Three years NC with sibling, why is she inviting me to her daughter's wedding?

Started by Blueberry Pancakes, December 10, 2021, 04:59:27 PM

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Blueberry Pancakes

For over three years I have been NC with my GC sister. I have not participated in any family events and have not seen my sister's kids. I did however run into my sister last summer when she and her husband showed up at a restaurant where I was. It was extremely unpleasant as they came over to my table, demanded an explanation for my NC and were even a bit hostile. I asked them to leave and they did not, so I ended up walking out before ordering dinner just to get away from them. 
   
Now my sister has sent me a "save the date" card for daughter's wedding, and today I just received an invitation to the bridal shower. My question is, why?  Why is she inviting me?  I might understand the wedding invite so she appears good to extended family, but a bridal shower is usually for a more intimate crowd. 

I feel assaulted by these invitations and I cannot explain it. It feels intrusive and demanding.  I feel like she is blaring a horn at me with her sense of entitlement to my time and demands that I recognize what she has going on in her life. She sends this to me with no regard for my absence the last three and half years. It is so inappropriate and so wrong to me.       
   
I think these invitations might just be that she gets fueled up by just thinking about how I might respond. She thinks it might annoy me, and the thought of that is thrilling to her. She likely knows I will not attend, so she is in a great situation where she can tell everyone how horrible I am for not attending and all she was trying to was reach out to me. She gets to play the victim. She gets the sympathy. 

Does anyone else know why they do this? I am remaining firmly NC. I just do not know why she will not go away and leave me alone. 

Thank you for reading.

moglow

Did your niece perhaps insist on including (or at least, not excluding) you? It's HER wedding even if mommie dearest is possibly holding the purse strings.
[Southern etiquette cringe: I was raised that mother's of bride or groom should never host gift giving events! A cocktail or engagement party, by all means, but not a shower. Those are better presented by aunts or friends.]
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

bloomie

Blueberry pancakes - was wondering the same thing as Moglow about your niece. She may want to include you? That is the only thing that comes to mind as to how to figure out the why of it.

What I have observed in families with a high entitlement to 'relationship' (thinking about your bil demanding to know why you have distanced yourself while you are sitting in the restaurant as a clue) it is a kind of power struggle or control move to refuse to acknowledge the actual state of a fractured relationship putting all of the discomfort and head spinning onto you.

In my own case it is a sil not a sister, but literally have seen her one time in 6 years, relationship is as cool as can be, yet still received a baby shower invite to an intimate gathering hosted by her, in her home for her granddaughter. Then received a text from her daughter - my niece - telling me no one will be mad if I don't come. (several hours away and gathering indoors in the middle of the pandemic)

In my case, my very best guess was hopes that I would act as chauffeur for my mil who also lives at a distance and posturing for those she has created a narrative of our rejection and hurt of her despite how hard she tries. So, a win for her no matter the motivation.

And I am another one who was has an "etiquette cringe: I was raised that mother's of bride or groom should never host gift giving events! A cocktail or engagement party, by all means, but not a shower. Those are better presented by aunts or friends."

I don't believe these invitations are about us AT ALL. In my own experience these maneuvers are strategic, uncomfortable, and a refusal to honor our choices in relationship with them.
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Blueberry Pancakes

Thank you Mglow and Bloomie. 

My opinion is that niece did not express any interest in my attendance. My sister has not facilitated a close relationship between me and her kids. To her, I was always arriving too late to her kids events, never had quite the "right" birthday gift, or was never showing the desired amount of interest. She frequently would say snarky comments to me in front of her kids. A few years ago my sister had a graduation party for her other child just as I started NC but still invited me. She triangulated our parents and through them they said my sister was going to un-invite me unless I apologized to her. She began telling our parents I was ruining her kid's whole graduation.  They agreed with her and begged me to "make it right". I never did speak to her. I did drop off a gift, and as I did my niece swiftly walked right by me without a glance in my direction. I thought it seemed a deliberate display of a snub. I wondered then if a smear campaign was in the works.  It was crazy making to me, but in NPD-land I think such acts are not unusual. 
 
Thanks for your insight. I also agree with you both about the etiquette of parents not hosting showers. I grew up with the same opinion, but it seems my sister took another view. 

