new here

[tiredofsad]

Hi, I am new here, I have suspected for a long time that something was wrong with my relationship with my husband (married over 25 years) but didn't know what...actually thought it was my fault for long long time.  My husband goes from everything's fine to super angry in seconds, always seems out of the blue and it's always because I said something wrong.  He rants a lot and I have to listen and agree with it all or he's angry again.  If I make him mad he will use the silent treatment.  Lately I have begun to think maybe this is not all my fault?  and felt like sometimes I was actually being set up.  Finally a few nights ago he became very angry at me because he decided I was angry, although I had not said anything, kept saying I was angry, he could tell because he knows me so well, brought up some totally unrelated thing from weeks ago, shouted at me until I said I did not understand why he became angry so quickly.  Then when we got home (were driving at the time) he said, well, maybe I didn't handle that so well.  No apology.
That was when I realized something was really wrong and I found this site.  I have been reading the information here and I see so many things he has done.  It is making me really sad and angry to realize all these things were abusive and it wasn't all my fault.  I am not sure what to do next but I can't unsee it.  So much wrong here.
Thanks for reading.

[JustKeepTrying]

tiredofsad,

This whiplash of the emotional change is tiring, angering, frustrating and not normal.  I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and I am glad you found us.

The toolbox is a great resource.  Read it through and bookmark it.  I read it over and over until I truly understood what it meant.  It is different than what you think and dream of your marriage so it can be surreal when you first learn what it's all about.

I was in a 32 years marriage with my xOCPDh.  It took me lots of time and therapy to understand and come Out of the FOG.  Yes, I am divorced and that may or may not be for you.  I am not advocating it.  There are lots of good posts in chosen relationships and separated/divorcing.  Read them.  Sit with them.  And whatever you do, we got your back.

Why Does He Do That? is a good book to look into.  Also, consider therapy.  And if you go the therapists route, give it time and if at first, it doesn't work - try again.  i had several attempts before I found a therapist who was good fit.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this and I am sending you big hugs.   

[notrightinthehead]

Just wanted to add my welcome and let you know that you are not alone in this. In addition to the good recommendations given above, I would like to suggest the book 'Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad. It helped me a lot.

[tiredofsad]

Thank you for the book suggestions.  Right now my husband has off until after New Years so I think I will wait until after that to order them.  If he saw those books I am not sure what would happen.  Even when he is back to work he is now permanently work at home, so he is constantly here and constantly needs attention, even though he is working.  I think this is part of what has caused me to realize what is going on.  I feel so stressed all the time now that he never leaves for work.  I am constantly being interrupted because he needs tea or coffee or wants to take a break and chat and I worry that if I don't respond the way he wants the anger will come.  I am not employed, stayed home with the kids, and he thinks that is great because I am here to do all the stuff he needs.  Until the mood changes and it is such a burden on him that I do not work and I could never understand or appreciate how stressful that is for him.

Surreal is a great word for it.  It's like I put on a new pair of glasses and everything looks different.  All the things I didn't understand suddenly became clear.  I remember thinking about some behaviors of his, it's as if he enjoys tormenting me, but that can't be right because why would he do that?  It must be because I am such a bad/annoying person.  If only I could be better everything would be fine.

[JustKeepTrying]

Consider a bait and switch - order the books or go to a store and buy and switch covers.  Have them mailed to a friends and switch the covers for a mindless romance of the same size that you buy on the bargain rack and then throw away.  I did that and fortunately, he never caught on.

There is a real whiplash emotionally when you step Out of the FOG.  My x worked from home for a few years (only traveled once a month) and I was a stay-at-home mom for my autistic son.  I worked for decades but my son's needs came first.  Actually second after my x.  I was his secretary, schedular, confidant, whipping post, cook, chef, laundromat all in one.  When he called I had better be there at a moment's notice regardless of what diaper I was changing or where or how far away I was.  I couldn't even go to the store without him tracking him and checking constantly on my grocery list and shopping habits.  Every aspect of my life was controlled down to the type of toilet paper and personal care products I bought. 

As you move through this, be kind to yourself.  It is very crucial you care for your needs as well.