Help with request mitigation

[H_Allison]

Hello everyone!

It's been a bit, but we have been doing well and gearing up for the holidays.

I am hoping I can tap into your wisdom to help me craft a management plan for the most recent request from my MIL. Over the years, she has expressed an odd fixation with getting pictures of my kids, particularly digital pictures. We have not been sending her pictures ever since she passively threatened that she could do whatever she wants with the pictures she does have. (This was after she was told to remove a picture that she did not ask permission to post on social media. The rule for everyone is that only DH and I post pictures of our kids- applies to everyone.) We've deployed all the usual tactics (sending only hard copies, ignoring her requests, etc).

As you can imagine, DH has not directly told her why we aren't sending pictures. We just haven't for years.

Anyway- there must have been something that came up in her social circle or something that essentially pointed out that she has an almost non-existent relationship with her grandchildren- as evidenced by 0 pictures of them that she could show people. If I could guess, she was embarrassed and infuriated that 'we embarrassed her'. She's been like a dog with a bone on the pictures train recently. As she has requested pictures for several major holidays/celebrations in the last few months and not received any, she has now started badgering us about sending her a 'flash drive with all the pictures of the kids' (specifically citing holidays and events over the last two years) because 'she just misses them so much' and we are being 'unfair' because other grandparents get all kids of pictures of their grandkids. It's 'all she wants for Christmas'. She even threw in a line about 'hoping our kids never treat us this way' at the end. Classic.

I know it's time to stop this badgering, but I'm struggling with finding the words to use. I don't want to give her more explanation than she needs, but I also want to make expectations clear.
Any suggestions?

[engineer31]

Sounds just like my MIL. Constant complaining that I never sent her pictures, even though she could see the pictures I posted on social media, but since I didn't DIRECTLY send them to her, it doesn't count I eventually told her it's not my job (my IL's are old school and just about everything is the woman's job...) so, when I told her that's not my job and to ask her son (my DH), that didn't go over well. We haven't spoken to them since July so I'm not sure if my advice is very helpful LOL. I would definitely have your DH have that conversation with her. I feel like you could do 1 of 2 things in my opinion. 1. Tell her the truth and say you don't get pics anymore because we have told you not to share them with anyone and you do not respect our boundaries. OR 2. "No." is a complete sentence.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I definitely know what it's like to have that MIL that has no relationship with the kids, but wants all the pictures to "show HER GRANDKIDS off" to the rest of the world. 

[Andeza]

"No" is a complete sentence is my favorite.

[bloomie]

H_Allison - did a quick read of some of your prior posts to get a sense of your level of contact with mil. Thinking she still does not see your family often and that is why she doesn't have pics of the kiddos she has taken herself?

The demand for 'images' of our family from my own mil is image building. Literally and figuratively. How her life looks to those whose opinions she values is all that seems to matter. She has very little interest and relationship with us or our kids and grandkids other than at strategic moments when most people spend time with family - like holidays.  A big part of having a 'family' for her is the images lined up on her mantel or on her phone to show to her friends.

Given the privacy restrictions you have wisely set for images of your children and the past history of her disregarding those restrictions could you either continue to ignore her requests and send the hard copy images as you have been doing or simply answer: "To protect the kids' privacy we won't be sending digital images." One time. 

Game over. Your images of your kids and you get to make this decision.

[H_Allison]

H_Allison - did a quick read of some of your prior posts to get a sense of your level of contact with mil. Thinking she still does not see your family often and that is why she doesn't have pics of the kiddos she has taken herself?

Yes- this is true. We actually have not seen her in over a year. She has not met our youngest, largely because of our requirements around vaccination, but I honestly think that's a convenient excuse at this point.

I would bet money that she's embarrassed that she has this new grandchild with no pictures to show for it!