LemonLime

Oh BP, I'm disgusted by your sister.  You ask why they do this.....

I don't know what's going through your sister's head.  My narc-ish sib causes some similar awkward situations, though not as awkward as the one you describe.
She raged at me in front of everyone, then acted like it didn't happen. I remained calm.  She lovebombed me.  I responded to that with a boundary.   She immediately raged at me by email., apparently for not accepting the lovebombing.   She suggested we "talk about it" and when I clarified to her that anything other than an apology was simply manipulation, she raged at me again. 
So then she proceeded to again act like things were well and to ignore the huge chasm between us.   She sends me presents for holidays and my birthday, and for the kids too.
Now instead of meeting up at my parents house with us on holidays she spends a week with them before I arrive, then disappears.   So we haven't seen her in several years.  All the while she presents to the outside world as though things are normal-ish.  She likely tells people that "Lemon-Lime is acting a bit odd, and I'm concerned.  I'll be there for her though when she's ready to share, as I'm a super-loyal sister".   Or something like that.   I believe she side-steps questions about me to some extent but is sure to plant a seed of doubt in people's minds about my sanity.  Her MO has always been to act "concerned" but not angry.
And of course neither she nor my parents tell people about her rages.  That information is strictly keep in the family vault of secrets.  Much to my sib's advantage.

I believe she keeps up the "relationship" so that she doesn't look bad.  So that she can play victim.  So that somehow in her mind and other people's minds she is good and I am bad.   She wants me to act badly toward her, I believe, so that she can justify (maybe even to herself) her terrible behavior toward me.   I do believe she has some cognitive dissonance or guilt-like feelings, so it probably makes her feel better if I'm "mean" to her so that she can play victim, the role she seems born to play.

I admit to not knowing what to do with the gift-giving, so I do it back.   I send her birthday gifts and holiday gifts.  I am not about to allow myself to be cast in the villain role.  I'm not taking that one lying down.   Not sure if this is the right thing to do or not, but for now I'm sticking with it.
It all feels like a power game and a charade.   But I'm the unwilling participant in this game she has invented.   I do not want this drama.  Drama seems to be her lifeblood, and though I'm sure she'd deny it, she creates almost all of it herself.   My guess is that she is totally oblivious to this fact. She really does seem to live in an alternate universe, while appearing to be a pretty normal person.

In short I believe they do these things because it is advantageous to them.   It makes them feel they are winning the game that they're playing.  No matter if you're not playing the game.  It's difficult to tell how much time they spend planning this, or if it's more of an instinct for them.  And I've decided it really doesn't matter.  Our actions will be the same regardless of why the PD does what they do.   We will be calm and will not indulge their drama.

My therapist told me that when a PD pretends that nothing is wrong, and acts as if you have not been estranged for 3 years, it is gaslighting.
That may be why it makes us so upset.  It is a way of making us feel like we are crazy.   There's this huge rift between us, but the actions they are taking imply that there is no rift, like inviting you to niece's wedding/shower.    Gaslighting, of course, is a common PD ploy.  A tool.   And I've learned over the years that is is all about CONTROL for them.  These people have an abnormal need for control.  Such that they tie themselves in knots to gain it, and they make everyone around them miserable.  Every tool they use (projection, gaslighting, triangulation) is meant to gain control (in their sick and twisted definition of control).   Gaining control so that they can feel safe in some way.   :stars:

If you haven't read work by Darlene Lancer, you may want to check out her website.  Along the right side of the page are blog post titles.  These blog posts have helped me immensely in understanding the world of the PD.  And that helps me to not take it so personally and to be able to put some of my questions to bed.

The restaurant story is horrifying.  I'm sorry your sib has harmed you.  You don't deserve that, and you are responding in a mature and reasonable way.
:bighug:


Blueberry Pancakes

Thanks LemonLime. I agree with all that was said. It's a power play and they get to feel like they are winning at a game they create and do not notice that we are not playing along. If there is a problem, She gets it to appear it is only me because she is just fine. (Of course she's fine with me when I take her garbage.)  They get to refuse to acknowledge a fractured relationship and not take ownership. 

