Bil hanging on to inheritance

[Peace Lily]

I have never really spent a lot of time analysing my in laws, as my own family dynamics have taken up so much of my time and emotional energy over the past few years. I have not labelled any of them as PD, although I see some traits for sure. My so is not prepared to come Out of the FOG. So does understand narcissism as it relates to my family and is very supportive.
Fil  recently passed away and Bil is dealing with probate. His life insurance policy has paid out a large some of money to be divided between himself and SO. He asked SO if his children could have his share when (we have no children ourselves), to avoid death duties (assumption it will be left to them eventually) and is what Fil would want. So said "no". Good - a boundary. Now a month or more later this money is in Bil's  account and Bil has asked for him to invest it in his children's rebuilding costs of their holiday house. He has not offered to pay it to So. SO has told me his family would never act like mine did over inheritance. And I am definitely triggered by this in view on horrendous family trauma when my grandfather died. We don't "need" the money at present, but if SO wants it he should have it right? As SO has no children to support him in old age, he may need this money for care.

MQI: Should I stay well out of this and let it play out? It's not my stuff/ not my money/ not my family?

Should I offer advice or simply support SO if this blows up?

Should I offer my opinion direct to Bil as my in laws are my family ( in fact they are more of a family to me than my own!).

SO and I are also perturbed that Bil and wife are leaving before Xmas on a long ski trip and won't be back in the country til April at the end of the season, leAving us to care for his recently bereaved mother 😠. He tells us we should just leave her in the home and live our lives (go on holiday like him)

What are your thoughts?

[notrightinthehead]

That's a hard one. Most of us would probably know what they would do. Obviously your SO is discussing the situation with you, but is he asking you for advice? What would you do in his situation? Have you told him? These are the questions I would ask myself.
From an objective point of view, your BIL has no right to withhold the funds from your SO. He might want them but he is not entitled to them.  Is your SO willing to stand up for himself? If a harmonious relationship with his brother is more important to him than the funds, he might decide to let it go. Will you be ok with that?

[Peace Lily]

Thank you, Notrightinthrhead, for your objectivity and questions to put to myself. My instinct is to keep out of it, but there is also a part of me that feels the "need" to advise and perhaps "control" this situation. (My own dysfunction). I feel if SO does not stand up for himself this will have some fallout on his family relationships and, if I'm totally honest, this I fear will affect me too. 
It IS wrong to withhold the money and not to have accepted the first "no" uttered by SO. Whatever SO wants to do with the money, is up to him.  However I think I should keep out of it as far as possible and offer support only as required. Maybe validating SO's opinions and feelings on the matter would be helpful and not crossing boundaries.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree, validating his feelings, helping him explore his feelings, offering different points of view if you have them. I once lived with a lovely roommate and she used to say - when she disagreed with my opinion - "there is that. And that's a valid point of view. And then one could also see it this way...." and she went on, giving me a different angle. It never made me feel criticised  or patronized and it broadened my perspective.

[bloomie]

Peace Lily - Only you can know if your SO is kind of mentally or emotionally frozen and very much in a grieving state (I would imagine SO is grieving) and highly vulnerable to being taken advantage of, or if SO truly is choosing the relationship over the inheritance? Which potentially sets both SO and bil up for resentments and disconnection later down the road when/if bil continues to disregard your SO's very important rights. That distinction has helped guide my response to my own DH in a similar situation.

Part of keeping the lines of communication and relationship clean and clear is to respectfully speak the truth and to choose love over fear. If you sense your SO is making decisions from a place of anxiety, fear, grief, vulnerability you could suggest he speak with a neural 3rd party - an attorney for example, and make a plan to address this withholding and power move on bil's part. Being direct is loving.

My concern is that if this continues unaddressed and your SO never receives their inheritance or a diminished amount at some point, down the road this will divide these two siblings either way because what is happening is wrong and a violation of bil's fiduciary responsibilities and you all know it. Bil is putting your SO in a position to have to ask for what rightfully belongs to them. That is not a familial spirit of cooperation and love and it will have ripple effects.

[daughter]

Is SO willing to hire attorney to write BIL polite but firm letter requesting smSO's inheritance monies to be delivered immediately via bank transfer or certified check?  This is legal matter. Some folks won't "do right thing" unless compelled to do so by attorney involvement.

My already wealthy NBM "took" monies she was to share w/her only sibling.  This is apparently quite common occurrence in dysfunctional families. Settlement of NBM's parents' estate was last battlefield for NBM to exert power, control, and disdain over her only sibling, SG sister, who didn't retain proper legal counsel. (Estate attorney was NBM's close friend, obviously acted on behalf of NBM's interests alone.)

NBM willfully destroyed their close but historically unbalanced relationship, we severed all contact at NBM's punitive demand to do so.  NBM withheld cash proceeds she had access to, then accused her sibling of "stealing".  NBM pocketed most of my small inheritance here too. 

[M0009803]

I second what daughter said.

Have SO hire a lawyer, and send BIL a proper legal letter.

I had the same experience with my mother who was executor of my fathers estate.  She sat on the money and would not give me my share.

Once I had legal counsel with the help of my wife (she is a lawyer), their intransigence quickly evaporated. 

I would be extremely careful with letting too much time go by, as it is possible that by that point (your SO wants his share due to more pressing financial reasons) all the money could be gone.

And thats also when the stakes are much higher, given that your SO would have to escalate the situation into an actual criminal complaint against his brother as executor.  This would likely fracture the family beyond repair.