Going NC with my uBPD sister and my uPD dad is taking her side

[Breakthrough]

So, I am not actually certain if my dad has a PD, but he has always been difficult IMO, and I think splits (he labelled us bad and good kids when we were growing up, I was labelled bad, for reference, I am in a competitive profession, the one my parents would have chosen for me, and never even tasted alcohol, went to parties, dated, never tried drugs or smoking, was a straight A student, played 2 instruments well, was involved in lots of volunteer projects through school, I was a goody two shoes).  I think I was labelled this by him because I questioned things and had a strong sense of fairness.  He was not a fair person when it came to me.  My oldest sister who has the PD had the worst of it, she was actually beaten and has scars.  I think this is why she has a PD.  We are now in our 40s.  My parents now make excuses for her and expect me to continue to take abuse from her (she was abusive to me growing up, physically and emotionally, she is 5 years older, my parents never stopped her or intervened, ever).  In finally setting boundaries with my sister I have gone NC, for my own sanity. We don't live close to each other but she would txt my phone 46 times while I was at work, after asking her politely to stop conversation about something she disagreed with me about (a parenting decision I had made).  She would txt non stop nasty messages while I was working.  Turning my alerts off didn't help, I could still see them pop up on my screen demoralizing me as I tried to work, So I blocked her.  I had to do this twice.  The first time, I unblocked her after several months.  This time, it's been almost a year, and I am fine with it.  My dad and mom are not, I don't know why, but then brought it up in front of my kids.  I told my mom if she wanted me to have contact with my sister then she should have put a stop to my sister's abusive behaviour when I was a child, and she had the power to do it then.  She didn't so now she had to be understanding of my need for boundaries because the abuse was ongoing.  Recently, my sister tried to get me to txt directly with her again, by getting angry with my other sister and mom for simply passing on a gift wish list for my kids.  I don't expect her to get them anything but she decided she wanted to since I still send her kids gifts and will continue to.  So I sent her the list through my mom and siblings. The response was to contact her directly.  I then realized this was a manipulation to get me to contact her again.  So I wrote our family txt and told them no, not unless she apologizes for her bad behaviour and agrees to never do it again, which I know she won't.  My dad wrote back after 2 weeks, Breakthrough doesn't deserve an apology.  I texted back he is entitled to his opinion and I am to mine.  I told him to pls not bring up family disagreements in front of my kids again, unlike him and mom, I don't want them to feel they are involved or in the middle.  I probably shouldn't have added that last part, but as it was I was restraining myself.  My dad is still cruel to me.  He also has hit me hard, as a teen and adult because he was angry with me.  He has always been emotionally abusive.  He still is, and he has become very grumpy and mean the last few years according to my mom.  She worries it's early onset dementia.  I don't trust him with my kids alone, and he had already begun to pick favourites among  my kids, I pulled him aside and told him that was not ok, and never to do that in front of my kids.  He at least respected that.  I honestly only would have contact with my mom if possible.  I did call to check on my dad after his brother died (overseas) earlier this year.  He appreciated my concern.  We had a good talk.  My mom also doesn't understand txt.  She started up an old family thread that has me and my blocked sister on it, I told her my sister can't see my txts and Incan't see hers.  She still insists on using that txt chain so I just left it.  I don't want to disturb my mom's peace, she has heart issues and stress and lack of sleep aggravate them.  I also just need boundaries with my toxic family.  I barely talk to my other siblings anymore except to ask for birthday lists for their kids.  Our relationship is not toxic in itself, but inevitably there is some triangulation to my other toxic sis and it's triggering for me because I feel my family always expect me to be the bigger person and just forget and forgive.  I just can't do it anymore, I would rather not have a toxic destructive person in my life and I feel like my family should respect that decision, but apparently that's asking too much? 

I just needed to get this out somewhere.  My husband is kind but not really in touch with his emotions, and I originally found this site when dealing with his uNPD mom.  I am VLC with her, the only interaction now is when I have to see her in person, my husband wants a relationship.  The pandemic was good for that at least, I didn't have the stress of having to deal with her.  We invited his family for Christmas this year, it will be good to see them, and we can't have Christmas with my family, can't travel across the border easily, so we just don't anymore .  Plus, it makes the NC with my sister easier since she insists having Christmas at her house every year, and we are the ones who pay for groceries.  I have always had an issue with that since my BIL is the one who insists on this and he gets free babysitting from my family all the time (after us paying for expensive tickets to go see them too, and they worked the whole time rather than taking time off to spend with us).  I think he makes my sister a worse version of herself.  BPD and all, she used to be very generous,  he makes her stingy and it was her generosity that was one of her best and redeeming qualities.  He also gets involved in harassing me at times too when my sister is angry at me and has called me.  I have contemplated blocking him on my phone as well, but it only happened twice.  I used to worry about blocking my sister because my parents live with her much of the time, and if there was an emergency I would miss it. My mom had an emergency and my other sisters got a hold of me so it worked out fine.  She is fine now as well thankfully. 

Thanks to anyone who read this novel.  In all honesty, if my parents ever separated, I would just stop talking to my dad, but that won't happen so I am forced to have contact because I want to maintain contact with my mom.  I would appreciate any insights or advice.  Right now I am carefully curating my friend base, I have been burned in the past by picking friends that are like the jellyfish in the Bridget Jones novels, but I think I have a kind group of friends now.  I struggle at times, thinking is it just me?  But it took me a long time to finally say enough is enough with all of this.  If anyone has words of encouragement or advice I would appreciate it.  I hate feeling like the rest of my family holds me responsible for this family rift, but they do.   It's frustrating, and hurtful, but easier to just remove myself from my family so it puts no one in the middle.  They would choose my sister anyways because of proximity and because my parents live with her.  They always have and I just have to learn to be ok with that.  It hurts, but it is what it is.  They will never admit they are choosing her, but it is a chose, whether by default of it being geographically easier or not, it still stings sometimes.  My uBPD sister was always good about making me feel isolated and alone.  Now I might have to do that from my FOO in order to maintain being a functional working mother for my kids.  I am the only breadwinner and am already having physical issues that are made worse by my job, I need to maintain my mental health so I can continue.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh Breakthrough, what a strong and considerate person you are! I am so glad to read that you decided that you need to take care of yourself too. In fact, you have to look after yourself first and it seems that you are at a point where you are aware of that.
You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. And to remove people from your life who cannot do that. Even when they are your own father or sister. Blocking them is an act of self protection. You did the right thing.
If you feel that you want to work on yourself some more - maybe you could look into the issue of co-dependency and get some support to strengthen your boundaries even more.

[Breakthrough]

Thank you.  I definitely need to understand codependency better, I am sure I have a tendency towards that and I want to be a good example to my kids so they develop healthy relationships.  Honestly being a parent has really pushed me to become a better communicator and to be better with boundaries.  I am learning to say no, and it's a relief many times.  My husband and I have a lot to work on too, but I would say our relationship is mostly quite healthy.  I am in counselling, but it's quite sporadic, my counsellor is very in demand.  It has helped, but I do need homework, thanks for giving me some .