     

LemonLime

So well said, Blueberry.  So well said.  Thank you for your words.  It's amazing how therapeutic it is to be "seen" by someone who totally gets it.

goodgirl

I'm just piggybacking onto what everyone else has said--your sister:


  • Needs you to perform a service.
  • Needs to project a happy family image.
  • Is plotting a confrontation that will make her appear the victim.
  • Is determined to regain control over your behavior by using her daughter's wedding
  • Is continually enraged because your boundary puts you out of her reach.

Any or all of the above are likely true. But here's the thing: nothing has actually changed. This is actually just more of the behavior that prompted your NC in the first place. It can be hard after you've kept yourself safe from their attacks for so long to remember that every innocuous or supposedly tentative reaching out is a ploy.

I went through a similar experience this summer, when my NBro started texting me these friendly reminiscences, and even though I knew in my head it was meaningless, damned if I didn't get sucked in. Because it was NICE!  I want to have a brother I can talk to and laugh with about our growing up!  But fast-forward 6 months and he's calling me a "miserable f*ck", "f*cking c*nt," and worse... because I stopped responding to abusive texts. I had actually begun to waver on the idea that we could have some kind of relationship, limited by some strict boundaries. But no. That door is shut forever. I just wish my SIL would walk away, as he's slowly destroying her and it's painful to watch.

Blueberry Pancakes

Thanks, Goodgirl. And wow, those five bullet points do summarize quite well. I continue to be both appalled and comforted by how we all can experience common behaviors from those with PD.  I also think you are correct that nothing has changed and she is showing the same behaviors that drove me to NC. I also agree that when they do reach out, it is with planned innocuous pretense. I think it is a bit creepy how they can seem to never just give up, and instead just hammer away with various attempts. I feel like with each unanswered attempt, it fuels them and their rage toward us builds. - As for your brother, I am so sorry you were on the receiving end of that. I think it is true we have lost a relationship with our sibling, but they also have lost us.   

