Physical contact with ill father

[Ladymm]

I dont remember ever hugging or much any other physical contact with my parents. also i always felt it was strange and i felt disgust. my mother who happens to be a narcissist said that i never wanted physical contact but i think that something must have happened in the "forgotten" time of the first years of my life that lead to this since it is normal for children to seek reassurance,safety, calm 
i get a feeling like i must now hug my father or kiss him because he has cancer. its like an introjected feeling like im a horrible person if i dont do that,that this is what i am supposed to do. also with this comes the feeling that now that he has cancer i should visit him more often. it is a bit difficult feeling to describe but maybe anyone relate. it feels like a disgusting softening in your nervous system which is like leading you to touch them and you like lose control of your boundaries and just pour yourself in this disgusting contact. like w its illness time and this is how we are family

my father has just a diagnosis of cancer, he doesnt have any symptoms. also its just initial cancer and he should be ok after operation. but just the fact of cancer creates in me the compulsion that i should visit more often and this disgusting introjected feeling that i must toich him. last week i saw him first time after diagnosis and he hugged me and gave me kisses on the cheek which he never does, but this was like to congratulate me for an exam i passed but it was too much and i felt disgust and he didnt need to congratulate me in that way just for the exam, which made me feel now the expectation of more touch is on,🤮. next time we see each other is for christmas and im afraid again the touching, xmas wishes will take place.
if he tells me i love you or some shit i wouldt even know what to do,just the thought freaks me out.
i see this is a thing in this family,like when my grandfather was dying in hospital my father went to see im every saint day like the good son even tho before that they werent close at all.

i dont want to fake touch anyone i feel nothing for and also i dont want to visit or touch more because he has cancer. if i will not do that there is alao im afraid a potential put down from my mother who s now i feel a bit in hoovering mode,because i did an important exam and her ego is scared. but since im for now jobless and the cancer thing an escalation of drama is a possibility. but ok Id moRE likE To focus now on the question of the phyisical contact theme i described - any thoughts? thank you

[Worthy of Care]

When my abusive grandfather was in the hospital, dying of cancer, I went to his bed and kissed him. I don't remember if there was family pressure to do that. That was decades ago, and when I think of it it still turns my stomach.

Be true to yourself. Even if you can't identify exactly why, you have reasons that you feel disgust about physical contact with your parents. Trust yourself.