She doesn’t want to see us for Christmas?

[Seeking peace]

I'll be here all day trying to give the backstory. So I'm going to try to keep it short.
I've been vlc with uNpdm. We, meaning  me husband and 4 children, haven't  seen her since last Christmas. We live close by. ( 15 minutes away)
We got into an argument earlier this year and as always nothing is ever resolved with her. She takes no responsibility for anything, denies everything and is never wrong.
She always wants to let some time pass and act like everything is fine.
I haven't called or text her. We mainly only text anyway. She has text a few times, usually  every 6-8 weeks and if one of my 4 children's birthday is within that time frame her happy birthday text takes the place of the hope y'all are doing good text.  I have responded with grey rock.
2 days ago I received a Christmas card in the mail from her wishing us a merry Christmas and that she loves us all. Christmas gift card for my family was inside.
So it seems she has decided not to try to see us for Christmas.
I know Christmas shouldn't be an excuse to see someone you don't really want to see but I still thought (expected) she would want to try to see the kids.
I'm not sure if I should keep up the vlc at this point or let it turn into no contact. Her bday is the day after Christmas so I guess I'm feeling like I need to hurry up and make a decision. To know whether or not to send the happy birthday text.
What are your thoughts on her mailing the gifts even though we aren't nc and not even trying to see us? And to remain vlc or go nc? I know remaining vlc or going nc is ultimately up to me. I just don't know right now.
Thanks for reading.

[moglow]

She may be testing to see if you issue an invitation for either Christmas or her birthday. Mine would do that, then get all in a snit when I didn't do whatever she expected - yet she wouldn't make suggestions herself either. I can completely understand the feeling of mail the card/gifts and call it done. You're not ignoring her, I suspect like many of us you just have nothing left to say. The rug sweeping "after enough time has passed" just doesn't always get it, and sometimes we realize it's plain more peaceful without their manufactured dramafests.

Go with what feels best for you and your family. If she's not even showing any interest in seeing the kids, go with that. If they ask to see her, maybe offer to take them over for a short visit with a time limit in mind. But force everyone to play happy family Christmas while she pretends all is well with the elephants in the room? I doubt i'd do that. My last attempt was a dismal failure and is painful even looking back after all this time.

I'm here with you, know how hard it can be.

[Sneezy]

I know Christmas shouldn't be an excuse to see someone you don't really want to see but I still thought (expected) she would want to try to see the kids.

I always thought this, too.  Doesn't every grandparent want to see their grandkids?  But it turns out, that's not true.  I think there is this idea that grandparents are always sweet and jolly and loving and can't wait to see their grandkids.  But for many older people, that's simply not the case.  My dad was one of the best dads ever - but as he got older, kids made him nervous.  He loved to see his grandkids, but not for too long at a time and not if they got noisy.  My in-laws (histrionic MIL and enabling FIL) were fine if we made the effort to go see them, but they had every excuse in the book for not coming to see us over the holidays.  And when we suggested that they may want to retire near the town where all of their grandchildren lived, you'd have thought we'd suggested that they chop their heads off!  They weren't going to live somewhere just because family was nearby.  No, they were going to build a house in the middle of nowhere and expect us all to make the trek to them every year.

Anyway, contrary to what society tells us, there are quite a few older people who don't seem to be all that excited about being grandparents.  It's their loss, I think.

[Hilltop]

I feel like I am sort of in the same boat.  I usually get an invitation to Christmas, this year nothing and no card.  I have moved but close enough to drive back.  My communications with my mother have also deteriorated to only a few texts which she sends every month or so.  I also understand what moglow says where many of us have nothing left to say, we didn't want to rug sweep.  Funnily enough towards the end I did rug sweep and it didn't help either, my parents just got worse with their behaviour so I also am left with this nothing relationship.

If I look at our relationship from my mothers perspective who pretends that everything is fine, she would see that she puts in all the effort of sending a 'how are you' text once a month and I don't do anything, there is no effort from me.  A one sided relationship isn't great.  I understand my mother isn't going to look at her behaviour and understand how we got here and I also understand I can no longer try to fix things or put up with the behaviours so there is a stalemate.  In saying I don't blame her for not reaching out this Christmas so far, I am sure she will send a text and that's all the effort she'll put in.  I don't blame her because I haven't reached out either, I don't want to see her.

