If you were the GC, how did you figure it out?

[JustKathy]

I know there are some people in this forum who were GCs and I'd really like to hear your stories. How/when did you figure out that you were the GC and that your parent(s) had a PD? Did you also figure out that one of your siblings was a scapegoat?

I'm asking because I wonder about my brother, who was once the GC but lost that position after he married a woman my Nmother hated. He was disinherited at the same time I was with my sister being elevated to GC and becoming sole heir. My brother has since vanished off the radar, apparently leaving the city he grew up to live in isolation in a very rural area. He also has no online presence at all. I'll probably never talk to him again and will never know what's going on with him. I do wonder if he may have figured things out when he was removed as GC.

Perhaps the GCs in this forum can give me some insight into what your experience was.

[Hilltop]

Justkathy, this is a really interesting topic.  I was the scapegoat so I am not sure what my sister thinks as the GC.  However my husband is the GC in his family, his brother is the scapegoat.  BIL is disinherited also.  My husband has not acknowledged he is the GC, he cannot see it.

How do you feel about having no contact with your brother?  How do you feel about possibly never knowing what happens in his life?

[Peace Lily]

Hi JustKathy, I was the GC growing up and was disinherited by my NMum at aged 30 in a major family drama. She did not speak to me (ghosted me) for 7 painful years. Still I did not realise I was ever a GC, although did realise my sister was unfairly treated. I gradually resumed contact once my mother decided to permit it. Following more horrific family drama, this time in my SG sister's family I began my journey Out of the FOG, acknowledging my family must be dysfunctional. It took several more years for me to realise my own role in this when my mother turned on me again. I began browsing info about dysfunctional families to find out how to handle "mine", only to discover I had a role in it. It was very hard to acknowledge as I had always thought of myself as a good person, helping, trying to resolve the conflicts and bring people together. I found out that I was not helping but avoiding my own pain and taking a superior position over others by dishing out unwanted advice to SG sister. My helping only enabled others to not take responsibility. I found this website and went to counselling. I am working on being a better person. My family has not changed - of course!

Your brother may have been shocked into a journey of self discovery. ( I might have come Out of the FOG earlier  if the internet had existed when I was disinherited). He may have decided to go NC with his whole family as he has leant you cannot cure it or control it. Alternatively, he could still be in denial and have adopted the victim position on the drama triangle. If you don't know about the triangle, it's worth a look up on the internet. It is les obvious when you are a GC that you have issues as, on the surface you life looks great and your pain is well hidden from the world, and most importantly, from yourself. I think that you need to become the victim to be blasted out of the sleep walking! There is hope this is what has happened to your brother.

[Liketheducks]

Hi JustKathy,
Former GC here.   I think I knew I was the GC, eldest, only daughter.    I didn't get it until mom had no more distinct villains in her life and turned me into one.   I put up a boundary, and she cut me off, telling everyone that I had cut her off.   Good times.   
Similarly, I went NC or VLC with everyone...:because the flying monkeys went into attack mode on her behalf.  That being said, I've also been open to safe, different, communication with all of my FOO.   I imagine your brother might welcome the same.   It is a very lonely place to be, but certainly better than being in the thick of the drama.

[JustKathy]

Thank you so much for all of the helpful replies. It's really given me a lot to think about.

I had never considered that my brother may have chosen to go NC with what's left of the family, but that's a real possibility as he must have been hurt badly by the disinheritance. I saw it coming, but he was blindsided by it.

My brother is ten years younger than me. He was only eight when I left home, so we never had much of a relationship. As adults, we only saw each other at the family Christmas gathering where we would talk more like distant cousins. Things took a bad turn for him when he got married. Like my enFather, he appears to have become an enabling spouse to a controlling wife. My SIL is diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. She's manipulative, loud, and often physically aggressive. She's the reason my brother was disinherited and he was told as much. I do think his decision to move to a rural town was done to please his wife. She was forced out of the workplace due to her aggressive behavior and became an animal hoarder. She was trying to keep goats, chickens, and other livestock in the city, so my guess is that he bought a farm so she could have her animals while he stays in the house and works a job that allows him to telecommute.

My father died a few months back and there's been a lot of drama with my now GC narc sister. Both my sister and SIL have teamed up against me and are smearing me all over social media, but my brother has become invisible. He probably despises my sister but I have no idea how he might feel about me. His wife got sucked into the smear campaign, but he might not have.

At some point, I may try to find his new address and send him a letter just telling him what happened and that I still love him. Unlike my parents and sister, he's never said anything cruel to me or done anything to hurt me. He always detached himself from the drama at the holiday gatherings so I think he'd at least read my letter. I doubt he'd ever try to reconnect, though.