Leaving home in good terms or silently?

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

Today as I was taking a long walk I had a breakthrough. I realized why it's hard to take the physical action to leave PD fam's home. It's the thought that I need to leave in 'good terms' to keep up the appearances that they're good parents and all is well. This is what I was forced to do growing up. Whenever I left for college or when I first left to another country, I left telling them how much they meant to me and that I'll keep in touch and that all will be well-I basically gave them a LOT of supply. I remember one time they came with me to the airport and said goodbye before I started the check-in process. They had the 'we're the perfect parents' masks on and I truly believed that they cared.

Anyway, now that I hate them and I am apparently in the anger phase of the grieving process in which every little thing they do makes me want to physically harm them so they can feel all the pain and hurt they've caused me my entire life, I don't want to leave home keeping up the appearances.

But what's the alternative? It's to leave home silently. Like I've read some people did when they went NC. They packed their bags and called a cab in the early hours of the morning and off they went. And they never came back-physically or emotionally.

So I don't know if I can leave 'silently', without telling them. A part of me is crazy in love with this idea but it's like a forbidden, subconscious desire.
I just want to know that if I leave without them knowing about it, I won't be eaten by guilt and the pain won't be that bad. But the idea of leaving them while keeping up appearances, striking their egos, making them feel important, makes me sick to my stomach. It's not fair to the inner child who's been abused for so long.

I guess I am asking you guys to share the feelings you had when you left the PD parents' home and if you announced it or not. If you left when they weren't home, did you feel guilty after that? Did they find your address or were you able to keep your address secret? I just want to hear stories about physically leaving the PD parents so I can maybe normalise this act in my head and not make such a big deal about it. BTW, I'm 39 and I left their home few times but I came back

[moglow]

My situation was somewhat different from yours, so bear with me -

I left home at 17, moved into my dad's house. We'd spent the summer with Daddy and near the end I decided I wanted to spend my last year of high school with him. I was selfish [what 17 year old isnt really] and knew what it would be like at mother's, that I'd spend a lot of my senior year on lockdown for random excuses of her making. At Daddy's it would be and was very different, he just asked that we give him an idea when to expect us and he was always up waiting when we got home to hear about our dates or activities. By giving us that freedom, it was easy and comfortable and no one was worried about going home. Let's just say it wasn't that way at mother's. 

Anyhoo, the actual move was emotional and quite the dramafest, as mother somehow didn't see it coming. She'd insisted on and pushed picking sides all our lives and she saw our move as we picked Daddy over her. Okay, so be it. It was several months before I went back to her house for a visit - and there was no sign we'd ever been there. It didn't occur to us that she'd obliterate any/every reminder of us, including any childhood mementos we'd somehow left behind, our cold weather clothes, even the furniture in our bedrooms. She'd left our current school pictures on her dining room wall and that's IT. Four children ceased to exist unless we contacted her. Abandonment.

Thing is, we were underage and couldn't simply leave. There were legalities to consider and agreements to be made before Daddy could assume custody. For you, that's not the case - you're an adult. It's not so much a matter of "leaving home" as you're an adult who appreciates them helping you through a time of need, and you've found a place of your own. You don't have to ask permission, provide a host of acceptable explanations or excuses, or napalm a bridge in the process. You don't have to sneak out like a thief in the night or anything else. You arrange for your new place and utilities, pack up your belongings, assistance with the heaving lifting and you move.

As you say, you've done this before. I'm just suggesting you reframe it that way for yourself and thereby for the situation as a whole. Present as a fait accompli, matter of fact and with a smile, and be on your way. Once you're finished and settled in, consider if you want to contact them - or not.

[JustKathy]

Like Moglow, I also left as a teen, just a few weeks after my eighteenth birthday. I was still in high school at the time. My Nmother's abuse had become unbearable and I was under the silent treatment. One day I reached my breaking point and said, f*ck it, I'm done with this. I packed what I could fit in my car and fled. My mother ignored the whole thing and sent my enFather out to try and stop me. There was a LOT of drama.

Since I left without a plan I went to a friend's house first, then hooked up with some guy I met at work (that one did NOT end well for me). I told my father where I was living because, at the time, I still believed he loved me. It was several decades later that I went full NC.