I guess if you want to see your mother at Christmas extend an invitation, if your kids want to see her extend an invitation.  However if you don't want to see her, don't.  Also I would consider the point that you haven't called or text her in a year, from her perspective you want space, so she is giving it.  I think being at this point of the relationship is hard because you know there is a reason for not contacting her, you know she is rug sweeping however it's also normal for a person to be a little unsure of contact with someone who has not contacted them in a year, which is where the mailing presents comes into it.  I understand a normal person would have reached out but I think my mother is simply incapable of that sort of emotional connection or perhaps she doesn't care or perhaps it's PD tendencies.  I can't work out which one it is.

I personally don't think the holiday's are a great time for big decisions.  I am planning on sending a Christmas text and New Year text and I will see how things progress next year.  It would be hurtful for the presents to arrive in the mail and I understand it seems like one more tactic they use in these already topsy turvy relationships where nothing is easy.  However if you contacted your mother and said you were upset, she would simply tell you that she hasn't heard from you and thought you wouldn't want to see her however she wanted the kids to have presents.  Perhaps she wants space at the moment as well.  Perhaps its a tactic to get a reaction.  Perhaps she is waiting to see if you will contact her for her birthday.

I would do what you want to do and not try to assume her motivations.  For me I feel like the lower communication will continue until it's normal.  It's not easy and when something new happens, like not getting the Christmas invitation for the first time, it is unsettling because you know something is up but of course they won't talk about it.  I guess for me at the moment I am ok with a few texts however I think you need to work out what you want to do and the reasons why.  Its hard especially at the holidays.

[Seeking peace]

Thanks for the replies.

Anyway, contrary to what society tells us, there are quite a few older people who don't seem to be all that excited about being grandparents.  It's their loss, I think

.

Oh they are excited when it comes to gcS children. She can do and say whatever she wants and have complete control over them. She doesn't get to have everything her way with my children so I think she doesn't put in the effort because there isn't a payoff for her.  It is their loss.

If I look at our relationship from my mothers perspective who pretends that everything is fine, she would see that she puts in all the effort of sending a 'how are you' text once a month and I don't do anything, there is no effort from me.  A one sided relationship isn't great.  I understand my mother isn't going to look at her behaviour and understand how we got here and I also understand I can no longer try to fix things or put up with the behaviours so there is a stalemate.  In saying I don't blame her for not reaching out this Christmas so far, I am sure she will send a text and that's all the effort she'll put in.  I don't blame her because I haven't reached out either, I don't want to see her.

Yes, during the argument earlier this year she mentioned the one sided relationship. I asked her how she thought it got that way.
She said she wasn't going to argue with me about that or anything else. If it was important for me to be right in everything she would gladly Always be wrong 

I wasn't planning on reaching out to her either bc I don't really want to see her. I guess it just shocked me to receive the gift in the mail.

My kids aren't going to ask to see her. She never put in enough time, effort or love with them to form a close bond with them. She only wanted to see us if gcS family was around and she spent the whole time doting on gcS kids. So my kids don't miss her.

Perhaps she wants space at the moment as well.  Perhaps its a tactic to get a reaction.

I think she was trying to bait me but either is possible.
She tried calling my husband yesterday. He
didn't answer.

Sorry you're going through something similar.

[Seeking peace]

Actually, gcS did finally put her foot down last year when her kids came home and told her uNpdm told them she would quit her job if they would come live with her. 
They are back to their "normal" now.

[Hilltop]

Interesting she called your husband, so she isn't looking for space, she is looking for a reaction, that's what I would be thinking about that.  Interesting that she can get the GC relationship back on track.

It's so frustrating these games before Christmas.  I can see how it would be really hurtful to get the kids presents in the mail when you have said that she is so excited over GC's children.  The difference in treatment would be hard to watch.  It's a different kind of hurt I'm sure.  That sucks and I'm sorry you are going through that.

