holiday ambivalence, hope and grief, nearly 5 years NC

[change00000]

After going NC with my deeply enmeshed and increasingly unstable, engulfing Nparents, I recovered in leap and bounds and built a point-of-view that was finally my own. To protect my cousins etc from being recruited by parents (but also to protect myself from being disappointed, I must admit) I also stopped contact with all extended family. I luckily have a rock-solid supportive partner and a small network of amazing friends. Waves of relentless hope and grief come and go, but I generally ride it out.

After recently visiting a friend and their big family, I found myself yearning for familiar family contact. I still wish I had parents I could enjoy the company of, that would treat me with respect and dignity. And I'm not sure what to say if one of my most-missed family members asks "but why won't you talk to them... they're your parents?" because I still harbor guilt about whether the emotional abuse was 'enough.'

It's also hard to admit, but for all my parents' toxicity, they are incredibly charismatic and I long for their messed-up personality in my life because it's colorful and unique, even though I know it comes at a price of soul-eating. I still know I'm not built like them and that regular contact with them won't work.

Are there any other only children with no family connections out there that are familiar with this type of loneliness?
Or anyone that struggles with this cycle of hope/grief/guilt after being NC with an engulfing-type N parent?
If you ended up (re)establishing VLC with PD/other nonPD family members, how did you let go of the guilt and find the courage?
I know this is a lot!  Thanks for reading, you all are amazing and I found this forum so helpful years ago.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm not in the same position but wanted to acknowledge your post and comment.   

The part where you mention that you long for their messed up personality because it's colorful and unique, I've had a bit of that. My extended family was like this too. Unique, colorful and never boring. There was always a drama and mild conflict and it kept life interesting in an odd way. When my mother began dumping all these people from her life and my life too, I missed what I was used to. My mother was the biggest part of the conflict with these people so when she discarded them and there wasn't anyone to fight with, she started discarding people far and wide. As a kid, I didn't have a choice in family who stopped talking to us. I lost them because of her.

Now I've decided that neighbors, friends and my FOC are all I need. I have relationships with people who don't cause stress and drama. My body doesn't like stress anymore and I developed an autoimmune disease from the years of heightened anxiety. It's much easier to stick with happy, calm and nice people now.

I hope others have experience with the questions you asked and offer their opinions. 

[bee well]

Hi change0000,

Good on you for standing up for yourself. That takes a lot of courage! It's great to hear you have made so much progress!

My situation isn't like yours but similar (as a result of NC I no longer communicate with one whole side of family.)

I can totally relate with both you and Sunny Meadow though.

Like Sunny Meadow one of the main reasons I went and continue to stay in NC is because of my health, it eventually caught up and I had to do something. It was sink or swim so to speak. I am much better now and enjoying the freedom. (I was so mired in my situation before I didn't even realize how constricted I was.)

Initially there was lots of issues with guilt and grief. Now it's mostly grief but I figure I have some catching up to do in that department. It can be sad at times but I look at it as positive that the grief comes out. When I was tangled up with uN FOO, grieving was something you only did at funerals.  Whatever the event, small or big, death or otherwise, we were expected to "suck it up and get on with it."

About the abuse, I don't know of one gauge to measure when it is "enough." (Although as we know there's no shortage of material written about it, if we need a reminder). Any amount of abuse is too much!

No form of abuse is ever acceptable, whether or not it causes visible scars. It is our right to step away from any one who is abusing us.

That's totally natural to miss your family at times, especially around the holidays. Sometimes no contact can feel really still and silent when we were used to the "action" (in my case drama too) that many of our FOO brought into our lives.  When it gets like that for me I try to  think of something new I want to learn, or spend more time in places where I feel peaceful and safe. Breathing helps a lot too.

Obviously you will decide what is best for you based on the history, you are the only one who is qualified to do that.

I would suggest spending some time alone, when you are in a neutral state of mind, to think deeply about why you made the decision in the first place, and you might wait 'til the feeling of missing them passes some. Reminding yourself of all the progress you have made could help to put things in perspective.

I mean, how are you doing now? Do you think things would be better if you hadn't gone NC, or if you decided to break it?

As far as the people in your family who you want to keep in your life, in my point of view you do not need to explain anything to them. If they ask about your situation  you could say "I made the decision that was best for me." If they continue to ask you could say "I prefer not to talk about it...or X..." It might feel strange but in my experience people who know our good character, and respect our privacy, generally accept our decisions without pressing us. If people don't understand why we don't want to talk about it we still have the right to stand firm and guard our privacy.

For me one of the most difficult things I have been learning since NC is to protect my boundaries and to not think about whether or not someone will like my boundary or not. If they don't like boundaries though, that is a red flag for me.
It's getting easier, fortunately!

That's my 2 cents. I hope it helps some.

All best to you as you navigate this d elicate  situation.

[daughter]

Reentering our NPD-parents lives often causes "Ground Hog Day" effect, the near-immediate resumptions of their dysfunctional mannerisms and inappropriate behaviors despite our own best intentions. Sometimes, we can reengage, monitoring our boundaries, and craft a low-expectation semblance of "relationship". It may seem okay for awhile, but slowly those boundaries get eroded, the Grey Rock fails to block our discomfort, and we're back to square-one. For me, "Honeymoon" lasted only briefly, and then it was gritted-teeth time. Plus, malevolent NBM never forgave me for my brief 4-month NC, so became more expressedly disdainful and disrespectful.  I soldiered on for another decade, which I now realize was futile effort on my part, to decide NC was only viable option.