I left that day in anger and I know my siblings must have been told all kinds of terrible stories about me to cover for my sudden departure. But had I left quietly, it would have had the same outcome. When it comes to PD people, there's no such thing as leaving on good terms. You might think that you did, but in their mind, the act of leaving is a betrayal no matter how politely you do it. As for feeling guilty, I was a teenager running away from an abuser, so guilt never entered into the picture. Leaving as an adult is much different. Yes, they'll see it as "leaving home" but all you're really doing is moving to your own place, which as an adult is a perfectly normal thing to do.

I'm not really in a position to give you the advice you need since my situation was so different from yours, but I'll just say that you should do what is best for you to save your sanity. Don't fret about feeling guilty when that may not even happen. You're going to be okay.

[hhaw]

m_pop:

I found a wonderful trauma informed therapist with Buddhist leanings to help me process old trauma and navigate the crisis of the week (COWs) with more resilience and less suffering.

You have multiple layers of pain, anger and confusing emotions to sort out...like all humans.  Finding a good therapist could be very useful to you.

In the meantime, maybe consider finding ways to get some distance on your FOO......so you can see what's really there.

Maybe try breathing 10x deep and slow....like filling a vase, bottom to top.  Focus on breathing and how you feel in your body.  Repeat to calm yourself as needed.

Drop all judgments around everything, if you can.  Esp while breathing.  Replace it with curiosity to see what comes up for you.

Treat yourself to tsunamis of self compassion and care.....like you're a toddler.  Be so very kind to you.

You decide when you leave your FOO home. 

[daughter]

I moved out of my parents home six months after college, on way to grad school later that year.  I politely announced decision six weeks in advance, for cross-country fixed destination. All was well-organized, self-funded, safe choices. And nmom' response was WW3 nuclear.  That displayed "upset" was so severe that I was super-sick for 5 days afterwards, while nmom totally ignored me.  Actual departure was uneventful, though it was expected I'd return for major holidays, my birthday, etc on my own dime; ditto for weekly long-distance phone-calls to nmom, etc.  I was "away" for six years.

I eventually returned to my parents' home city, and my SG role resumed within two weeks.  1st NC occurred a decade later, after particularly monstrous episode, but plenty previous episodes would certainly have warranted NC. My parents told ME they "didn't want to ever see" me again, and I took them up on it. NC lasted 4 months. Patched things up somewhat, but nmom knew I "knew", and things remained superficially semi-civil so long as I endured more of her same inappropriate expectations, caustic behavior, and overt disdain, until whoops, DH asked for us to stop 🛑.  So we quietly slipped into NC, without formal notice, without discussion beyond the big bad behavior episode occurrence itself (which we quietly listened to without particular comment or rancor). That was a decade ago.  Enabler FM ndad raged for several months, "refusing to allow" our quiet disengagement, FOG'ing to "comply", and dismissing me as "having no right to issues". His rancor reinforced our NC resolve. Nmom?  Silence, more silence, and spiteful hovering via our oldest DS.  Such malignant behavior as to destroy any possibility of future reconciliation. Nope, we're happily NC, just wish we'd done so prior to our wedding (more inexcusably horrible behavior).

So, my advice is two-fold, civil move-out, follow-up with NC afterwards, if warranted.  I think key is to be independent household before determining NC decision.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, daughter and to everyone else commenting here. I'll take daughter's advice and go NC right after moving out. I'll be polite during the move out and use grey rock like I used it for the past year and a half (it's helped me a lot).

I can't afford a therapist yet-not in the country where I live. Salaries are criminally low here so therapy is not affordable (well, unless I choose a counsellor with no experience in narcissistic abuse just for weekly support).

BTW just because I am an adult it doesn't mean NPs see me that way. My NM always threw tantrums when I'd move away and I assume she'll do it again. I just can't and won't deal with those tantrums. I plan on telling them I move out a day beforehand.

[moglow]

How she chooses to see you isn't your business nor does it matter, MP.  How YOU see yourself and what you need to do for that self needs to step to the fore. She can throw whatever tantrums she chooses, still not your stuff. When you walk out that door, those tantrums don't have to go with you. All you're ever responsible for is yourself and your own behavior, not hers. She is also not responsible for yours.


The anger will eat you alive if you let it - please find a productive outlet so you can get it out and let it go.

[mary_poppins]

Moglow-thanks <3