sandpiper

What the others have all said.
My mother's family did these sorts of things too so none of us grew up with any idea of how to have healthy relationships because all of it is some weird psychological power game of the PD needing to create situations where they look good and where you look bad.
Google the Karpman Drama Triangle, if you haven't heard of it before.
Lemon-Lime - your gift-giving sounds painful but it may be saving you from something worse. Back in the early days when I started T, my therapist advised me to slip quietly into VVLC with mother's family, so quietly that they didn't notice me slipping away. The advice was to choose what I was willing to participate in as if I could manage VLC astutely, I could show up for their 'Look at Me' situations where it's a numbers game and a popularity contest for them and you are just a chess piece on the board of life showing that they are 'winning' at life. The fact that I'd go home after these things and wouldn't see or speak to them until the next 'Showtime' event was immaterial. So I did that for a lot of years because my T's advice was that my preferred option of going NC would kick up a huge ****storm and a never-ending smear campaign, because NC makes them look bad, and NC also provides them with their favourite thing, unresolved conflict that they can blame on someone else. And that T was absolutely right.
I agree with what all the others have said.
Weddings put them in a bind, though, because they are big on image and very low on emotional intelligence. This is where the Karpman drama triangle is useful.
If they don't invite you then they look like the bad guy.
If they do invite you & you decline,  or you accept & then there is drama (they'll make sure of that) then you look like the bad guy.
There will be a follow-up plan to orchestrate a No-Win situation for whatever you do, because they've expressed no interest in resolving any of the conflict.
My T talked about the issue of 'Change/Change back' in which when you change and create a healthier situation, your family will try to undermine that with demands of 'Change back'.
So this is probably one of those things too. In my family there was never a skill set for resolving conflict and the only way it ever worked was for the 'bad' person to bow down and go back to the way things were and let the PD have things their way. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending nothing is wrong is the strategy of choice because it requires no effort on their part to understand what is wrong or to make the effort to grow and change.
Mostly though I think this is a meaningless box-ticking exercise like you see in corporations.
They've invited you, they know you won't come, that box is ticked & they can move on with what they're comfortable with, telling everyone 'We graciously invited her and we have no idea why she didn't come, she's just mean.'
It's awful dealing with this though, when you know that they don't care about you but they find ways to draw you into the game.
I'd been NC with my uBPD sister for several years when her husband killed himself . Her immediate response was to ring all her friends to cast me as the villain...hey presto, she made a bunch of people, including her teenage daughter, ring me up to entreat me to comfort her. That came out of nowhere & somehow I found the presence of mind to say to people 'Has she asked you to call me?' (No) then 'Has she expressed a wish to see me?' (No) Me: 'Then in that case I understand that you care about my sister but I think in this instance you need to respect her wishes. She has made it very clear that I am not welcome in her life and as she hasn't said anything to you or to me that indicates she's changed her mind, I think it would be deeply disrespectful of her boundaries if I were to violate those now.'
Talk about having to think on your feet.
But I knew exactly what that was about because I could trust my gut. It was my sister following a well-worn pattern of behaviour. Ring everyone she knows and set up a no-win situation where she is the victim, the person on the end of the line is the Saviour and I am the Villain of the story. I'd seen her do it to other people and I'd seen Dad do it as well. It's part of the BPD psyche. Karpman Drama Triangle. Other than that there's the narcissism influence from mother's contribution to our family dysfunction. It was her family's MO of having to fill seats to capacity at a show where the NPD wants to look good. Our other sister turned up for the show (sorry, I mean, 'funeral') and I don't think that went well, other than making both of them hate me even more for refusing to play the 'showtime' game.
Take comfort in knowing that they surround themselves with other PDs and enablers and there will be someone in their circle willing to step up when you don't play along with their casting call for Super-Villain. In the scenario of my BIL's funeral, I heard later on that his ex-wife from 20 years earlier turned up to take a front-row seat at the service to support BIL's grieving mother. My sister had been engaged in a crazy game of nastiness with her MIL for years & BIL had stolen a lot of money from his first wife when he traded her in for my sister, so I'm sure plenty of satisfaction was had from that little  one-upmanship revenge tableau. When I heard about that I was so grateful I'd graciously declined that invitation to their drama. No thanks. I don't want to live like that. Yuck.
So, I hope that helps. You're not alone. Having family who are that superficial, and only care about appearances, especially when you're trying to make changes in your own life to unpick the unhealthy behaviours in our own relationships that have arisen from us being pushed out of shape by being in a PD family...it's really hard.
I don't know how I'd have gotten through it all without these boards. I only turn up at odd random intervals now but these boards were a lifeboat for me.
Calmer waters away from that ****storm of drama is a blissful way to live. Keep paddling - and keep your eye on the prize. It's worth it to create a life free of drama.

daughter

1) For appearances sake, big happy family, blah-blah.

2) No gift-giving event to be missed.

If there wasn't a heartfelt note with said "save the date" card, I'd put invite in proverbial "circular-file" (recycling).

Breakthrough

Wow Sandpiper, learning lots by reading your response.  Just this year initiated NC/VOC with my BPD or NPD sis, it was too much when she was interfering with me doing my job that takes care of my family (and I am the sole breadwinner and the job is intense).

I think there are lots of great responses as to why, the seat filling, need to save face and make things appear normal, and the sense of obligation are the biggest ones to me.  I also think the wishes of a niece or nephew are a consideration.  My nephews I think would want me to attend their weddings, though that's a long ways off for them.  It sounds like in your case Blueberry Pancakes, it's not the case.  Honestly in my family keeping the peace is strong, my mom and dad really don't like the NC and try to break that.  I really don't like the, doing that, so I am LC with my parents too. 

One thing I have realized is that boundaries are in our minds as well.  Not letting their actions disturb my peace is a boundary I am working on.  Ultimately do not let these invitations disrupt your peace of mind, make a decision to attend or not attend based on what is best for you, and do what you feel best with.  For me, I would probably attend the wedding, it would create less drama (and I think my nieces and nephews would be hurt if I didn't attend), I live far from my siblings so I would probably not attend a shower.  In your situation, I think I would make a quick appearance at the wedding but not attend the shower, however if you'd prefer not to attend, do that.  Like you could attend the ceremony but not the reception.  I think the quick appearance would cause less drama, but if it isn't what you want to do, I would hold fast to the boundaries you set, the ones you need to keep your peace.

