Finally choosing NC with uPD sis

[serenitycalm]

Our parents were uPDS grandiose narcissistic, sadistic cruelly abusive, mother trended towards paranoia also and father fits schizoid definitions. Both had experienced trauma as children and young adults. Alcoholism also in mix. As far as I know neither was diagnosed, though I suspect health care providers noted that my mother was grandiose.

I was the eldest, black sheep/scapegoat. I may be the only one in this family to get diagnosed, therapy, medical care, and able to break the chains of abuse.

This sister was golden child of my mother. Mother and she were out of contact for 25 years because I supposedly had been bad. Eventually I realized that their shunning of me was a wonderful thing.  I had breathing room to grow healthy.

When my mother died, I happened to be the person notified, I then tracked down my sister via snail mail and then email to inform her. We've been in a wary email conversation since. Sharing our family stories helped us both at first but then I eased out of that, I did not want to focus endlessly on trauma.

I thought we could shift into neutral friendly holiday greetings etc. But we are very different people and our contact now can involve hurt feelings so I am letting this go.

My sister has some waif and other pd behavior. Long emails of difficulties - feral cats that she feeds but somehow can't get help with, health problems that she won't get medical care for, rants about the man she divorced 30 years ago (Including her hopes that he is suffering), and now her encouraging me to give a "psychic' con artist money for the supposedly dark forces that are after us all.

Sigh.

I'm good with my response to her. I gave her pragmatic real world resources. Her response was to position me as the weak person who doesn't understand her own spiritual wisdom and brilliance. So, I'm out. I've been on this rodeo in the past with my grandiose mother.

I blocked her email (finally!) and took a good walk. Exercise helps. I looked at the sky and trees and reminded myself that there is more to life than petty painful unnecessary drama.

I'm lifting my cup of coffee to us all in toast to we brave, coping, growing souls who deal with people with personality disorders.

[bloomie]

serenitycalm - first, love your forum name!

I lift my cup of Earl Grey to you as well as you know what you need to do in this relationship with your sister and are doing it. 🫖

Not allowing yourself to be dragged backward into the unnecessary drama and pettiness is beyond wise. What strikes me, as I read through your update, is the clear headedness you express. What a reward for all of the hard work you have done in your life to know for sure: "I did not want to focus endlessly on trauma."

[serenitycalm]

Thanks Bloomie!

"reward for all of the hard work you have done" - this is a very helpful framing, thank you.

Today I feel some vague guilt, some echos of how I was trained by my parents to feel like I am "bad".  I'm a little uncomfortable but I've been through even worse discomfort before and I know this will pass. I got a good walk and have other fun things to focus on.

My decision to go NC will help my extended family too, they've been hearing my FOG  anguish after most every email bomb from my sister.

As I come Out of the FOG one of many things I realize is that during these years of email drama with my sister, I never once entertained the notion of encouraging my adult son to get in touch with his aunt. And I knew that I could not talk on the phone with her. I was aware of the red flags all along but it took me awhile to finally fully understand.

I was trained to be the scapegoat, black sheep, and to always be the available helper and therapist. My mother offloaded her own emotional disturbance and trauma on me since an early age, often disturbing my sleep in order to cry and vent. My sister follows in my mother's footsteps.

I wish my sister well. By going NC I am taking good care of myself.