules regarding communication between his parents and ds.

Basically the same as what was already in place - that ds can text with his nan.  He did stipulate no communication with uNPD exH's father, but they've never texted each other anyway.

So hopefully ds will now feel ok with texting his nan again.  Although I suspect not as he's been so poisoned against them now.

AOD