My eFIL is seriously ill

SweetTea · December 06, 2021, 09:57:46 PM

I haven't been on here much lately. It's been three years since I went NC with my in-laws and my hubby and I have found a good balance and respect for each other's needs as they pertain to his family of origin.

Enabling FIL and nMIL both contracted covid about a month ago despite both being vaccinated and boosted. nMIL recovered fine at home. EFIL was recovering at home until he started having difficulty breathing. He's been in the hospital around two weeks. DH was informed today that eFIL now has pneumonia. eFIL is refusing to be intubated (his brother died last year from covid after he was put in a coma, intubated, and never woke up after that.) Because he had covid eFIL has not been allowed visitors, even his wife. His condition has become serious enough that the hospital in allowing immediate family to see him tomorrow. Hubby is flying out tonight.

There is a very real posibility eFIL will not make it. I asked DH, if the worst comes to happen, of course our adult children would go, but what does he need from me. He said "I want you there." I agreed I would come, I'm his partner and this isn't about me. He needs me and I'll be there. But then he said, "I feel like my dad wishes that...he respects what you did and why you did it (going no contact) but I feel like he would like to know that you still care about the family." Then he walked it back and said, "I don't expect you to say something you don't feel...and you don't have to say anything at all, but do you think you could write my dad a note and say whatever you to feel?" (Disclosure: we had made out a card and mailed it this morning before we knew his condition was deteriorating and I did jot a short note to him then, so my hubby knew I had no problem with a note to my FIL.) So I wrote him a brief note expressing my love for him, and telling him what a wonderful young man he had a hand in raising in my husband. And that he was in my prayers. It was the best I could do. Because God help me I feel absolutely numb and empty about his family. Apathy. eFIL was always kind to me. But he enabled my nMIL and my nBIL. I'm no longer angry at nMIL and nBIL and the flying monkey/flea ridden siblings, but I don't forgive them--I don't know if I ever will.

I feel guilty that instead of feeling 100% sad and supportive on my husband's behalf, I feel 50% sad/supportive on my husbands behalf, and 50% panicked and anxious about my own trauma and being in contact my abusers for hours and potentially days.

I can't dump my anxieties, worries and fears about this on my hubby....he needs to focus on his dad and potentially his grief. I have booked an emergency appointment with my therapist for a few days from now so hopefully I can work through some of this there.

Anyone here been in a similar situation? Any observations? Suggestions?

11JB68 · December 06, 2021, 10:39:39 PM

I'm sorry you're dealing with This. It sounds like you are doing your best to support your dh and also honor you're boundaries. I've been thinking through something similar. Updm is reportedly dying. Updh thinks I and ds24 should go say goodbye. I'm leaning towards not. Not only would I be doing idk what in re to updm.... But also dealing with enF and a host of flying monkeys... I don't need the drama. The question for those who don't get it is.... Will it haunt me later that I didn't go? I can't possibly know the answer but I think it won't, and also I wonder what damage it will do if I do go.

Leonor · December 07, 2021, 12:11:21 PM

Hi all,

Much gentle healing to you, this is a complicated situation and it truly sounds like everyone is doing their best.

Okay, here's the thing, imvho. Boundaries aren't for when things are calm and stable. Boundaries are for when things get hard. Complicated. Messy. They give you breathing room to say, this is mine, and that is yours, and I can meet you here, but not over there.

The fact that you're feeling guilty isn't a sign of trauma or selfishness or confusion. It's your boundaries: danger, Will Robinson! You're feeling guilty because you are being guilt tripped. First by mil, then by enfil, and finally by dh.

Dh isn't doing this on purpose, but he's not in a clear place right now. He's triggered. And triggered, in his family, is make whatever it is better. If you're anything like me, you may have stepped right into that role when you married him. You were there to help him make it better for them. I even took over making it better for them so I could finally have some time with him!

He's scared, and turns to you for company. But he's also triggered, and in a trauma-bonded fantasy, the "maybe this time we'll get it right" fantasy, the happy family at the deathbed fantasy, and so he asks you to make it happen. Make his dad all better. It's a sad place, a very young place. But it's not fair. It's not real. It's asking you to violate your own boundaries to join him in this child place. And you cannot help him by getting into that child place with him.

