I feel ashamed because someone has to and my parent does not.

[neilyneil]

I'm about 3 months into this journey and not feeling great. Every boundary I have to enforce makes me feel like I am grieving their death. I am used to talking to my dad daily, if not multiple times a day. I now realize the toll this compulsive need/attachment is having on not only me, but my marriage.

Background: My dad separated from my mother 10 years ago. They remain separated, but not divorced. In that time, one of my siblings had a child, I got married and another sibling joined the military. My parents were cordial at some points, enemies at others and, for a very brief period, co-parents. My siblings and I have always felt like we needed to choose sides and most of the time we sided with my dad (even as children). My siblings alliances have changed throughout the last 10 years, but for the last 2 years, both siblings have realized they need to go no contact with my dad. I am the only sibling who has frequent contact with both parents (although a lot more with my father). My siblings went no contact with my dad because of his narcissistic tendencies and "do what I say, not as I do" attitude. I am not exempt from this treatment by him, I just enable it (for context, I am the oldest child and daughter).

Current: I am still the only child to have contact with my dad. He recently went no contact with my mother (his choice as a tactic to get my mother to initiate the divorce). He is now choosing to spend the holidays in Mexico with his girlfriend and her adult children (it's funny, she looks just like my mom and has children the same ages/gender/order as me and my siblings). Before he goes, he wants me to spend a few days with him before he leaves for Mexico. I feel obligated to go. I'm afraid he will feel abandoned, unloved and unappreciated if I don't. I don't want him to feel this way even though his actions are already making me feel this way and will not change just because I am hurt.

My husband and I love each other very much and sincerely enjoy our time together, he is my favorite person. This trip will be the first time in 5 years we have ever been more than 20 miles apart from each other. He understands as much as he can about what I'm feeling with my dad and is supportive of me taking a trip, but concerned about my emotional well-being during the trip and when I come back. He told me he's glad I'm taking time off work, but worried about how it will be when I get back because of how emotionally drained and frustrated I feel after visits with my dad.

I was advised to not go on the trip. I do not want to go on the trip. I also do not want to make the choice to stay or go.

I very much feel like I am taking away nourishment for my growing relationship/future with my husband and giving to the growing resentment/hurt to my father. I feel like I am sacrificing my husband for my father.   In fact, I know that is what I am doing. I feel ashamed about the whole situation and even more ashamed that I know I am sacrificing my husband and still making the choice to do so (I'm struggling with whether it is even 'can't' or 'won't.').

My husband says I am blaming myself for my father's actions. He says what he's hearing me says is "my dad should be ashamed, but he isn't and someone has to, so, I will."

My flight leaves in 6 hours and I can't find the strength to pick up the phone and tell my dad I'm not coming. I keep telling myself I can go and have this conversation with him in-person and that will give me closure. I know it won't.

I don't know my reason for sharing. Thanks for reading.

[SunnyMeadow]

I felt the tension as I read your post. It's a very difficult position for you to be in.

I was/am that daughter. The only one left who communicates with my uNPD mother and her husband. I should have taken a big clue when everyone else was being discarded or voluntarily stopped communicating. I didn't and now I'm in a somewhat similar boat as you.

It's a shame that with our marriage vows we didn't disengage from our parents and spend most of our time with our spouses. I used to talk to my mom at least once if not more times a day, really in-depth and soul baring conversations which she now uses against me. So many problems throughout the years would have been alleviated if I would have done that. 

Please keep posting here and update what you decide to do. I'm sorry you're facing this difficult choice.

[neilyneil]

Thank you, SunnyMeadow. My heart goes out to you, it really is a difficult position to be in.

My dad and I have the same soul baring conversations, conversations that make me second guess my feelings and want to distance myself. I know it is short lived, though. I don't know what's worse — using it against me or just flat out telling me the conversations never happened or that I'm misremembering.

I'm at the airport now. Just had a conversation with my brother about how he tried to open a line of communication with my dad only to be ridiculed because he said he wanted my father to tell him he's proud.

Probably a good sign of what's in store for me.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself, neilyneil. Three months into my own journey, I wasn't even quite sure what label to give my PDmom or whether she really had it or whether it was "just in my head." I certainly wasn't at the point of setting firm boundaries yet.

I know how frustrating it is to know you should say no and still not be able to do it. But consider the fact that you are undoing decades of conditioning to ask "how high?" whenever your dad asks you to jump. It's going to be a process. It can be hard enough to figure out where the boundaries to be, let alone how to implement them. You'll get there.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Especially during and after this trip, which I'm guessing is really going to take a toll on your emotional wellbeing.