There's no pat answer. It feels like hell to solve these problems

[SaltwareS]

I think accepting that the solution is painful is what helps solve problems. A friend says "just delete emails when they lie, otherwise you're getting hooked" I said no, to not refute the lie is to swallow the lie.

I said the only way is to cut off contact.

But that also comes with costs.

I think to admit you have to select the "least bad" route forward is empowering. To live with the fantasy that there is one pain-free solution out there you just haven't figured out what that is, is abusive. The friend/support/therapist was implying I had an easy solution in front of me.

[Boat Babe]

Yes, if you have PDs in the family or you marry one, you then find yourself having to choose the lesser of two evils. Everytime. That's what makes it so hard.

[Cat of the Canals]

Agreed. I mean, if there was an easy answer, we'd all do it!

NC rarely comes without baggage, whether it's doubting or feeling guilty over the decision, being harassed by flying monkeys, or losing other family members in the process. Sometimes all three and then some, I'm sure.  I don't think it's ever an "easy" decision.

[Penny Lane]

Totally agree. We talk all the time in my house about making the least bad of all the choices. And furthermore, you make decisions with the information you have at hand. Down the line you might realize that another strategy is better; that doesn't mean you've made a bad decision, just that you are refining it as you go.

[SaltwareS]

I'm in a terrible situation.

[GentleSoul]

I am so sorry.  We end losing ourselves.

[moglow]

If it were easy or as straightforward as "they" seem to think, many of us would likely have done it sooner. My biggest stumbling blocks were the flashes, however brief, of another mother. Those fleeting moments of normalcy that were inevitably followed by much worse, but I clung to them thinking she'd wake up and see me. She didn't.

If one more person tells me "she did the best she could, she's your mother, you know she loves you ..." I will scream. I get that she struggles and doesn't understand. She also doesn't try.

I feel ya, Saltware. We're here with you.

[SaltwareS]

Love this site. Thank you everyone.

If it were easy or as straightforward as "they" seem to think, many of us would likely have done it sooner.

How many years were eaten up by people labeling me stupid or incompetent because I could simply "sit your [NPD]parent down, and explain it to them". I escaped into my intellect to compensate for this distorted image of me

[moglow]

I shut down with all the eyerolls and repeat advice of what I "should" do, even by people who knew her and knew exactly what she's capable of. I'm sure you're familiar.

I'm trying really hard at times to not resent those people, feeding me their line of bull until I bought into it myself. It kept my hopes alive much longer than it should havr, thinking "this time will be different."

[daughter]

Until my mid-50s, I was so emotionally terrorized by my parents, that I remained dutiful, obedient, docile and compliant.  Even though I was otherwise a competent forthright professional, parent, and spouse, "they" ALWAYS came first, their expectations, their demands, their schedule, etc.   Operating on basis of fear alone still means our supposedly essential relationship is nonetheless untenable.  Took me all those years, several bouts of therapy, and lots lots lots of courage to go NC.  Only to discover that terminating all contact was very effective solution, without regrets, without further self-doubt, and actually quite self-empowering in other aspects of my life too. No regrets here, but enormous difficult decision to realize it was my only viable remaining self-preservation option.

Not intended to be a rant. Best wishes to you!  Courage!  Be brave!

[Hilltop]

Love this site. Thank you everyone.

If it were easy or as straightforward as "they" seem to think, many of us would likely have done it sooner.

How many years were eaten up by people labeling me stupid or incompetent because I could simply "sit your [NPD]parent down, and explain it to them". I escaped into my intellect to compensate for this distorted image of me

I actually laughed out loud at this because when I read it, its just so silly isn't it.  I have had the same thing said to me, even by my parents, you just need to talk things through.  It sounds so easy doesn't it, just sit down and explain to them what the problems are and all will be resolved.

How many of us have actually done that, its where we start.  Then it doesn't go to plan, nothing changes, things get worse.  If there was an easy answer there wouldn't need to be site like this.

I feel like I have hit my head against a brick wall trying to find the easy way out.  Including simply letting it go.  People seem to think its easy to just sit there and be insulted and they will tell you not to worry about it, don't take it personally, just ignore it.

As was said to you, just ignore the lie like it didn't happen.  Yeah when that lie is about you, that isn't easy to do.  I sometimes wondered if I just became like them and insulted them back to their face or laughed at them to their face but really this isn't a pleasant way to spend my time.  Then there's the problem with the stress of waiting to see what's next, driving to see them and wondering will it be nice or mean.