Instead, you can stay in your adult and show him what kind boundaries are with your own words and behavior. "I will go with you so you don't have to go on your own. I will stay with you at a hotel, and I will have meals with you, and I will give you hugs when you need them. But I will not be able to accompany you to the hospital, or visit with your family, or communicate with your father. And let's work out a schedule that allows you to visit with your dad and time for us to process this life event and support one another right now."

That's it. You don't move. Dh (or whoever is pulling his strings right now) might be sad. It's normal to feel sad when someone is sick. He might express upset with you. You understand he's upset, but this is what you can do. He might feel angry. You see that he is angry, but you are not the person he is angry with and he cannot take it out on you.

And when you go, the schedule sticks. No you hanging out for hours alone while dh gets sucked into the melodrama and can't get away because someone else needs him. That's got to be clear, because otherwise you'll wind up resentful instead of supportive, ruminating over why you went NC in the first place.

This can be a very healing moment for dh and your marriage. It's tough and sticky and painful, but you both can grow as a couple if you can find a way to support one another around each other's family instead of dive in after each other.

SweetTea · December 07, 2021, 08:11:07 PM

Quote from: 11JB68 on December 06, 2021, 10:39:39 PM
I'm sorry you're dealing with This. It sounds like you are doing your best to support your dh and also honor you're boundaries. I've been thinking through something similar. Updm is reportedly dying. Updh thinks I and ds24 should go say goodbye. I'm leaning towards not. Not only would I be doing idk what in re to updm.... But also dealing with enF and a host of flying monkeys... I don't need the drama. The question for those who don't get it is.... Will it haunt me later that I didn't go? I can't possibly know the answer but I think it won't, and also I wonder what damage it will do if I do go.

Thank you for your reply. I have had similar thoughts: "will it haunt me if I don't do this one thing before he dies". And I too think it won't. My boundary alarm went off at the thought of saying untrue words as a balm for someone else. I think doing something so against my values and my boundaries (and once again putting myself last) is what would haunt me. I think my future self would look back at myself kindly and say "I did the best I could at that time".

Hugs to you on your similar journey

SweetTea · December 07, 2021, 08:24:29 PM

Quote from: Leonor on December 07, 2021, 12:11:21 PM
Hi all,

Much gentle healing to you, this is a complicated situation and it truly sounds like everyone is doing their best.

Okay, here's the thing, imvho. Boundaries aren't for when things are calm and stable. Boundaries are for when things get hard. Complicated. Messy. They give you breathing room to say, this is mine, and that is yours, and I can meet you here, but not over there.

The fact that you're feeling guilty isn't a sign of trauma or selfishness or confusion. It's your boundaries: danger, Will Robinson! You're feeling guilty because you are being guilt tripped. First by mil, then by enfil, and finally by dh.

Dh isn't doing this on purpose, but he's not in a clear place right now. He's triggered. And triggered, in his family, is make whatever it is better. If you're anything like me, you may have stepped right into that role when you married him. You were there to help him make it better for them. I even took over making it better for them so I could finally have some time with him!

He's scared, and turns to you for company. But he's also triggered, and in a trauma-bonded fantasy, the "maybe this time we'll get it right" fantasy, the happy family at the deathbed fantasy, and so he asks you to make it happen. Make his dad all better. It's a sad place, a very young place. But it's not fair. It's not real. It's asking you to violate your own boundaries to join him in this child place. And you cannot help him by getting into that child place with him.

Instead, you can stay in your adult and show him what kind boundaries are with your own words and behavior. "I will go with you so you don't have to go on your own. I will stay with you at a hotel, and I will have meals with you, and I will give you hugs when you need them. But I will not be able to accompany you to the hospital, or visit with your family, or communicate with your father. And let's work out a schedule that allows you to visit with your dad and time for us to process this life event and support one another right now."

That's it. You don't move. Dh (or whoever is pulling his strings right now) might be sad. It's normal to feel sad when someone is sick. He might express upset with you. You understand he's upset, but this is what you can do. He might feel angry. You see that he is angry, but you are not the person he is angry with and he cannot take it out on you.

And when you go, the schedule sticks. No you hanging out for hours alone while dh gets sucked into the melodrama and can't get away because someone else needs him. That's got to be clear, because otherwise you'll wind up resentful instead of supportive, ruminating over why you went NC in the first place.

