Seeing uNPD MIL for the first time in 2 years

[Breakthrough]

So mentally preparing to deal with my NMIL.  The one good thing about the pandemic is it gave me a reprieve from dealing with her.  She is not allowed to call or txt me, though she still txted me for a while after I put up this boundary (on her shared account with my FIL, so I thought it was him).  Long story short, she pushed and pushed and pushed until I door slammed her.  She caused massive drama in my marriage and I contemplated getting divorced because she kept inserting herself into my marriage.  My husband is enmeshed and in the FOG for so long.  Recently, since I finally acknowledged and realized my older sis is also likely a PD, and cut contact with her, my husband has realized, I am not insulting his mom when I talk about how she is, I am just processing and trying to think of strategies to avoid feeling as though she steamrollered over me once again.  Even he is getting annoyed with her.  At any rate, she will be here tomorrow night.  I am excited to hide in my room and knit, and also excited to see other family on that side.  I am mostly going to avoid her, she doesn't understand the meaning of a comfortable silence, that woman would talk about nothing for days.  I am an introvert and I just find her very invasive (nosy as her sons call her), and manipulative.  I would honestly be happy not to have to see her ever again, I think I have some PTSD from her endangering my child when she was a baby (my child who now adores her and is 9).  I am doing my best to foster limited contact between her and my kids as this is what my husband wants.  So far they really love her, I am glad but also worried, I need to make sure we enforce boundaries with her, she tromps on them with children too.  My nephew is more reserved and takes a while to warm up to people.  I remember their last visit, he was almost 2 and she kept snatching him to my SIL's and nephew's distress.  He was obviously not wanting to go to her, but she kept forcing him because he was too small to run away.  It was painful to watch, and angered me.  I am already coming up with things to say to her because I hate seeing her do that to kids, I strongly believe in teaching kids bodily autonomy by example, and in respecting their wishes.  I just made sure I approached him gently, and I made some puppets talk with him, he eventually asked me to carry him upstairs to visit with our kitties, but I still confirmed, and asked him "do you want me to pick you up?" Before touching him.  I am not sure how much they have seen her since the pandemic (they live in the same city), but I really miss my nephews, and I will find it hard to watch and not say anything to her if she tramples on either my kids or my nephew's boundaries.  I know I shouldn't butt in when it comes to my nephew, but I feel my husband and BIL are too passive with her, I think that's how they survived her, but I don't want this non communicative stuff for my kids.  I don't want to smear my MIL, but my girls are getting older, and my MIL is a PD, they'll figure something is off eventually.  I want to be honest and age appropriate with them, and ideas on what to read to figure this out?  I usually let my kids lead with their questions. 

[Leonor]

Hi Breakthrough,

I'm sorry you're feeling such distress; it's clear your mil is a royal pain and your dh is foggy ... Around the holidays, the cultural pressure to forced contact ramps up so much anxiety. I mean, in most parts of the world it's, like, Thursday.

And in every part of the world except your house, mil is just, like, some little old lady. She's a pain in your beehive, but to everyone else on the planet she's not some force of nature or empress of all there is.

If you are truly concerned about the children's safety, that mil will do something to harm rather than annoy them, then bring your knitting into the living room and chat with the people you enjoy while darning and keep an eye on things. You can have some stock phrases to intervene, that might make you feel more empowered: "It looks like Sally is having fun with Carla, let's let them enjoy their together," or "Hey, Petey, I think Sally and Carla are in the kitchen, if you'd like to join them," etc.

If your anxiety stems mostly from the unpleasant dynamic in your home, and worrying about what mil might do or say or look like or think, then stay centered, whether in the living room or kitchen or your own room. You won't be able to steer your little family's ship smoothly if you're feeling rocky yourself. I'm sure mil would delight in any drama that invites your upset, so just leave some grey-rock coal in her stocking this year.

You can always debrief with daughter later if she mentions anything to you later: "Yeah, Grandma is a little pushy sometimes, right? But you can always say no to her," or "You know, a house full of people can get noisy, but if you ever want to just hang out you can play in your room or come find me."