Its just not worth the stress.  Some people don't get it until they go through something similar. 

[SaltwareS]

I've had therapists say it to me "we just need a few more joint sessions" to get through to the NPDparents. Even though I started saying "one session only", a boundary which I half-consciously bargained away as joint therapy stretched to four months. Therapist said that at the end of four months, I replied "they can see you on their own. This is my last session."

[JustKathy]

SaltwareS, anyone who would imply that there's an easy solution doesn't understand the situation. No one who's had a normal family can begin to understand how much we've suffered, and will continue to suffer even after going NC. They can't understand how complicated this kind of family structure is, and that walking away from them does indeed come with costs. This is a lose-lose situation for us. While choosing to go NC is often the best choice to make, it sure doesn't mean our life will be sunshine and lollipops afterward. My choice was between a lot of pain or less pain. I chose less pain, and yes, that decision was empowering.

Sending hugs of support. We're here for you.

[moglow]

If mine had suggested joint therapy I'd have honestly declined. If she suggested it now, I'd still decline. I've had all her excuses, justifications, blaming me and others I care to hear. I know all too well how good she is at presentation and turning herself around into a victim, and I'm not interested.

I see this in you - you've *had* joint therapy and nothing changed. It's still not anything you want a part of. They're still trying to force you into a little box of their making. And you know what? You can still say No. It's not easy, but let's be honest, none of this had been easy. At some point don't you need to take care of yourself?

[Unknown]

SaltwareS, anyone who would imply that there's an easy solution doesn't understand the situation. No one who's had a normal family can begin to understand how much we've suffered, and will continue to suffer even after going NC. They can't understand how complicated this kind of family structure is, and that walking away from them does indeed come with costs. This is a lose-lose situation for us. While choosing to go NC is often the best choice to make, it sure doesn't mean our life will be sunshine and lollipops afterward. My choice was between a lot of pain or less pain. I chose less pain, and yes, that decision was empowering.

Sending hugs of support. We're here for you.

If it were easy or as straightforward as "they" seem to think, many of us would likely have done it sooner. My biggest stumbling blocks were the flashes, however brief, of another mother. Those fleeting moments of normalcy that were inevitably followed by much worse, but I clung to them thinking she'd wake up and see me. She didn't.

If one more person tells me "she did the best she could, she's your mother, you know she loves you ..." I will scream. I get that she struggles and doesn't understand. She also doesn't try.
I feel ya, Saltware. We're here with you.

SaltwareS,




NC x3 years, it is the toughest decision I ever HAD to make.

JustKathy and Moglow NAILED it.

SaltwareS, I am here for you as well. Hang in there. You are not alone.

[happygoat]

The isolating thing for me: I shared in closed groups and read literature to help me deal with CPTSD and the addiction issues that come with it. My abuser violated my boundaries.  Stole my prayer journal.  My abuser is experiencing the pain they caused themselves by violating my boundaries and taking it out on me. Typical scapegoating. Like when I caught my Ex with the porn and he told me it was because I was distant. He was keeping me distant to hide the behavior.

Of course I attracted a "best friend", or so I thought, who I confided in.  I don't she was  my friend.  I think she hates me. She believe she was repeating everything I shared with her in private.  When I first sensed she was being deceitful I just kept telling myself, maybe you are wrong, or if you just hang in there and give her a chance she will feel some remorse about lying to me and believing she can read my mind instead of accepting me as a human being

When I went to make my amends as part of my AA recovery my family was passive aggressive and dishonest.  It was brutal, but I cleaned up my side of the street and I am moving on.   It is hard because we are all getting older and my sisters were not as fortunate as me health wise.  We are all alcoholic, but one has ongoing health issues from a car wreck when she was a teenager.  I coped with alcohol and men. My other sister combined food and booze.  Now she needs a liver.  I have not had a drink since 3/19/19, and for that I am grateful. My health is good, but I am alone. I have also been relieved of nicotine addiction!!! I wished for a long time that things would be different between my sisters and I, but the way they speak to and about me is unacceptable to me.  They have lied to and about me, and interfered in my life in unbelievably cruel ways that they express no remorse for.

They would stalk me on here.  I was thinking that this sharing will help but I saw a post from someone who flat out said they are a Narc. It creeped me out.  I am going to keep coming back and see what I can learn.