NBM had already estranged us, my FOO family, from our other relatives on both sides. So my NC meant estrangement from my parents and my one sibling, GC princess nsis, NBM's "mini-me", and her family. I don't miss them. Not one bit, because they treated me/us (DH + kids) with such disdain that it didn't constitute "family" anyways.

Much happier without constant reminders how I was failing their expectations and demands even while I was 100% super-duper dutiful daughter overachiever extraordinaire.  It's important to remember that we are responsible for guarding our own emotional well-being, and for treating ourselves with kindness and respect when our parents are unable, or unwilling to do so. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is remove ourselves from the hurtful person's contact, so that the opportunity for them to cause more hurt is curtailed, and we go on to build new meaningful relationships with a small circle of genuine friends. Best wishes to you.

[change00000]

Thank you so much for this feedback. I'm doing a bit better.

That's totally natural to miss your family at times, especially around the holidays. Sometimes no contact can feel really still and silent when we were used to the "action" (in my case drama too) that many of our FOO brought into our lives.  When it gets like that for me I try to  think of something new I want to learn, or spend more time in places where I feel peaceful and safe. Breathing helps a lot too.

Obviously you will decide what is best for you based on the history, you are the only one who is qualified to do that.

I would suggest spending some time alone, when you are in a neutral state of mind, to think deeply about why you made the decision in the first place, and you might wait 'til the feeling of missing them passes some. Reminding yourself of all the progress you have made could help to put things in perspective.

Hi bee well,
You're right. No abuse is worth putting up with- the guilt is a powerful feeling, though, mainly as it concerns my mother, who is exceptionally skilled in the art of guilt. I miss her, AND I can't be exposed to her for the sake of my overall well-being.
I like your suggestion of discharging that 'missing action' energy into something constructive. Maybe that's a good signal for me to get up and resume a creative project.

I revisited a list I made before going NC of my reasons (which are meant just for me, not for JADEing). In terms of progress, I went from crying every day 5 years ago working on boundaries and the wild dynamics of the relationships to channeling my energy toward further education, new hopes. This alone says so much about how small they wanted my life to be (very), compared to how much I've grown and expanded without their presiding.


daughter,
Isn't it amazing the open disdain people can deploy so thoughtlessly, automatically? Thank you for the reminder that we're our own guardians.


SunnyMeadow,
Cheers to less stress activation and being around solid friends!

[bee well]

Hi Change 00000,

It takes a lot of clarity to realize that we can miss someone and at the same time determine a need to distance from them for our own well being.

It's awesome that you are focussing on furthering your education. Your efforts to understand, and boundary work is really paying off ! It feels really good to preside over your self, doesn't it?

As the year comes to  end its a very good time to focus on how far we've come from then to now, and the new hopes that have emerged, as you have been doing.  I think it's okay to let our self be proud of our progress too. (Sometimes pride is only seen mainly  in a negative narcissistic light but we can remember to celebrate ourselves and recognize others as well.)

[Boat Babe]

Thank you so much for this feedback. I'm doing a bit better.

That's totally natural to miss your family at times, especially around the holidays. Sometimes no contact can feel really still and silent when we were used to the "action" (in my case drama too) that many of our FOO brought into our lives.  When it gets like that for me I try to  think of something new I want to learn, or spend more time in places where I feel peaceful and safe. Breathing helps a lot too.

Obviously you will decide what is best for you based on the history, you are the only one who is qualified to do that.

I would suggest spending some time alone, when you are in a neutral state of mind, to think deeply about why you made the decision in the first place, and you might wait 'til the feeling of missing them passes some. Reminding yourself of all the progress you have made could help to put things in perspective.

Hi bee well,
You're right. No abuse is worth putting up with- the guilt is a powerful feeling, though, mainly as it concerns my mother, who is exceptionally skilled in the art of guilt. I miss her, AND I can't be exposed to her for the sake of my overall well-being.
I like your suggestion of discharging that 'missing action' energy into something constructive. Maybe that's a good signal for me to get up and resume a creative project.

I revisited a list I made before going NC of my reasons (which are meant just for me, not for JADEing). In terms of progress, I went from crying every day 5 years ago working on boundaries and the wild dynamics of the relationships to channeling my energy toward further education, new hopes. This alone says so much about how small they wanted my life to be (very), compared to how much I've grown and expanded without their presiding.


daughter,
Isn't it amazing the open disdain people can deploy so thoughtlessly, automatically? Thank you for the reminder that we're our own guardians.


SunnyMeadow,
Cheers to less stress activation and being around solid friends!

What you say about them being very charismatic and unique really clashes with them wanting you to be small, quiet, insignificant. That's twisted. It suggests to me that it's all a bit of an act. PDs can be notoriously charismatic. It may be you're only missing smoke and mirrors. It still hurts though but seeing them really, really clearly helps enormously.

Hugs