Continuing saga of uNBro on the run

[goodgirl]

So I posted about my uNBro a few weeks ago (https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89904.0) and the situation just keeps on keeping on.

After 10 days of hanging out in CO, behaving as though he was on vacation, he did finally come back home for almost a week, but he's now flown to FL to presumably value/sell a bunch of old comic books and make his fortune.    There are so many awful details from the last 4 weeks--lies, gaslighting, triangulation, cruelty, abusive texts and VMs. This is the brother I've known all along, but on steroids. 

My poor SIL, though--her entire life has been turned inside out, and she's now questioning everything she thought she knew about him and their 20 years together. She still hopes--that he will admit he has a problem, that he will seek help for his (probably late stage) alcoholism, that they can get back to their old normal.  And I know she has to reach her own conclusions. But...

I just cannot envision any scenario where NBro seeks help or ever admits he's the problem. I don't. I am 100% convinced that there is only grief and pain for SIL if she stays with him, trying to fix him. And his bad behavior is escalating exponentially. He has never been physically violent before, and she says she doesn't believe he ever would hurt her. But part of his escalating behavior has included a new lack of self-regulation that's included VMs and texts to me that are so vicious and vulgar and unprecedented. The sentiments are not surprising to me, but his basically leaving all this evidence--that can be shared with anyone--is a new lack of self-control that is worrisome. I fear what the next step is.  I've told SIL that she needs to listen to her gut and, even if it doesn't feel logical to her, get out if she ever feels unsafe or threatened, and come stay with us: her room will be kept ready.

She was originally coming to come back to our house today (he's supposed to fly home tomorrow, supposedly) but yesterday she changed her mind and wanted to see how he was when he got back. Part of me feels like a drama queen for worrying about her safety. But so many insane things have happened in the last 4 weeks, I feel like he could do anything. But I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens.

[serenitycalm]

goodgirl, you definitely are not being a drama queen.

I encourage you to look through the National Domestic Violence Hotline support website. They have call, text, chat support available plus information resources. Your brother is abusing you also, that is domestic violence. He is abusing your SIL.

You can learn about and set up safety plans, for your own safety and that of your SIL if she takes refuge at your home. You can make sure that you have emergency phone numbers and crisis line/domestic violence aid on your  phone, and maybe a printed out resource list available. You can learn about local resources so as to have them handy.

You can proactively make getting prepared your project. This might help ease some stress because it is something you can control. You can't control your brother or SIL but you can control some of your own circumstances.

If you are able, maybe think through some "what if?" scenarios. For instance, what if brother shows up injured, yelling, and throwing things at your front door? What if SIL shows up upset at your front door and he is raging right behind?

As you know, just because he hasn't been physical before does not at all predict how he will act next.

Best wishes sent your way, I feel for you in this situation. Step up your own self care also, you deserve to be treated well.

[goodgirl]

Thanks, serenitycalm! These weeks have been the most surreal of my entire life. Sometimes it feels like we're trapped in the latest Netflix horror story.

So Nbro did actually come home, and now my SIL is basically tiptoeing around him to avoid setting him off, they're not discussing any of the crazy/dangerous things he's done over the last month, he's making a point to go out to multiple restaurants and drink in front of her, and he's spending money like he's a millionaire, when in reality they are both unemployed and no longer eligible for unemployment benefits. And they're planning Christmas at a hotel.  She is frightened and angry and sad, but she's decided to stay put and...  I don't know, wait for a sign? For him to magically decide why YES, he does have a problem and will seek help.

And I'm realizing I have to figure out a way to be there for her but also to step back and detach. I'm realizing that my brother has dominated my life for the last four weeks. My anxiety is spiking and I'm spending all my time thinking about the situation, trying to anticipate what will happen next, trying to figure out how to help SIL, how to handle my elderly mother if/when we end up having to tell her what's really going on with her son. But I'm now starting to wonder if I need to... not. 

I'm just so damned tire of being the responsible one. At the same time, I *want* to be there for SIL, and I need to be there for my mom. And I'm so angry at my brother for everything he's doing.

[serenitycalm]

I hope your holidays are somehow okay for you, goodgirl, and that you are able to make yourself your own priority.

Your own well being and level of anxiety come first. We can't help anyone when we ourselves are running on empty. You first.

You don't have to be the responsible one for everyone else. You can drop the rope. Focus on yourself.

You can keep emergency/crisis/domestic violence numbers handy and when needed give them to SIL. You don't need to hear the details of the drama, you don't need to try to figure out what will happen next. This is above your pay-grade.

Anxiety can make us feel like we need to micro manage everything going on. We get hyper-vigilant.  But the more we feed that anxiety with unnecessary activity and thoughts, the more our anxiety intensifies.

Can you check in with medical for yourself? Also is therapy available for you? Maybe even 12 step meetings for family members of alcoholics?

Personally, I don't think you need to be there for your SIL. I completely understand feeling like you do. But maybe the best way to be there is to have emergency info handy, maintain the spare room if possible, and otherwise take good care of yourself.

If SIL is giving you the blow by blow on what is happening, all that needs to go instead to domestic violence crisis line.

Your mother may already know or guess what is going on. Why would it be up to you to tell her anything?

You don't have to do it all. Everyone involved are adults, they can get their own help - or not.

Remember you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.