please don't take pity on me

[desertpine]

Hi all -
I'm needing some feedback about how I'm feeling. Cuz I'm feeling a bit confused after an exchange with my partner this morning.
For the past 3-4 days I've been fighting a bug and feeling under the weather. Not stay-in-bed-all-day sick - it's more of the kind where I need some extra rest so I'll go to bed early, maybe take some OTC meds and stuff like that.
I feel really uncomfortable when my spouse expresses a combination of anxiety and sympathy - saying how sorry he is that I feel so sick, asking what I think is wrong, expressing how worried he is about something being wrong. It's hard to explain - it isn't the words so much as the emotional energy - that he is more upset about my feeling sick than I am. I feel like I'm being pitied. I asked him about this and he said he felt so awful about me being sick over the holidays. It seems like this would be kind, and compassionate but it doesn't feel like it. I end up re-assuring him that I will be fine, and then trying to get out of the house quickly. I don't know why it is so uncomfortable - he insists he is being caring, not taking pity on me. But it doesn't feel like that to me.
I think part of it is how his actions don't match up. When he is sick, I go into caretaker mode- getting soup, ginger ale, medicine, doing more around the house so he can rest, etc. But that is not the way he is wired. He is more likely to suggest I join him on the couch to watch TV and let the dishes wait until tomorrow. Probably important to say that he is disabled and I am the primary caretaker. So there already is a dynamic of my doing more because he is physically not able to do so.
I don't know- I feel like this when I'm being gaslit - the 'wait, what just happened?' feeling. But maybe he is being kind but I'm uncomfortable feeling so vulnerable?  I need to feel comforted when i'm feeling sick and this kind of reaction from him doesn't feel comforting. can anyone else relate?

[Starboard Song]

I think it is a good idea to take some time to directly tell him what would make you feel better, and maybe to include some things you do not need. I hope he will be responsive.

[notrightinthehead]

Hard to say what is going on without knowing your backstory.  I can think of two reasons why you might feel uncomfortable, the one external - because your partners words and actions don't match; the other because you are triggered - some internalized past message about not deserving care and comfort. It might be necessary that you give yourself some time and go deep into the feeling, where it sits in your body,  how exactly it feels like, if you have experienced it before and what you need in this very moment.  That should help you decide what exactly it means and what you should give yourself now. Be patient,  a feeling  of discomfort wants to be taken seriously but sometimes it can take a while to figure out what the origins are.

[square]

Hi, I can relate. My H doesn't do this on the subject of me being ill but yes, there is a very confusing dynamic of him wanting reassurance or some kind of emotional care from me in certain situations.

Sometimes I'm okay with that, but when the stressor is really mine (like you being sick is a stress on you not him) it's so draining. Or if the stressor is on both of us, I'd want mutual support, not all going one way.

But overall it's so invisible and confusing, the demand for emotional care.

Actually, on second thought, he does do this when I'm not feeling well, but in a different way. He'll go "are you ok?" and I'll say I'm not feeling well. A minute later he'll do it again and it's so tiring going through the stupid charade. In my H's case what is really happening is he's afraid I'm mad at him or rejecting him because my energy has ebbed. That triggers his abandonment fears. So he wants me to CONVINCE him I love him madly and I'm really just sick and not playing some kind of head game where I pretend to not feel well but in fact hate his guts and blah blah blah.

So literally when I am least able to prop him up, he will panic and push for me to do so. Aleays with the threat that he'll blow up if I'm not reassuring enough. When I need him to leave me alone or, you know, maybe even take care if me.

And it's all so deniable. "I'm just askung because I'm worried about you." Ha, no. You're worried about you.

Fortunately my H has a speck of self awareness and we've discussed this. He still does it but the second time he asks I get irritated and he'll back off. It's still tiring.

Yours might have a similar abandonment thing as my H. Anither possibility (which doesn't apply to my H) could be a dependence issue, where he fears you not being available to serve/take care of him. If you're sick, what will become of him?? (Sigh.)

Either way, it's a burden. One response you might consider is saying something like "it's true, I don't feel great. Maybe you could make me some soup?" This response was suggested to me in another thread here. It would move the dynamic away from you reassuring him, whether he makes the soup or not. But if he would then use making the soup against you (my H wouldn't but some PDs would make such a huge deal out of it and leverage it somehow) then maybe just try grey rock and say very little about it and let him stew in it himself.

[1footouttadefog]

I was also going to suggest that the energy change might be felt by your H as anger abandonment. 

Also because narcs view  nons as an extension of themselves or as property/belongings when are sick it's something that is being done to them.

Sort of like car trouble that is inconveniencing them. 

[tragedy or hope]

Because you are on this forum I am assuming you are not with someone who responds as expected.
My take:

Appearances. It can be all about the apperance of caring when really they could care less.
He is recently deceased; but I have experienced this many times. When I would tell him what was wrong, because he asked, and what I wanted... he was not really listening. He would suggest things that were not related to what I said I needed, or love bomb me and then go do what he wanted in the rest of the house.

Once when I was in the hospital, with something very serious. All I wanted was to be comforted. He had gotten a new phone. All he could do was talk about how he could not get it to work the way he wanted it to... stood in the corner and fiddled with it the whole time...but if nurse or Dr. came in he was attentive and caring. He stayed across the room most of the time. His goal was to use the new phone to tell everyone he knew so they could offer HIM comfort.

Early one morning in walks a friendof  H, who I also knew, He asks... "Where is H?" I tell him he was at his office. The guy pivots and says "I am sorry you are not feeling well, you seem better than i expected... tell H I was here," and leaves.

Also, N's can "motherize" a partner and deduct that when you are not well, you will figure it out because you are never supposed to be sick and if you are you are your own caretaker. Just know it is not really about you no matter what they say. It is manipulation of some sort. Take good care of yourself.

[desertpine]

Thank you everyone - all good points and I'm sitting with them as I try to sort this through. Now that I'm feeling a bit better and not so sick, I have some clarity. It's complicated and there seem to be several things happening - some to be expected and some not so much. I realized that my emotional reaction feels like I did when I was a kid and I took on adult responsibilities - the reverse parenting role is being triggered in me when Im feeling sick. The reality is that he is disabled and so, limited in what he can do to help me or to step up with the household things. So, he also feels anxious when I'm sick because we have to figure out who to contact for help, what to prioritize, etc. So, although he does have traits of NPD and HPD, and I am more comfortable giving care than receiving it (maybe cuz there is more control?), the disability is real and complicates things a bit. It's messy and when I'm sick, it's harder for both of us.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hope you're feeling better.

The "I feel so bad you're feeling sick!"  Your response is to minimize it, make HIM feel better. Neat reversal trick, taking all the attention for himself and coming out looking caring!