It's funny how she doesn't want to argue about how the relationship got to being one sided, she admits she doesn't want to talk about the actual problem, yep she just wants to blame you for it being one sided, she doesn't even want to remotely look at her part in the whole thing.    There is no depth, no responsibility to even look at how the relationship got there. 

[MIB]

My two cents worth is you should enjoy the silence. There's nothing like a peaceful Christmas.

Send her a birthday text or card and you're good!

Hugs

[Tribe16]

Hello Seeking Peace,

I'm relating to so much of what you've written. My heart goes out to you because it sucks to feel hurt/confused during the holidays. I'll try to give my thoughts on your question, knowing that there is no wrong or right answer, only what feels right within you. You asked,

"I'm not sure if I should keep up the vlc at this point or let it turn into no contact. Her bday is the day after Christmas so I guess I'm feeling like I need to hurry up and make a decision. To know whether or not to send the happy birthday text.
What are your thoughts on her mailing the gifts even though we aren't nc and not even trying to see us? And to remain vlc or go nc? I know remaining vlc or going nc is ultimately up to me. I just don't know right now."

If you continue the VLC, and send the Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday texts, this sends the message that you care. You are putting your boundary on the contact but you are letting her not feel completely alone at Christmas. This is a generous thing to do - and maybe Christmas and birthdays are a good time to take the high road. If you don't do this, will you feel uncomfortable and question yourself afterwards? I only ask this because this is how my brain would work, yours might be different. If your goal is peace at Christmas, whatever that means for you - I would choose the most peaceful route with the least amount of conflict. If it were me, that would include the conflict within myself.

I have a rejecting uPD mom too. I am a former GC turned SG. I didn't know what any of these acronyms even were until the last year or so. Like yours, my mother has never to my knowledge apologized for anything to me in her life, at least not a sincere one (there were a few, "I'm sorry but you did XYZ which causes me to ABC").  We text, I stopped calling her regularly in August (it's been over a year now since she telephoned). I do talk to my dad once a week. I would say he is very enmeshed, but loving to me - just henpecked by my mother. I called with hubby on speaker for a 10 minute medium chill call at Thanksgiving to her and Dad. She behaved because hubby was on the phone - the call was no drama but superficial. That's ok, peaceful.

This week I sent them homemade soup for Christmas (spoonful of comfort dot com) - out of ideas to send them stuff but I thought they would enjoy this. A little delivery snafu required me to call to make sure they picked it up off their porch and had to talk to mom. She was agitated in her passive aggressive way. A normal person would have been somewhat grateful?! She complained that I should have spelled out the delivery process better. I was really proud of myself on that call, I never let her see me sweat. I changed the subject, asked her if she wanted to videochat on Christmas day while my kids were here and she could see the grandkids, etc, etc... Lots of pushback and negativity on "How she doesn't have time to learn how to video chat on Messenger" - mind you she texts on Messenger all the time, she just doesn't like to be seen on camera. She hates having her picture taken - it's weird. Anyway, she was very negative on the call, and it ended soon after, and silly me, I was feeling badly about it all day. That night she sends these mushy texts with an overdose of heart emojis. This is how it always is. Mom covers her bad behavior with the "I am a loving mother because I send texts with heart emojis and make facebook posts about my kids with heart emojis" really well. But in person or on the phone, she can be awful.

Anyhoo, I am reminded that she is the one missing out on a happy Christmas, not me. That's her choice, just like it's your mom's choice - and your Christmas can be as bright and cheerful and love-filled as you want it to be whether Mom participates or not. Likely much more so if not. Some people prefer misery I've decided. It gives their life meaning and props up their martyr complex. Icky way to live, but it is what it is.

[Seeking peace]

I appreciate you all taking the time to comment.
In the weeks leading up to Christmas I was feeling stressed and anxious thinking of the upcoming visit. Since receiving the mail even though it was hurtful at the time the stress and anxiety about the visit has gone. So I'm thankful for that.
I think I will go ahead and send a simple merry Christmas text tomorrow and thank her for the gift and send a bday text.

Hugs to all of you that can relate. I hope that we can all find peace.