Neediness

[11JB68]

Uocpdh is so needy.
I wfh today as I went with him to a Dr appt in the afternoon. Then had to go to my work holiday party. Said I expect to get home around 9.
H: call if you're going to be later
Me, at 8:39... Call home to say service is slow, will be later.
H: (sadly) oh, huh. Well can you speed it up?
(How the heck would I do that??)
So I was the first person to get up to leave, didn't stay for dessert...
This after I was literally with him all. Day.

[square]

Argh!!

I wish I could whisper in his ear, "Tell her to take her time and have FUN!"

[11JB68]

Square, right??
And he doesn't like going out much and is cheap. You'd think he'd appreciate that I was getting an expensive night out that he neither had to attend nor pay for!
Also he would get mad if I didn't call.... But this is why I don't like to call and sometimes avoid it .. The inevitable guilt trip

[SonofThunder]

11JB68,

Im sorry that situation is frustrating.  I experienced similar things repetitively and now attribute my uPDw's actions/reactions to be a part of PD control, paranoia and baited drama opportunities.  Therefore, as a boundary on myself, I now do not state a time I will be home from a particular event or any solo outings, but rather i silently choose for myself what is too late for me to arrive home, based on my own needs (work the next day for example) and tell my wife i will see her after the event is over (not state a time).  If she asks for my timing info in advance, i will simply tell her the truth of what i know, which can be:

-there is no defined ending time, and I will be heading home when events/errands are over, im tired of the event, or its too late for my own needs. 

-there is an estimated ending event time, but as she experiences with certain types of events, sometimes they carry over, so i will be home when its over, im tired of the event, or its too late for my own needs. 

-there is a defined ending time. 

My wife displays a bit of PPD, so in her mind, if I set a specific time and it carries over, then something lewd is occurring, which is PD paranoia which drives her desires for control.  Yet, when its reversed and my wife is away, my wife will sometimes state a time to me and then not arrive home until MUCH later than she predicted.  I dont ask questions but state in indifference, that i hope she had a great time, but know she would not do the same. 

The comparative control, manipulation and hypocrisy of these events and my now PD understanding is why i will not caretake her control and paranoia any longer.  Attempting to accuse me of being 'late' is easily MC shut-down because i never set a hard time. 

I also dont acknowledge her manipulation and control when she arrives home well after any time she may have stated, as any comment on my part is a situationally baited JADE she is desiring and it feeds her need to control and manipulate. 

I hope future events for you can be less frustrating.

SoT

[escapingman]

I completely agree with you SoT, to give any specifics will only give them the opportunity to hold us ransom to whatever we have said. For example, if I have been away on a worktrip and told my uNPDw what time the plane lands, despite it always takes a minimum of 20 minutes from the time the plane lands until I am out of the airport she will stand in the no parking zone expecting me to get into the car the same time the plane touch the ground. After this pattern repeating itself and it was always my fault that the plane taxing, the de boarding, going through passport control and then exit the airport always took a minimum of 20 minutes, often much longer, I stopped telling her what time and even which plane and airline I was flying with. If I fancied a lift I called her from the airport so I was there first, but even this ended badly as she said she got stressed having to go to the airport to pick me up knowing I was waiting for her. Now I always either take a taxi (she complains about the cost) or travel home by public transport (which takes a long time but gives me the time to prepare for seeing her). 

11JB68, I feel for you. That used to be me until I stopped caring about what STBX said or thought. Next time, try to stay as long as you want.

[losingmyself]

You lost me with going to a holiday party alone. That would never be an option in my household.
Should have been a huge red flag when we dated, if I did something with my Mom or sisters, he'd go crazy and text and call constantly. I went to my niece's wedding and I spent most of the reception on the phone with him. H was so jealous!!! I was with my family!!

[square]

I get the idea, and I could be wrong, that JB's husband is primarily upset about being left alone for the evening, lonely and bored,, and having to take care of his own needs as JB is not just a shout away to fetch him this or that.

[Boat Babe]

11JB68,

Im sorry that situation is frustrating.  I experienced similar things repetitively and now attribute my uPDw's actions/reactions to be a part of PD control, paranoia and baited drama opportunities.  Therefore, as a boundary on myself, I now do not state a time I will be home from a particular event or any solo outings, but rather i silently choose for myself what is too late for me to arrive home, based on my own needs (work the next day for example) and tell my wife i will see her after the event is over (not state a time).  If she asks for my timing info in advance, i will simply tell her the truth of what i know, which can be:

-there is no defined ending time, and I will be heading home when events/errands are over, im tired of the event, or its too late for my own needs. 

-there is an estimated ending event time, but as she experiences with certain types of events, sometimes they carry over, so i will be home when its over, im tired of the event, or its too late for my own needs. 

-there is a defined ending time. 

My wife displays a bit of PPD, so in her mind, if I set a specific time and it carries over, then something lewd is occurring, which is PD paranoia which drives her desires for control.  Yet, when its reversed and my wife is away, my wife will sometimes state a time to me and then not arrive home until MUCH later than she predicted.  I dont ask questions but state in indifference, that i hope she had a great time, but know she would not do the same. 

The comparative control, manipulation and hypocrisy of these events and my now PD understanding is why i will not caretake her control and paranoia any longer.  Attempting to accuse me of being 'late' is easily MC shut-down because i never set a hard time. 

I also dont acknowledge her manipulation and control when she arrives home well after any time she may have stated, as any comment on my part is a situationally baited JADE she is desiring and it feeds her need to control and manipulate. 

I hope future events for you can be less frustrating.

SoT

How long did it take you to get to this grey rock ninja level? Seriously impressed.

[11JB68]

Square, you got it!!
But also add in all of the pd stuff too...
Jealousy (over nothing)
Paranoia (something might happen to me)
Mistrust (did I drink, did I flirt with someone)
Etc etc

[square]

Oh, and the feeling of rejection (do you not love me since you preferred to spend your evening elsewhere?).

[SonofThunder]

Square, you got it!!
But also add in all of the pd stuff too...
Jealousy (over nothing)
Paranoia (something might happen to me)
Mistrust (did I drink, did I flirt with someone)
Etc etc

11JB68 and Square,

Thank you for correcting my understanding of the situation.  Jealousy, mistrust and paranoia are my uPD's motives.  Having been raised in the home of a NPDf and caretaker mother, i can assume that the "fetch him this or that" is a male-NPD trait/desire for a servant-wife, as that is my father's treatment of my mother.

My uPDw acts more like a self-centered yet fragile, pouty 10 year old spoiled girl who is covertly vindictive if she doesn't get her way, versus a male who wants a maidservant who will have sex with him. 

BoatBabe, im always learning and applying, which steadily erodes down the expectations of my wife over the last years.  At this point, she's in perpetual discard + devaluation and im in perpetual indifference, trying to live out my daydreams with a PD 'roommate' who's waiting for me to crack so she can start the cycle again.  Imo, the toolbox is a steady practice, both for my own mental fitness and protection, but to steadily carve out the expectations of my uPDw.  For me, it has always been about the steady and growing toolbox stream of erosion of conditioning my uPDw vs a flash flood of tools which triggers a huge PD response and doesn't accomplish conditioning.  Ending the caretaking by reading and applying Fjelstads teaching in her wonderful book, has been a huge motivator if one can stand the cold isolation that follows. 

11JB68,  I'm derailing this thread, so back on topic.  Im sorry you are experiencing neediness and all the PD traits of your husband.  I do though want to encourage you to condition him steadily to learning you will not be responding to his desires and set yourself up in advance for not defining your schedule or JADEing when you return.  Best wishes for success!   

SoT