This can be a very healing moment for dh and your marriage. It's tough and sticky and painful, but you both can grow as a couple if you can find a way to support one another around each other's family instead of dive in after each other.

Thank you for your reply; you have given me a lot to think about. You've really hit the nail on the head on where my husband is right now. My heart hurts for him, but I can't help him by joining him in that unhealthy place.

I know the coming days and weeks will be very difficult, but I have to remind myself I have knowledge and tools I didn't have 3 years ago...and a powerful support system (namely my therapist and this board.)

I will be re-reading your encouraging words many times I'm sure. Thank you again.

SweetTea · December 17, 2021, 08:30:20 AM

Just a quick update. My FIL did pass away last Thursday. I found an appropriate moment to share with husband that I wanted to be at the funeral for him, for our children, and for ME. (I loved my fil and he was always so kind to me.) But I would not, for the sake of my mental health, be attending any other functions. He said he understood. At the last minute I decided I wanted to TRY to attend the post funeral luncheon because there is so much extended family I do want to see and haven't seen in 3 years. So I'm going to try that with the option to take the rental car back to the hotel if anyone in his FOO misbehaves.

The 4 of us ( me, DH and our 2 adult children) flew up last night for the funeral. We had a really nice family dinner at a restaurant post arrival last night, just the 4 of us. I'll be dropping the 3 of them off at the funeral home for the visitation this afternoon. We agreed if the kids didn't want to stay the whole 5 hours, they could call me and I would pick them up and bring them back to the hotel. Funeral is Tomorrow (Sat). We made plans for a Sunday lunch for the 4 of us at a specific restaurant our son wanted to check out. Then off to the airport and back home Sunday night.

Wish me luck and success with my gray rock and JADE if and when I need them!

bloomie · December 17, 2021, 10:24:09 AM

SweetTea - my sincere condolences on the loss of your fil to you and your family.

I will be thinking of you in the coming days as you navigate with dignity and composure the uncertain waters of extended family events around your fil's passing.

You are not the same person that you once were. You have done your work, gathered a toolset, are grounded in the center of your life and have the love and support of your FOC. You have prepared and have a way out if you need to take it. You have no need to anticipate every potential problem or uncomfortable interaction because you are fully equipped to stay the course and focus on your priorities - your DH, and your adult children as you take this time to honor a person whom you loved.

Let us know how you are doing!

JenniferSmith · December 17, 2021, 08:57:42 PM

Just wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss. I think you will be able to look back at this situation in the future and feel proud of how you handled it, and that will bring you a lot of comfort. Its a sign of growth that you are able to maintain your inner stability during such a difficult time - losing someone, and so close to the holidays. ((hugs))

SweetTea · December 21, 2021, 10:23:11 PM

Thank you all for the condolences, hugs and support. They truly mean a lot coming from my fellow OOTFers.

It was a hard and sad, but good family strengthening weekend for our FOC.

I drove DH, DD, and DS to the visitation. Before we got there nBIL texted DH saying "Just checking: are there any ground rules we need to be aware of regarding Sweet Tea?"

We were both like "I don't know nBIL...how about BE A NORMAL HUMAN?" But instead DH just texted what I told him to say which was "This weekend isn't about Sweet Tea. Sharing condolences is fine. Hugging is fine. Let's just keep this about Dad."

When we got there, my SIL, her son, and my nBIL had just gotten out of the car--nBIL already heading toward the building. nBIL looked anguished, face crumpled, head down. As my FOC got out of the car I felt moved to offer my SIL and my nephew a hug and my condolences. They accepted them lovingly. nBIL almost made it to the door to the funeral home and I called out to him to stop him. I walked up to him to offer him a hug. He embraced me and *seemed* to be shaking crying. I offered him my condolences and told him I knew his father loved him very much. I'm not sure if he was crying like a normal mourning person, crying for himself...if he was *actually* crying (I don't remember seeing actual tears), if he was affecting it...but I knew what I was saying was true and it felt right saying it. I told him I would see all of them at the funeral the next day, walked back to hubby and kids, kissed and hugged them, and took myself to dinner.