DH's mom. DH's guest. DH's problem!

[bloomie]

Breakthrough - it is always kinda amazing to me the level of disruption one person can bring to an entire family group gathering for the holidays. Your mil seems to be someone who brings a lot of angst to what otherwise might be a really nice gathering. I am sorry you are facing that in your own home.

Having something like knitting to do with your hands and turn your focus on is a fantastic idea. Inspired! Calming, too.

Something that has helped me with my own mil, who attempts to guilt the small children who do not warm up to her with faux tears and insisting on overriding their 'no' is to defer to the parents. It is what I do about anything related to other people's children in my home. Food? "Let's check with your parents first." Outdoor play: "Let's see what your mom and dad say about that." Mil attempting to force a small child to hug or kiss her: "Oh, let's respect her/his no."

And then....move on quickly to talk about anything other than the standard you just set in your home that we respect a child's no and we defer to their parents who are present if any question arises.

I have found that when I speak with a light, firm tone and with authority in my own domaine it often works to move things along. I don't linger if there is push back... "Oh, it a celebration we can talk that through another time. Here's some eggnog..."

We don't have to fight, we cannot control people, we don't have to argue or over explain anything, we can be savvy and calm and cordial and firm in how we address stuff that comes up with anyone, but especially with a mil who refuses/or is unable to read the room and adjust their behaviors accordingly.

You will be modeling important tools and strategies to your own children and maybe even to your sil who it seems may allow your mil to run over the top of her and ignore her wishes.

Let us know how things go!

[Breakthrough]

So the visit went pretty well.  MIL was actually helpful and cleaned up the kitchen before bed every night which I really appreciated.  It was a lot of work having everyone here, but worth it.  We had a few things that happened.  My husband was constantly hiding in our room, which annoyed me, he was napping, but it was his family here so he should have been a better host IMO.  My MIL mostly stuck to her large space upstairs as did FIL which was good for me, the kids went up there to visit.  MIL did say something to my kids, because my 9 year old told me she says grandma wants to visit more often.  My SIL overheard it and told me it was innocent.  My MIL also tried to approach me about us visiting her in the summer, I told her repeatedly to ask her son, which she didn't respect and then tried to put pressure on me and making it my responsibility if he doesn't go.  Nope.  I mean I have to work all summer and my husband never worked since we got married, which was never what I agreed to, he has the freedom to take my kids to visit his mom himself, but he doesn't, that's on him.  Not how she sees it, but then she'd have to acknowledge that may be her precious baby boy doesn't want to spend that much time with her.   

Overall, it was good, she got me gifts as an after thought, which wasn't great, I realized after I tried them on they were obviously made for my SIL who is about 7 inches taller than me.  She has a business which makes clothing so she often makes clothing for SIL.  This was the first time she had it done for me, but I don't think she actually had it done for me, she probably just decided she had to give me something last minute.  Oh well, I bought her a $200 digital picture frame so we can send them pics of the kids. If we don't see them next year I don't plan to get them anything, it will be my husband's job and he is terrible at gifts.  I didn't expect anything from her, so this was fine.

I spent 3 days after they left just resting and recovering, thankfully my husband didn't complain too much, but I really needed to just have my own time after they left, it was exhausting but worth it, my kids and my nephews had a great time.  My FIL and MIL both thanked me, my MIL forced a hug on me at the end, which I accepted, but kept it short. I have realized, I love hugs, but only from certain ppl, my kids and husband and my nephews and nieces are about it.  And my parents, especially my mom.  But yeah, not loving it from either in-laws, and my FIL sensed it and didn't try which felt respectful.  I am relieved it's over, and will let my husband take some initiative for inviting his family next time (this time was me insisting they come, and I am glad I did for the cousin time, and time with my nephews).

[bloomie]

Breakthrough - thankful the visit overall went pretty well with the take away being: " I am relieved it's over, and will let my husband take some initiative for inviting his family next time" SO wise!

