So easy

[GentleSoul]

I wanted to express some thoughts as I move forward.  Am now nine months free from uPD husband.

An observation about normal healthy non-PD people.

Goodness me, aren't they easy and comfortable to be with.  A real pleasure.  Energising.  Laughing together, a warm natural laugh not at the expense of being mean about someone. 

They give and take.  Not just take take take.  They don't pry or try and over step boundaries.

These are the people I am inviting into my life now. I am being ultra careful not to ask anyone in with toxic traits.

I did have a few toxic "friends" but once uPDh had been gone for a while, I was able to see the toxic traits and removed them from my life.   I am aware of red flags. Anyone who makes my energy or mood drop.   

I now have a pleasant little group of people in my life who enhance it and I feel I enhance theirs. 

I had truly forgotten how enjoyable "normal" people are.

[notrightinthehead]

How lovely to read your post and to learn that you are on the other side! I am almost 4 years out now and still grateful and delighted to notice when others listen to what I say and take me seriously.
I have faded away from the toxic people in my life and try  not to let any new ones in. I feel lonely some times and am triggered some times.  There are times when I truly have no clue who I 'really' am and what I 'really' want. Maybe I will learn eventually.
This is to us becoming 'normal' people!

[GentleSoul]

How lovely to read your post and to learn that you are on the other side! I am almost 4 years out now and still grateful and delighted to notice when others listen to what I say and take me seriously.
I have faded away from the toxic people in my life and try  not to let any new ones in. I feel lonely some times and am triggered some times.  There are times when I truly have no clue who I 'really' am and what I 'really' want. Maybe I will learn eventually.
This is to us becoming 'normal' people!

Thank you for your reply and comments. 

Picking up on a point you raise about how other people listen to me and take me seriously.  Goodness, yes!!  What a joy.   

Not being spoken over, dismissed as talking rubbish, needing to kind of "prove" what I was saying.    Late hubby never believed anyone as he lied all the time so he thought everybody did.

I also relate to what  you share about having no clue who you really are and what you want.  I was exactly like that. No idea who I was at all. I think it had all been worn out of me over the years by uPD h. 

I am seeing myself reappearing though, slowly and surely.   I am very much enjoying it.   

New hairstyle, change of clothes style (I had dressed rather frumpy when he was here, older than my age), as well as the inside of me changing.

Best wishes to you. 

[1footouttadefog]

I say often that you could pick any Random person in the grocery store and quite often they would treat you better than a NPD or other PD would.

Normal reasonably polite strangers treat us better than a pd.

I use this a metric to know how bad pds relate to those who they have discarded.

[square]

A month ago, DD and I went to an event with her friend and friend's mother. Friend's mother (FM) drove.

There were several stressful moments - trouble finding a parking space for the restaurant, meal took longer than we thought so we were running late for the event, missed the turn for the event. Any one of these things would have been an absolute 100% ruiner of the day with H.

I was cringing at each stressor, really feeling almost flooded and panicked, not because I found the stressir itself that bad (I'm pretty laid back) but it was like I'd forgotten other human beings can deal with stuff.

FM and I both said soothing and supportive things: let's not worry about parking close, we can walk! We'll get there in time, no worries. Hey, we'll just turn around, no big deal. I just about wanted to cry, honestly. Like, it HURT that she was so calm and supportive.

We had a great time, everything ended up working out (found parking, not late, found event, etc). But my happy time was kind of mixed with some deep, unexpressed anger and poison.

PD antics make everything worse for everybody. H's meltdowns don't even help HIM. They just ruin EVERYTHING.

[GentleSoul]

I say often that you could pick any Random person in the grocery store and quite often they would treat you better than a NPD or other PD would.

Normal reasonably polite strangers treat us better than a pd.

I use this a metric to know how bad pds relate to those who they have discarded.

Absolutely, this was my experience too.  Strangers cared more about me than my own husband.   Were politer as well.

[GentleSoul]

A month ago, DD and I went to an event with her friend and friend's mother. Friend's mother (FM) drove.

There were several stressful moments - trouble finding a parking space for the restaurant, meal took longer than we thought so we were running late for the event, missed the turn for the event. Any one of these things would have been an absolute 100% ruiner of the day with H.

I was cringing at each stressor, really feeling almost flooded and panicked, not because I found the stressir itself that bad (I'm pretty laid back) but it was like I'd forgotten other human beings can deal with stuff.

FM and I both said soothing and supportive things: let's not worry about parking close, we can walk! We'll get there in time, no worries. Hey, we'll just turn around, no big deal. I just about wanted to cry, honestly. Like, it HURT that she was so calm and supportive.

We had a great time, everything ended up working out (found parking, not late, found event, etc). But my happy time was kind of mixed with some deep, unexpressed anger and poison.

PD antics make everything worse for everybody. H's meltdowns don't even help HIM. They just ruin EVERYTHING.

Thank you so much for sharing this.  I have been through similar, recognising situations that late uPD husband would have reacted with a meltdown. 

Realising that he is gone and I am safe.  That my nervous system would not be battered by his emotional violence.  In the first few months after his passing, my body automatically still released the fear and adrenalin.  Gradually it has stopped.

I am often moved to tears by the kindness of people, to them it is no big deal, they are just being a normal, caring, calm, capable person. To me though, it can be quite overwhelming as I am not used to it.  I understand what you say about it hurting. 