[Cat of the Canals]

I second everything Bloomie said, especially the thing about image-building. PDmil was very pushy about going to a particular tourist attraction when she came to visit us. I couldn't figure out why she wanted to go to this place so badly when there's much cooler stuff to see here. My husband said, "Didn't you see the brochure? All the photos were of people standing in front of the sculptures. She wants to go because it's a photo op." Her relationship with us is surface-level at best, but she is obsessed with taking photos of us anytime she visits so she has something to show off.

As a courtesy, I'd tell her one final time that you won't be delivering digital photos, but I'd ignore any further demands on the subject after that. Like Andeza said, "no" is a complete sentence and if someone doesn't understand that, that's on them. You may not be able to stop the badgering but that doesn't mean you have to engage in the conversation.

[Andeza]

It was uPDmil's demand for video calls and tons of pictures of her GC grandson that ultimately led DH to calling NC on her. It was getting out of hand. At least once a week, but frequently more often than that, she was asking for pictures. I can only assume, since she does not use social media, that she wanted them for the sake of showing off to her coworkers. She pushed DH a little too hard and he addressed the neediness behind the request, leading to her setting off enFIL, and BAM ... NC.

[H_Allison]

As a courtesy, I'd tell her one final time that you won't be delivering digital photos, but I'd ignore any further demands on the subject after that. Like Andeza said, "no" is a complete sentence and if someone doesn't understand that, that's on them. You may not be able to stop the badgering but that doesn't mean you have to engage in the conversation.

I am wondering if a few nuances make a difference here:
1. We have never actually told her that we aren't sending pictures- we just haven't for two years now. DH really struggles with confrontation with her and so he's banking on her just figuring it out (not helpful really). It's pretty obvious at this point, but she's never actually heard us say that.
2. Related to the issue above, DH will make really obvious BS excuses when she pushes him to a point that he wants her to back off. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would add up all the excuses over two years and not be able to read between the lines, but that is exactly what she is going to come back with if we give her any explanations.
3. She is never satisfied with 'no' so if my goal is to end the badgering, I need to have my follow up ready for when she pushes harder.

Does this change how much you might tell her at this point?

[WinterStar]

H_Allison,

My mother is the same. I learned growing up to deflect and give excuses rather than directly saying "no." I wasn't allowed to say "no." I remember having to come up with elaborate excuses to get out of things. Like, you're allowed to cancel plans if you're sick, but you can't go to that well too often or she'll suspected something, and it doesn't get you out of things that can be rescheduled. I cannot explain how much emotional energy I invested into this "system" over the decades.

The best option is just to say, "no." Shes not entitled to a reason. Reasons exist for her to poke holes and find a work around. Saying "no" clearly once should be the end, but I bet she won't accept that "no." My next play would be to say, "I've already answered that." Or, "I don't want to talk about it." And then ignore future requests.

[bloomie]

H_Allison - there is a technique that is suggested by a man named Bill Eddy to use when responding to a potentially high conflict situation that is called BIFF... brief, informational, friendly, and firm. This is the framework I use when communicating with in laws who do not have (or choose not to have) good situational awareness related to others and have a high sense of entitlement.

This is especially helpful in written communication, but you could use this idea when speaking with your mil as well. There is a difference between justifying your decisions, arguing your right to make them, and over explaining versus giving a respectful response to a request from a family member.

"Since you have asked several times to put this to rest..we will not be sending digital images of the kids." When asked  Why..."That is the choice we have made for our family." When she asks again or next time: "Our position is unchanged." then segue into another topic or politely end the conversation. It is possible to respond directly, calmly, honestly and without defensiveness.

Part of all of this is learning and building communication tools that will serve us throughout our lives, but will most importantly serve us with those who are difficult and uncooperative when not getting what they want. This is an area of growth I have been personally challenged to mature in.

I would get so hyped up and triggered by an insistent request and the anticipation of painful push back when in laws and my own FOO would come in like a steamroller, I often responded defensively, or I would fawn or over explain or give in. Which made my responses inconsistent. 