Responding to insisting you all visit with a redirection to your H and leaving the plans to him with his family is a healthy boundary and something it has taken me so much longer than you to learn. Bravo for navigating this so well and keeping a positive view of things even when challenged.

[Cat of the Canals]

My MIL also tried to approach me about us visiting her in the summer, I told her repeatedly to ask her son, which she didn't respect and then tried to put pressure on me and making it my responsibility if he doesn't go.  Nope.

Kudos on holding to those boundaries! 

[Hilltop]

Well done on holding those boundaries and for deflecting her questions about visiting next summer.  As you say it sounds like your DH can take the kids to see them, so it really is something he can organise.  Well done on stepping back from that.

[Breakthrough]

We asked for one gift only for our kids, she of course did not stick to that, and got a bunch of cheap stuff that has a million pieces and will soon be garbage.  I collected one, it was a set of three games all with thin cardboard pieces, told my husband I am donating it before it becomes trash.  I like quality and hate her cheap ways, but my new way of dealing with that is just to toss what she gives us.  Example, MIL bough a remote controlled car for my nephew, 2 years ago when we last saw them and did it again, both times, it was broken before they went back home 🤦🏻‍♀️.  I hate the waste and the instant garbage presents she gets, but it is what it is.  My husband got annoyed with her because he hates it more (though it use to be a point of contention, he now realizes she is cheap, and does buy junk, so he doesn't think I am bad mouthing her anymore because I am just stating things she herself has proudly stated in the past).  It's still annoying, but I am also thankful that I won't have to deal with her again for a while. 

Working on my own peace with the situation, she kept talking when I said you need to discuss that with you son, and the blaming me and holding me responsible is not sitting well with me.  I wish I could just purge that from my mind, but my mind tends to hang onto these things.  It was the only real big boundary violation while she was here.  I think in the future I will just ignore her.  Even responding isn't helpful because she will just keep talking at me until she's had the last word.  I think letting her question be the last word is best next time.  I will just leave the room without acknowledging she even said anything.  I still feel this is rude of me, but her pushy domineering attitude and demeanour is worse, so I guess that would be best in the future. 

SIL said she has an ok relationship with her, I would say it's a good relationship because she actually respects some boundaries with her, and they were better about boundaries from the beginning.  I told her that MIL has caused issues in the past and gave her the example of the sneakiness of asking my husband to visit who said no and then calling me at work.  She said similar situations have occurred with her.  For us, it's worse though, because they live in the same town, at least a visit doesn't mean having to live under the same roof.  I feel like ideally I would want her to come for 3 days every 2 years 🤣.  I mean ideally I would not want to see her, but my husband and kids do, and so it is something I will leave in my husband's hands.  He is free to visit her in the summer, I am not, so it will be up to him.  I am looking forward to our vacation time as just our family, but still missing extended family in spite of the drama.

[Cat of the Canals]

Working on my own peace with the situation, she kept talking when I said you need to discuss that with you son, and the blaming me and holding me responsible is not sitting well with me.  I wish I could just purge that from my mind, but my mind tends to hang onto these things.  It was the only real big boundary violation while she was here.  I think in the future I will just ignore her.  Even responding isn't helpful because she will just keep talking at me until she's had the last word.  I think letting her question be the last word is best next time.  I will just leave the room without acknowledging she even said anything.  I still feel this is rude of me, but her pushy domineering attitude and demeanour is worse, so I guess that would be best in the future. 

I discovered that this works wonders on my PDMIL recently, quite by accident. She was ranting and raving. My husband and I each tried to redirect her, she kept going. Husband and I both went quiet. We were in the car with her, so there was no leaving, but it didn't matter. She ranted for maybe a few sentences before she seemed to realize it was falling on deaf ears. She shut up and didn't bring up the topic for the rest of the visit, which was VERY surprising and not her usual M.O. So yes. Deafening silence in the face of a PD who simply isn't going to shut up unless they've had the last word can be quite effective.

[Breakthrough]

Yup, I did do that eventually, and left the room as well.  I think next time I will do it from the beginning of any inappropriate direction of questions at me.  But yes it's effective for sure!