heartbroken

[ambivalent1]

My mother died of cancer in June.  The longer she's gone the more things there are that I realize she didn't do for me and the ways she hurt me.
I visited her one night at her nursing home when they thought she wouldn't make it through the night.  She was so medicated she couldn't talk but I talked to her.
She died in hospice less than a month later.  She never contacted me directly or through other family members to say any last words.
Christmas is tomorrow and instead of thinking of all the happy memories I have of my mother, I'm thinking of this or that Christmas when her and my father hurt me or my sister.
No one in my family contacted me to offer condolences.  3 aunt's and my sister and no one has said a word.
I have an older brother with autism who is the only one who talks to me.  He told me in June that my mother would be cremated and there would be some sort of service in October.  I haven't heard anything since.  I don't know where my mother's ashes are and I'm afraid to ask if there was a service I wasn't even invited to.
Up until very recently I thought the terrible waves of pain I keep getting were grief.  I'm starting to think it is grief but grief for myself, not my mother.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Ambivalent, I am so so sorry that you find yourself in this situation now after many years of abuse. That is so so hard. Your pain is so vivid in your writing.

I am sending you a BIG survivor hug right now to see you through the next few days. Be very very kind to yourself and remember to breathe. Looks like 2022 will be the year you begin to rise from the ashes, phoenix like. People do recover from this crap but it takes a bit of time. The sooner you start the better.

Till then, here's another mahoosive hug.

[1footouttadefog]

I feel the pain in your post.

I hope that even though you are feeling down while processing this pain and grief, that at the same time healing is taking place.

I hope you are soon on a path toward your best life.  I hope that in the meantime you will take care of yourself.

Even if you did not have the mother you deserved, you still deserve self care.  Be kind to you as you progress on this journey through pain and healing toward wholeness. 

[Sneezy]

I'm sorry you are going through this, Ambivalent.  Please take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and nurture yourself.  You deserve peace - sending lots of hugs and good thoughts!

[Lilyloo]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. I am sending you a huge hug and thoughts of healing and love . We all understand and are here for you

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you are doing okay.  The holidays are always hard under your circumstances.