Nice BPD waif drops by

[WinterStar]

So BPD nice waif mom who lives a four hour round trip away just popped by to drop off the Christmas presents. I don't know of anything that would have brought her to the area, though I suppose it's possible she was nearby for another reason. This is the first time in my entire life I've ever known her to drop by anyone's home without a discussion with that person.

I was in the middle of dealing with laundry and didn't even realize she was here at first. My husband answered the door and called the kids over to say hi and then came to tell me she was here. I didn't know what to do. I felt cornered and flooded. I was sure she was here for the heart to heart that she wants to have sometime to "fix" things. I declined that via email and she never responded to that email. I didn't want to go to the door, so I didn't, and since she was just dropping things off, she was gone within a few minutes.

I checked my email after she left, and she sent an msg yesterday, asking if it was okay to drop the presents off today. I hadn't checked my email, so I didn't know about it. The excuse was that one of the gifts was hard to mail.

This was so unexpected. I didn't handle it at all how I would have liked to. I'm not even sure how I would want to handle it... But I'm all discombobulated. Lots of dissociation and trying to pretend everything is normal for the kids. And pretending everything is fine is a huge trigger.

And I'm not sure what to do. Do I thank her for the gifts? Ask her not to drop by without clearing it first? Do I try to come up with a plan for next time? Or is next time going to be something else anyway? How do I prepare for that?

My plan was to take an extended break from my mom from now until March. I guess maybe that's the answer then. I still don't know how to handle an unavoidable intrusion like this. And I'm going to feel hypervigilant for awhile after this. I've purposely been meeting her at neutral locations in recent years. I want my home to be my safe space.

[IntoTheLight]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I don't know your mother, but I can imagen it feels like an intrusion. She could have called you or send you a text before she drove to your house to check if it was convenient. Did you make it clear to her you need some distance for a while? If you did, this would be a boundary violation. She could be pushing your boundaries to get your attention with the 'I just want to drop off presents' act. It's definitely a 'WAIF' thing to do. And in that case not responding to it can be a good strategy perhaps. If she does it again, you can state your boundary more clearly. "I want you to call or text before you come to my house." Anyway, a difficult situation. If it was any other person, I would say, let it go. But I know BPD mothers can have hidden agenda's.

Anyway, whatever you do, I want you to know I understand how you feel and I hope you can practice some self care and feel better soon!

[WinterStar]

Thanks, IntoTheLight. Yes, it feels like an intrusion. And it was just to drop things off, but it felt like she was going to want to talk, so panic set in before it was clear that she wasn't going to put me on the spot like that.

She didn't even try to make plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She just asked to meet so she can apologize to me. I've been on the receiving end of her tearful apologies before, and they always involve detailed accounts from her sad life story to illustrate how nothing is ever really her fault. I used to end up comforting her.

She's been asking for a heart to heart for years. She says she and her mother cleared up misunderstandings before my grandmother died. She wants to do the same with us. Except, every time she asks for this heart to heart, she gives me a bunch of details from her sad life story and shows absolutely no interest in my experience of anything, which leads me to believe what she wants is to help me understand her better even though she has constantly shared all manner of details about her life, many that are inappropriate for her to tell me. She's very proud of the fact that she talks about the past with me. Her mother never talked about the past, which was painful for my mom. So, my mom corrected that by sharing all of her trauma with me starting when I was very young. So, my mom wishes my grandmother had talked with her and helped her work through the tough things that happened to my mom when she was growing up. And instead of being the mom to help her kids work through tough times, she became the mom who talked about her own trauma with her kids. She sought from me what she didn't get from her mom. Then, she wrapped it up in a bow and told me that she did it for me, to help me. To this day she is very proud of this.

I've previously told her that she gives me inappropriate details. She gets upset and cries. Once she's recovered, she carries on as she did before, sharing inappropriate details. I don't feel safe discussing anything with her. So I told her I wasn't looking for an apology and left the it at that.

I have never stated that she shouldn't come by my house without having a plan to do it because she's never behaved that way in her life as far as I know. It always feels like a game of whack a mole with her. You try to address mole #1, but the second you're about to whack that mole, it's gone, and three more have popped up elsewhere. Nothing ever gets addressed properly. Nothing ever gets resolved. And the only relief I have found is to back away slowly so that I limit the access she has to me, and she doesn't often have the opportunity to dump her emotional garbage on me. But I have this feeling of impending doom. I know the garbage pile is just growing and growing, and it feels like at some point, it's going to come my way, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[WinterStar]

Also, there's no saying "no" to my mom. She presents things in a way that anticipates a possible "no" and tries to avoid it. She sends me an email that she just wants to drop off presents. Saying "no" seems so unreasonable that it's not an option. And then, she came even without a reply, which shows how optional she felt this was. I can't say "no" to hearing about her trauma because she's convinced herself that it's beneficial for me, and she would know better than me about what's good for me. I can't say "no" to the heart to heart because I say "no" and then she just asks again. And again. And again. Even when I succeed at clearly saying "no" to her, she can't hear it. The one time I really succeeded at saying "no" to something important and she correctly undertsood, she ran out of the room crying, and everything went back to the way it was not long after.