Blueberry Pancakes

Thank you Sandpiper, Daughter and Breakthrough.  You all have such great insights. It feels like someone actually hears me.   
   
Yes, I am pretty sure my niece did not request my attendance since I have not seen or heard from her in 3 and a half years, and the last time I saw her she brushed by in front of me without a glance in my direction. Also at that occasion, her mother/my sister was claiming I had ruined it because I had not been speaking to her, said she wanted to un-invite me, and was demanding I apologize to her. All this was conveyed through our parents who supported her. Not quite the stuff that promotes cozy get-togethers.   :stars:

sandpiper

Hi BP, and hugs.
It really is a weird mindset to just disregard any serious family fall-outs and to expect that to be swept under the rug for Display Home purposes.
It really does feel like they've set up a No-Win situation because whatever your response is, it's going to be something they can use against you.
If you have a history of having a better relationship with your niece then my advice would be to try to salvage what you can from the situation but if she has a history of behaving badly & she seems set to follow in her mother's footsteps then I wouldn't bother.
I went through absolute agonies with T and these groups about how to deal with my sisters' children. In the end none of it made any difference, they've all accepted that the family dysfunction is the way that they are going to travel through life, without any attempt to overcome it. They just drink heavily, behave like their parents and then wonder why their lives fall apart. Not all of us are going to do the work to recover from growing up inside a PD family. Some of the best advice that I've had from a T & from these groups is simply to live my life in the way that I would if all of them were healthy & functional, and part of that is by dealing with these situations in a way that is honest, you retain your boundaries, and you act with integrity and compassion.
So there's the option of 'bin it', or you might want to think about how you could respond in a way that might leave an opening for your niece to approach you if/when the occasion arises where the wheels fall off and one day she might need an understanding ear.
I have not been invited to any weddings of my sister's children, they're all content to have me as the family scapegoat and it's uncomfortable to be around me because I won't buy into the lies & the gaslighting. Substance addiction? Nup. Nothing to see around here. And aside from that, some of the children are heavily invested in maintaining parental approval because there's a substantial financial incentive to drink the koolaid. So I haven't been in your situation. But I have wondered what I'd do if I was invited along.
I think I'd politely decline, (no need to JADE - justify/argue/defend/explain), offer a gift and a card with sincere well wishes, and do the thing that AA advises of 'Detach With Love'. I.e. just offer up a heartfelt wish that perhaps one day niece will see the light & if so, she might develop some awareness of & empathy for what you're going through.
At the end of the day, however I deal with the issues around my FOO, or DH's, I have to protect myself, but I also have to get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and like the person that I see.
I don't think it's about 'being the bigger person' because I think in a way, that buys into the narcissist narrative about one-upmanship and superiority.
For me it's just about the kind of person that I want to be, and one of the goals that I set for myself in T was that I don't want my disordered FOO to push me out of shape so much that I start thinking and behaving like one of them.
So for me it's just 'Sorry, I am unable to attend. I hope you have a beautiful day & I wish you & X every happiness.' Gift attached. And make it a voucher for a department store so that you don't get blamed for a bad gift.
I don't know what your sister is like, but mine found a way of ensuring that even if I gave her children the gifts she'd expressly asked for, somehow it was all wrong and I'd ruined the day. I don't know how many times my sister demanded that I returned to a store to demand an exchange after her kids had trashed something within the first five minutes but that taught me that gifts were simply another tool of manipulation.
The other thing that my sister loved to do was to with-hold gifts and persuade her children that me & my other sister were terrible human beings who hadn't sent gifts that year. En-sis got suckered by the 'lost mail' story every time. The last batch of gifts that I sent had to be signed for & my sister waited the entire 2 weeks before things get returned, then stormed into the local post office, signed for the parcel, then made her 11yro daughter stand there while she did return-to-sender with a nasty note attached.
My BPDsis has a lot of anti-social PD behaviours that she picked up from her husband & which are no doubt a part of their drug use. (Soccer Mum type stuff.  Not homeless under a bridge)
So yeah. Just have a think about what you need to do for your own psychological well-being.
There's a fine art to dealing with PD relatives in a way that you don't get sucked into their Karpman-drama triangulation efforts.
I hope that helps xxx