10 days

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I have fatigue issues (physical) and motivation issues (emotional).

I have ten days before I leave to see my mom (and for my father's service).

There are things I need to get done. So I hope y'all don't mind if I have a boring thread where I motivate myself just for these ten days.

Tonight my goal is to work on this huge photo project - because I would like to share the photos with my mom (pics of my dad and family overall). I don't expect to complete it tonight, but I'd like to make a real good push.

H continues to be emotionally normal. No changes to his crazy sleep schedule, just that maybe he is sleeping better with the SAD lamp. That seems to have let the air out of the PD demon. It's not a mask or hoover, just normal. Neutral moods, happier moods, irritated but not PD moods. I was irritated with him yesterday and expressed it, normally that would light the fuse for a whole blowup, but he realized he was letting the side down and was contrite.

I have been hiding less and coming out of my room more even when he is around. He has also been a bit more affectionate. Usually he leaves for work without speaking to me once, or just "bye" maybe, but today he patted me on the arm lol. (I know, our marriage is too hot for a family forum).

It's usually a huge trigger if anything is needed of him like a ride to the doctor or hair salon for DD, but I have actually been asking more favors lately and it's been fine. There's likely still a limit because his physical problems are nowhere near cured, but the edge has come off and he has a little energy at least.

So I should be perfectly motivated, right? Nothing stopping me now! Except Newton's second or whatever law, a body wt rest stays at rest. And guys, I'm at rest.

I gotta get this ship moving.

[1footouttadefog]

Getting the ship moving can be hard.  Do it in small bursts. 

Make manageable goals as you have stated. 

I can relate to not coming out of the room.  I did not realize just how much I was staying out of the way if oddness by staying in my own space.

I am living mostly apart now, but realize how bad it was when some minor chaos makes me want to retreat.  I feel the urge to retreat then remind myself it temporary because pdh is only up for dinner and a short visit, or if it's lunch time the same.  Knowing it's a limited thing makes the glitches seem less.

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It IS weird, isn't it, how we can find ourselves hiding. I'm not sure I was totally conscious of it at first.

For me it wasn't chaos, but avoiding criticism and general darkness. There is a way some PDs can get, they don't have to say a word, but there is just... a darkness. Like a dementor from Harry Potter, sucking all the happiness out of the room. It is disturbing and frightening, even if you're not afraid they will actually hurt you.

ANYHOO.

I did work on the pics tonight. But the project is enormous. No way am I finishing in ten days, but I'm not worried. Whatever I do will be worth it, and I'll keep going when I get back. I'm satisfied with my work tonight.

I also saw something saying that planking for one minute a day is worthwhile as a compound exercise. I can't claim I don't have time for that. Not in great shape so I managed thirty seconds lol. Will do again each day for the ten.

I plan to do an actual daily wxercise routine at my mom's. I wish I could walk a lot but my blindness prevents me from comfortably walking alone, and my mom won't be able to. DD will take me some days, though - but then she will spend the rest of the trip elsewhere with a friend.

[Worthy of Care]

I have been hiding less and coming out of my room more even when he is around.

I can relate to not coming out of the room.  I did not realize just how much I was staying out of the way if oddness by staying in my own space.

I pretty much stay in my room or in the family room while H is in living room. We live fairly separately in the same house.

I did work on the pics tonight. But the project is enormous. No way am I finishing in ten days, but I'm not worried. Whatever I do will be worth it, and I'll keep going when I get back. I'm satisfied with my work tonight.

Good for you!

[1footouttadefog]

Now I have to look up planking.  If it means plopping down on your back diagonally across your bed in exasperation, then I am ripped, and fit.

Haha

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Lol.

It's just getting into a pushup position and holding it. Super easy for a few seconds, then gets harder and harder. Good for core strength. You can rest on your forearms instead of your hands as a modification, which I am using.

Worthy, thanks for the encouragement.

I assume a lot of us hide from our PDs in some manner or other. I can't drive so I'm stuck at home.

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So, I've been failing. Spectacularly.

I am simultaneously really frustrated with myself but also forgiving myself. But I just also feel so... maybe not confused but... just like this isn't me. I can't get used to it.

