I love you I love you I love you 100000x a day ?

VivAcrossThePond · December 13, 2021, 11:01:11 AM

I know we are supposed to feel loved by our partners and to tell those that we love how we feel. But...

Does anyone else have a BPD partner who says "I love you" (With obvious expectations to hear it back) 100000 times day!

Don't even get me started on how much they want to text and expect an answer back right away.

It is exhausting and feels like anything but love.

losingmyself · December 13, 2021, 02:38:02 PM

Hi Viv
Yes, exactly that. I feel that the words are 'hoovers' to keep us confused. We think "He said I'm stupid, but then said he loved me. So, maybe that means I'm stupid? If both things are true?"
In my case, the demand that I answer texts immediately confirms his control. Also, if I don't answer, then I must be having an affair. I have, purposely, held off on texting back right away. Seems like they get used to something and then expect it, such as our willingness to drop what we're doing and text them back right away. So, I make him wait a little. Maybe he'll get used to it.
I cannot feel anything besides distrust whenever he tells me how much he 'loves' me. I don't believe he knows the meaning of the word.
But that's just me.........

VivAcrossThePond · December 14, 2021, 02:50:29 AM

Hi losingmyself,

I am sorry you are dealing with the same thing. It DOES feel like hoovering to me as well. When it is said so many times a day, it feels like control.

I have tried not texting back immediately as well. I think it just triggers abandonment issues, which are not my issue to deal with! It all feels too much.

If he is accusing you of having an affair if you are not immediately texting back, that is also on HIM to work through those feelings of insecurity.

Thanks for writing

escapingman · December 14, 2021, 03:23:27 AM

I am sorry you are going through this.

I am having a similar situation with my stbx who I have told I want to divorce. She tells me she loves me every time she talks to me, and then show he complete disappointment when I don't say it back. She comes and tries to hug and kiss me and every time I push her away she calls me mean, goes away crying and telling the kids I am mean. This is so exhausting, I don't know how to stop it other than physically removing one of us from the house.

tragedy or hope · December 14, 2021, 08:13:06 AM

"Love" bombing literally.

My unpdh would do something small, pick something up I dropped... when I said thank you his line was it's because i love you. Got me coffee...because i love you. Thank you for taking out the trash... because I love you so much... on and on. Daily, throughout the day. Yes, I did feel it was a kind of control. In their minds perhaps it's a form of repentance for their wrongdoing to us. It's all about tjem either way. It is to satisfy something for them, IMO it is not really for us.

Any and all good things were accompanied with "because I love you so much." I got numb to it. I could not figure out what it was supposed to do for me or get me to do. I just began to think it strange and part of manipulation. I actually felt he was trying to convince himself he felt love toward me. He wanted to FEEL something I guess.

notrightinthehead · December 14, 2021, 08:49:14 AM

If you feel it's too much, then it is too much. If he really loves you and respects you, he will back off and give you some space when you tell him it's too much. If he blows up on you or punishes you with silence, he does not respect you and his love is controlling and self serving. If you feel you are walking on eggshells and cannot afford to not answer immediately because of the drama that will ensue - you might be in the fog and I strongly recommend reading the Toolbox!

losingmyself · December 14, 2021, 03:18:26 PM

Today he text during breaktime.
"Breaktime"
"ok'
"yup"
This was all within one minute. One. Minute.
I enjoyed waiting another minute or two to reply

1footouttadefog · December 15, 2021, 11:31:57 AM

It's narcissism. It's away to make sure you are paying attention to them at all times. It's brains space invasion.

They do it to interrupt any thoughts or entertainment or attention to anything besides them.

Lou1989 · December 16, 2021, 01:11:08 AM

I definitely can relate
What's tough for me is having the question "Do you love me?" Proposed over and over or the fraise "I don't think you love me right now" or "I'm not feeling very loved right now" thrown at me. It makes me feel like I'm never doing enough. These questions or prompts will usually be used if I've disagreed with something they've said or complete other end of the spectrum, when I'm snuggling them and already showing them my love. I understand how the repetitiveness can become tiresome. My pwbpd will also say I love you when I'm clearly frustrated or trying to remove myself from a situation or conversation in an attempt to force me to engage with them. Because the moment I don't say it back I obviously don't love them. It feels weaponized and unfair. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that and stay strong

notrightinthehead · December 16, 2021, 04:30:32 PM

The medium chill answer to ..."I don't think you love me right now"...or ..."I'm not feeling very loved right now" ... is: " I am sorry you feel that way. My feelings for you have not changed." and leave it like that. You are not responsible how another person feels. Neither can you control how another person feels.