While I was living in it, I could not see how stressful and frightening being around late h was. I was on edge all the time.

I am experiencing the release of lots of unexpressed hurt, anger and pain too.  Very very painful but I am glad it is coming up and out of my body.

[square]

Yeah, that's it, our nervous systems are ready for emotional violence.

H hasn't been so spitting *mean* as he was a few years ago (as bad as things are, things have improved a fair amount). Around that time I found a Mister Rogers episode and him saying with such care and kindness "I like you just the way you are" did nothing but hurt. It did not feel even a little bit good, I cried in pain and could not continue watching. A kick in the gut.

Thankfully I can now watch him say that and have some good feelings, but the pain is still there. And I'm a person who grew up with loving parents and spent the first 35+ years of my life feeling emotionally secure.

I also feel pain seeing some couples. I know full well we don't know what's inside a marriage (or other relationship). But it's not the big theatrics that do anything for me. Sometimes I just someone clearly trust their partner in some little gesture, reach for them, or just look in their face and smile a bit (my H is paranoid and years ago I learned to stop looking at him as he saw even my pleasant face as angry, and he doesn't look at me or call me by my name or anything at all).

It hurts to see partners ask each other for help in ways that show they don't expect to get thrashed for it. "Hon, can you grab that box in the attic for me?" Hurts to see a man reassure a woman or offer to help her.

I'm glad you are healing from this. I know I could eventually if I got away from this somehow - though surely I'll always have scars.

[GentleSoul]

Yeah, that's it, our nervous systems are ready for emotional violence.

H hasn't been so spitting *mean* as he was a few years ago (as bad as things are, things have improved a fair amount). Around that time I found a Mister Rogers episode and him saying with such care and kindness "I like you just the way you are" did nothing but hurt. It did not feel even a little bit good, I cried in pain and could not continue watching. A kick in the gut.

Thankfully I can now watch him say that and have some good feelings, but the pain is still there. And I'm a person who grew up with loving parents and spent the first 35+ years of my life feeling emotionally secure.

I also feel pain seeing some couples. I know full well we don't know what's inside a marriage (or other relationship). But it's not the big theatrics that do anything for me. Sometimes I just someone clearly trust their partner in some little gesture, reach for them, or just look in their face and smile a bit (my H is paranoid and years ago I learned to stop looking at him as he saw even my pleasant face as angry, and he doesn't look at me or call me by my name or anything at all).

It hurts to see partners ask each other for help in ways that show they don't expect to get thrashed for it. "Hon, can you grab that box in the attic for me?" Hurts to see a man reassure a woman or offer to help her.

I'm glad you are healing from this. I know I could eventually if I got away from this somehow - though surely I'll always have scars.

Many thanks for your response, Square.  It is only lately I have been able to call it "emotional violence", I couldn't recognise it before.  That is what it is though.  My late husband never shouted or was physically violent but I still felt his violence in my body.

Since he passed, I have studied this a lot and with this knowledge has come FREEDOM.  To see and understand what my mind, body and soul went through. 

I feel he was a covert narc so this is the particular area I studied.  Now I am in the place of seeing the traits are tedious and dull.  All the mystery has been taken out of these behaviours.  Once you see things in the clear daylight, a lot of the fear is taken away, I think.

Funny you mention Your H doesn't call you by name.  Mine didn't either.  Now when people do, it catches me by surprise.  I like it very much though.  I don't think late H "saw" me really hence not calling me by name.  He didn't much like eye contact either.

I am sure you can heal if you can get away.  it does take time to heal and in my experience has been very physically painful but it is so worth it.

Sending kindness to you. I am sure you are lovely exactly as you are.  We all are.  We are good people.  Take care.

[square]

Interesting about being called by our names (I'd take a sweet nickname too, like Hon or whatever). I never noticed or cared about anyone addressing me before, but after years of being entirely unaddressed, it's an odd hole. Only my mother uses my name, and it's a bit of a balm. (My DD calling me "mom" is ok too, but somehow I wish for my H to address me as well.)

Thank you for your kindness, wishing you further peace and healing.

[Boat Babe]

My grandparents were very dysfunctional. My grandfather never called my grandmother by her given name. Not once in my hearing and it pained her. Mind you, she was just as bad in different ways. Gargh.

[GentleSoul]

Thanks Square & Boat Babe. 

I find it very healing and helpful to share these things.

Ok, I am shuddering as I write this but want to put it out there, at times late H called me "mummy".   The sickness in my stomach from that.  Shudder.

Anyway he did it many years ago, I asked him not to, so he did all the more for a time, then thankfully he forgot about it.

Then in latter years when he was really ill, he started doing it again.  A lot. I would feel physically sick each time.  It would have the tone of a helpless child in how he said it.  Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

It felt so perverted and unnatural to me.

But as said, never use my actual name. 

[Boat Babe]

Hugs sweetheart.

[escapingman]

Thank you all for sharing? This is so good to read for me that is just that last step away from  leaving all this behind.

[GentleSoul]

Hugs sweetheart.

Thank you, I appreciate your hugs,  Sending some back to you.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you all for sharing? This is so good to read for me that is just that last step away from  leaving all this behind.

Yes, I very much feel this is the residue of the healing.

I believe with all my heart that we can recover and live freely once we have processed and released all the pain.