[Cat of the Canals]

WinterStar, I know that since you had a sort of "freeze" response to your mother's unexpected visit, you are feeling that you didn't handle it well. But I think you inadvertently set a good boundary as to future unannounced visits like this, which is: if you show up unannounced, I might not be a position to give you my time.

I don't think there's any coincidence that she's been pushing for a "heart to heart" and then showed up like this. So it was probably good to reinforce the idea that just showing up on your doorstep isn't going to get her what she wants either.

If and when you communicate with her again, I would definitely tell her not to come without clearing it with you first. Make sure you word it that way, too, and not just "call or text before." Otherwise she'll do what she did this time and what my PDmil always did, which is to send a message telling you that she's coming without any concern to whether you said OK or not.

As to not being able to say no: The no is more for you than it is for her. If she chooses not to listen or accept a "no," she is being rude and disrespectful and the consequences of that behavior are HERS to deal with. And yes, of course there's always blowback. You'll probably get the full waif treatment. And it sucks. No one will deny that. But that's your cue to leave, end the call, block her emails for a while. Her not being able to hear "no" is her problem.

[WinterStar]

Cat of the Canals,

You are right that my freeze response may have inadvertently set a good boundary. I was already thinking that it was fortuitous that I didn't see the email before she arrived. If I had, I would have had to figure out how to respond and WHAT TO DO!!! Instead, she was there and then gone a few minutes later.

And you're right that the "no" is for me. I can hold the "no" well via email. But I still really struggle with the "no" in person. My mom doesn't even have to ask for what she wants. I just know. It's hard to describe, but it's her emotions are a tactile thing that I can feel coming toward me. And I've been trained from birth to let those emotions take me over. I don't feel like I'll be able to say "no" when I need to. Maybe I'll get there at some point.

[Worthy of Care]

This was so unexpected. I didn't handle it at all how I would have liked to. I'm not even sure how I would want to handle it... But I'm all discombobulated. Lots of dissociation and trying to pretend everything is normal for the kids. And pretending everything is fine is a huge trigger.

And I'm not sure what to do. Do I thank her for the gifts? Ask her not to drop by without clearing it first? Do I try to come up with a plan for next time? Or is next time going to be something else anyway? How do I prepare for that?

I understand dissociating. Pretending that everything is fine is a really big trigger for me too.

Regarding your questions: maybe all of the above.

I don't feel like I'll be able to say "no" when I need to. Maybe I'll get there at some point.

All of this recovery is a difficult and long road. Be kind to yourself. That you were able to look at what happened, look at your reactions, and ask how you might proceed in the future; is (I'm guessing) growth for you.

[IntoTheLight]

I agree with Cat of the canals, you handled this well! Not coming to the door also sent a signal. My mother is waif as well. She has been suicidal and depressed many times and I never felt like my boundaries mattered. I am learning now that I am not responsible for my mothers feelings when I set a boundary. I feel you are in the same process. I'm not sure where the dissociation fits in for me, but I'm trying to work on my co-dependency. My boyfriend and I joke that instead of long Covid, we both have long codependency.

Dealing with waifs (I also have a waif friend) is difficult. In normal conversations you can show emotions. I don't like you coming by unanounced because (insert reason, feelings etc.) but a waif will sometimes use your feelings against you, or go full witch on you. But I think handling the situation the way you do, will get the message through eventually. You are not available anymore as her personal wailing wall. And even if she gets you cornered and starts her whining/wailing, you don't engage in a conversation like you did before. She can talk to you, but she can't make you do what she wants anymore. She won't like it, but hey, that's not your problem!

[Cat of the Canals]

My mom doesn't even have to ask for what she wants. I just know. It's hard to describe, but it's her emotions are a tactile thing that I can feel coming toward me. And I've been trained from birth to let those emotions take me over. I don't feel like I'll be able to say "no" when I need to. Maybe I'll get there at some point.

I know that feeling well. Something that has worked for me with both my PDmom and PDmil is that if I'm not feeling strong enough to give a "no," I will simply refuse to answer the question in the moment. "I'll have to think about that and get back to you." or "I can't answer that right now." It's become my default response anytime they blindside me with a request I wasn't expecting.

It's obviously not always a long-term solution if they get pushy and keep asking, but it at least relieves you of having to answer in person (especially if they know you struggle with saying no in those situations). And hopefully when they ask again, perhaps it's via email or text or whatever, and you can then give them the official "no." You could also always preempt them asking again by writing an email after and saying, "I thought about what you asked and the answer is no."