Ten days is a pretty short term commitment, and I was not asking much of myself in that time either. Any progress would have been warmly accepted.

I am just not this person. Oh, I have certainly procrastinated, but I always got it done, and didn't phone it in either.

But I've had to let it all go these last few years. I lost most control over my own life. Couldn't control getting out of the house, or keeping it clean or repaired or anything hardly at all.

It took a couple of years to transition from "well of course we need to take care of this" to "... I don't care."

Dishwasher isn't working properly. Don't care.
Light switch cover fell off. Don't care.
Kitchen table covered with H's crap, cannot even eat there. Don't care.

It didn't happen overnight. But my choice was to either care, or not care. And caring was killing me.

Now, it would be better to care about some things and not others. Therefore I could get my act together on the things I can control.

But it just isn't how it worked. Maybe necause everything is so interconnected - like why care about this one aspect of the house falling apart when I really can't deal with the rest? Like, ok, I fix the light switch, it's still a dump anyway. I'd care if it wasn't a dump.

Or maybe just emotionally I just can't pick and choose, that the dial is set either to "care" or "don't care" and that's that? Like, the method I use to disengage is global.

I don't know. My mind is screaming that I can't pin this on H, I need to figure my stuff out without scapegoating him. You know what, the fridge being a mess is MY fault. He barely uses the fridge. My room is almost entirely under my control - the part lacking is I can't declutter because I can't get rid of trash and Goodwill stuff.

It took me years to turn off caring, I guess no surprise I couldn't snap my fingers and restart the engine.

Especially since I have no intention of letting my guard down a lot anyway. I have some. But this is a temporary interlude of peace, no more. So another "no wonder" I couldn't just snap my fingers.

Not caring is how I get through my day. Every day.

[1footouttadefog]

I totally get the interconnectedness and procrastination.

I have this problem my place has gotten in to worse shape that I ever imagined possible.

I had a light bulb moment recently.  I somehow was able to feel emotionally feel the road blocks.  Alot of procrastination is emotional and this okay into it.  Perfectionism is also part of it all. 

I have a loft in my storage shed.  An elderly man helped my build the steps up there and he made a mistake and there are two to many steps.  We ran out of the wood for them and I put some other wood on them just to get it done for then. 

Now two years later I realize that this possibly bad wood is bothering me.  Silly but it has not surfaced until recently.  I just need to replace two boards then the stack if stuff is n the garage and laundry room can be taken and put where they need to go.

The shower thing that send the water up in the tub is messed up and only part of the water goes up the shower head.  There is guilt over the wasted water etc.  Yeah, this needs changed.  I am going through watch YouTube videos after the holidays and will buy a nice new set for that bathroom and do the work myself. 

I fixed a few things recently in my car.  I had actually been thinking about getting a new car.  I ordered some parts and got a few things fixed.  Next thing I know, I then had an urge to vaccine and detail the car.  I have one more thing to fix and I can start driving it.  It has a TAPE player in it and I have a big box of course cassettes I have always wanted to listen to in the trunk now.

So for me each little fix that is a road block issue is having other positive impacts on my life and making it easier to get to and do other things in the list.

For me it's because I put the little annoying emotionally bothersome things first. 

I opened the shed door the other night to get something and almost surprised myself because the walk spaces were clear and it was safe to walk around to get to what I needed from there.  I had a big urge to get to work with some organizing etc but decided it would not be fair as my kids are home and we can do holiday stuff instead.  At least I have some motivation for later.

I hope you find a Path forward with your stuff also.  You are worth it and every little improvement will relieve a bit of stress after time it will add up.

[Associate of Daniel]

1foot... how do you vaccine a car?

LOL. Auto correct strikes again.

Congrats on all you've done though.  YouTube is a great resource for DIY.

AOD

[1footouttadefog]

Easy, you fuel inject into the turbo booster...... Shot.

Yes autoincorrect .

One another silly note, I saw a video that had a parody of "Mary Did you Know?"

Fauci did you know that your virus would someday ruin the world.........Did you know that your science.....