The kids called about 2 hours later and were ready to be picked up. The viewing was difficult for them but they said they were glad they went. DH got a ride back to the hotel later when the visitation was over.

Our FOC had breakfast together the next morning, then headed to the funeral. We were the first there. My non-narc BIL came next and as soon as he saw me he embraced me and started genuinely crying. Real tears. I gave my condolences, told him I loved him (because I still do.) He then, while still embracing me, he gave an at-length sincere apology. I thanked him and told him I forgave him. His face was wet, my face was wet. It was very cathartic.

I went to pay my respects to my FIL who was lying in state in the church...and there went the rest of my makeup.

Then my nMIL was there and it was all very strange. She came in with an entourage of her friends and she was all hunched, face crumpled, and seemingly being held up by the people surrounding her. Like nBIL , I can't remember seeing any tears. Her makeup looked the same after the funeral and luncheon as it did when she arrived. I approached her to offer a hug ( I feel no affection for her , nor for my nBIL, but in grief, hugging feels natural/neutral to me) and my condolences and she accepted my hug and said, "I know your Dad (referring to my FIL) is happy you are here." That's it. I went back to my FOC and felt none of the usual visceral negative feelings toward nMil and nBIL...I just felt grounded and in control and good about my interactions, and very glad I was there for my FOC.

What was really odd was the almost robotic pattern of behavior from my nMIL and NBil during the post funeral luncheon. My NBil worked the room like it was wedding reception and he was the Best Man. Every time he passed me, he grabbed me for a hug....I'm assuming so the crowd could see we were all reconciled (Ha! We will be reconciled on the 12th of never!) My nMIL also would work the room, but would vacillate between being near collapse, and then suddenly giving instructions to the waitstaff like she was hosting high tea. When she sat down on the other side of DH to eat, she leaned over and repeated, "I know your Dad is happy you're here."

When we were leaving, true to her usual form, she tried to nail down that next visit. Was I was coming to the house afterword for dinner. (I was not, this was my last engagement with DH's family.) I don't feel comfortable offering a straight "No", which she knows. This is something I still struggle with in everyday life. For whatever reason, it feels *mean* to me (when someone is asking me a favor or inviting me, etc to just say no). DH knows this and knows I'm working on it. I said, "We (me and foo) haven't talk about it." To which she said "You're coming to the house" again. DH stepped in and said, "Mom, were going to the hotel to rest and I'll call you when we figure out what we're doing." We left. The 4 of us went to the hotel and took a 3 hour nap. DH and DD went to the house for dinner. DS had no interest and stayed back with me.

To conclude, I'm glad I went. It felt right and good to pay my respects to a person I loved, and to support my FOC. I discovered a lot about myself this weekend. I discovered that DH's FOO no longer have any power over me, over my FOC. I discovered my DH and I are on the same page, and while there were a couple tiny bumps, all of our hard work has paid off. I discovered that I might be ready to reconcile with the non-narc BIL and move to cautiously to low contact with him. I discovered I no longer hate my nMIL and nBIL. I don't like, love, or forgive them either. I feel void of any emotion regarding them and I have no desire to put forth any more energy toward them. I feel encouraged by my growth. I feel very strong and connected to my FOC.

bloomie · December 23, 2021, 10:37:49 AM

Quote from: SweetTeaTo conclude, I'm glad I went. It felt right and good to pay my respects to a person I loved, and to support my FOC. I discovered a lot about myself this weekend. I discovered that DH's FOO no longer have any power over me, over my FOC. I discovered my DH and I are on the same page, and while there were a couple tiny bumps, all of our hard work has paid off. I discovered that I might be ready to reconcile with the non-narc BIL and move to cautiously to low contact with him. I discovered I no longer hate my nMIL and nBIL. I don't like, love, or forgive them either. I feel void of any emotion regarding them and I have no desire to put forth any more energy toward them. I feel encouraged by my growth. I feel very strong and connected to my FOC.

Wow! So much emotional maturity and human kindness you were able to express to a group of people who have hurt you a lot. Maybe the most powerful thing is that you learned your in laws have no power over you. Your realizations coming out the other side of this brought tears to my eyes - that you are seeing such a huge payoff for all of the hard work you and your DH have done. Just a wonderful update to read as you traversed a very tricky and difficult weekend.