I continue to work on how to communicate respectfully, calmly, setting healthy boundaries without over explaining or apologizing, without making excuses that may or may not be valid, allowing the displeasure or disappointment of another person to hang like a dense fog over my life.

I also do not believe it is always wrong to offer a real reason for something... for example... 'we can't make the party, we have already committed to something else.' when true, is a social nicety and only you can judge when to add context to your response to a request.

When I respond with a stedfast integrity and I am clear about what does and does not work for me or my family... even when it goes sideways and another reacts and stirs up a storm, I can better stay my course. Doesn't mean it doesn't bother me, but I can more quickly work through it.

This is hard stuff because it is really about so much more than pictures, right? It is an opportunity for you and your DH to examine if you are being consistent and clear in your communication, including when you choose not to respond, in this situation. And to be in unity overall related to your mil's level of contact and influence in your lives.

[Cat of the Canals]

As a courtesy, I'd tell her one final time that you won't be delivering digital photos, but I'd ignore any further demands on the subject after that. Like Andeza said, "no" is a complete sentence and if someone doesn't understand that, that's on them. You may not be able to stop the badgering but that doesn't mean you have to engage in the conversation.

I am wondering if a few nuances make a difference here:
1. We have never actually told her that we aren't sending pictures- we just haven't for two years now. DH really struggles with confrontation with her and so he's banking on her just figuring it out (not helpful really). It's pretty obvious at this point, but she's never actually heard us say that.
2. Related to the issue above, DH will make really obvious BS excuses when she pushes him to a point that he wants her to back off. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would add up all the excuses over two years and not be able to read between the lines, but that is exactly what she is going to come back with if we give her any explanations.
3. She is never satisfied with 'no' so if my goal is to end the badgering, I need to have my follow up ready for when she pushes harder.

Does this change how much you might tell her at this point?

Per #2: We did the same runaround with my PDmil about showing up at our house unannounced or on very short notice (essentially, "I'm on my way!"). We tried hinting that we were very busy (we work from home). We tried leaving the house before she arrived so maybe she'd realize that texting us to say "I'm coming to your house" without waiting for us to say "OK, that's fine" was a bad idea if we ended up not being home. I believe any non-PD would have taken the hint. She did not.

But she also didn't take the hint when my husband flat out told her: "I need you to stop coming here without arranging it with us first. We are busy and it interrupts our work." In fact the only reason she's not still doing it is because we moved several thousand miles away. 

I bring this anecdote up because you said, "if my goal is to end the badgering..." Boundaries are for you, not for anyone else. There is a very good chance you will not be able to stop the badgering for the simply reason that you can't actually control another person's behavior. Trying to come up with the magic words that will make a PD stop doing what they've been doing is often a losing battle.

That doesn't mean you don't lay it out for her, and in fact, I think you should. At least then you'll know that she's been given an explicit "no." Any pushing from her after that is a blatant disregard for you and your parenting. It's rude and she should know better (and probably does). It's not necessarily less annoying, but you will probably feel more "in the right" to ignore future requests.

After we laid out the boundary for my PDmil on the drop-ins, I stopped entertaining her when she came unannounced. Previously, I'd drop everything and socialize for however long she deigned to stay. Before we set the boundary, I would have felt guilty and passive-aggressive doing that. And if it had been 100% up to me, we literally wouldn't have answered the door, but I made that my husband's choice and left him to deal with her mostly on his own.

As for wording, Bloomie's "BIFF" suggestion is a good one. Really, any way you state the boundary politely and firmly would be the right move. If she pushes back, now or in the future, just be ready with a cheery, "We've already discussed this and the answer is still no." I'd give her one or two of those before I simply started ignoring the request completely.

[H_Allison]

Thanks everyone! I am so glad to have this forum to bounce ideas off of! I have several lines from all your comments that I am saving- such great suggestions. I'm going to officially add 'practice more BIFF' responses to my New Year's resolutions!

Thank you again!