She told me to "shut up"

Lilyloo · December 27, 2021, 09:56:02 AM

Hello Everyone! I haven't been here in awhile. Things have been calm as far as my Mom. I don't engage other than just small talk with her. She still sends long messages all about herself. Each one has a hope you are ok at the very end.

I learned much here from all of you on how to deal with it all.

I had to write about what happened Christmas Eve day. I don't do much Christmas with anyone except my children, grand kids and husband. My Mother kept hounding me that she had some gifts. She refused the covid vaccination and at 85 I think she should have taken the shots. I don't push. Its her choice but I keep my distance. I said I would come to her house and since it was a 70 degree day here, I said meet outside. She stood in her doorway handing me items. She had no box for all of the things. I kept dropping and I would take 2 at a time to my car. My Mom shops the dollar stores which is fine by me. I love those stores too. Being dollar items there were quite few. She had just complained to me about paying her electric bill, so I , in a very kind way I said "mom I wish you hadn't spent your money on us"

Now I have said this to my kids also. Never did I get from them what my mother said to me. In a very loud sharp way she said "just shut up" then said "you never listen and you ignore me" I stood kinda shocked. My brother and his wife had stopped in. They heard every word. I've tried to tell them how she is so mean to me. I don't think they ever believed. They heard it loud and clear. I simply said "Merry Christmas" to mom and got in my car. My brother stood by my car and talked He said she doesn't speak to him that way . Well for sure she doesn't! The 3 boys never got treated as I do. I am the bad daughter

I drove home, and by that time I was really upset. I kept trying to figure what I had done so wrong. She proceeded to send long messages about being sorry, but saying it was me who had ignored her. It was not a true I'm sorry from her in any way. She is not capable and it all turns to how I caused it

. It was full of how she has a bad couple of weeks coming up, she has a lot on her, her life is not good....blah blah blah. It was please forgive me, but.... there's that same old but she always adds, laced with accusations and pointing to me as guilty!!

I have many times even said to my husband "you shouldn't have spent so much" No SHUT UP from him

I just wanted to run this by all of you. I am still very angry. How lovely she did that on Christmas Eve. Then again, it's been my entire life with mom. the snarky little comments and jabs. Thank you for listening I hope the holiday is calm and peaceful for each of you

bloomie · December 27, 2021, 11:00:19 AM

LindaLoo - I am imagining this scene as you dutifully load up her gifts and your mother's rude and entitled treatment of you. I am really sorry this happened and am thankful for the validation from your brother, that this is intentional treatment as she does not speak to others this way.

Do you think you will respond to her 'apologies'? How have you considered handling your mother's verbal and emotional abuse?

Cat of the Canals · December 27, 2021, 12:52:13 PM

Quote from: bloomie on December 27, 2021, 11:00:19 AM
LindaLoo - I am imagining this scene as you dutifully load up her gifts and your mother's rude and entitled treatment of you. I am really sorry this happened and am thankful for the validation from your brother, that this is intentional treatment as she does not speak to others this way.

This. I'm sorry you received yet another helping of abuse (and on a holiday, no less), but at least someone else finally heard it and could say, "What was that all about????" I think your brother confirmed right then and there that you hadn't done anything wrong. Well, aside from existing, I guess, if you think like a PD.

I think I'd consider protecting all future holidays for your mother. If this is how she's going to treat you, she can wait a few days after Christmas (or perhaps even after the New Year) to have her gifts collected. That way you can enjoy the holidays in peace with your chosen family, without worrying that some nasty comment from her is going to send you into an emotional tailspin.

moglow · December 27, 2021, 01:16:24 PM

LindaLoo, I'm pissed off for you!! There's no need for her to talk to you/anyone that way, much less on a holiday. How many of us have said the same in similar circumstances, that you shouldn't have done this etc. I'm oddly glad your brother witnessed it and acknowledged it with you. There's NEVER an excuse for that kind of rudeness but I'm glad he got to hear it in action.

Fauxpology from her or not, it's just not right. Don't complain to me that you're having trouble paying your bills then hand me gifts like I somehow have paid for whatever treatment you dish out!! I'm sorry she's struggling but so are a lot of other people. AND you went to her house to receive that from her!!

For many years I went through much of the same - my mother simply didn't treat my brothers that way. No they wouldn't have tolerated it but still, they never saw it. Only in the past several years has she done similar things to them, while trying to make it all somehow *my* fault. Um no. But they get it finally.

My suggestion: if you haven't already, stand up for yourself and tell her there's no excuse or "justification" for the way she spoke to you Christmas eve. Period. She can either learn how to treat people with courtesy and kindness, or she can be alone. You don't have to take it and you don't have to roll over for it. Really, you don't. You're an adult and due just as much good manners and decency as every other person on the planet.

lkdrymom · December 27, 2021, 05:15:10 PM

I would have texted back "Are you apologizing for your behavior or trying to justify it?"

Give her a time-out. No contact for a week.

Lilyloo · December 28, 2021, 06:58:13 AM

Thank you everyone! I appreciate the kind words and advice. I'm feeling numb and can't even process it. If I confront she will send nasty messages and guilt me more. I knew I should not go around her, but she would have come to my house, and I had no escape. I can't even tell you how much it means to have a safe place here to vent. When I read your replies I feel validation. I've never had that my whole life. I'm so grateful. I just want mom to leave me alone.

moglow · December 28, 2021, 07:40:22 AM

You don't have to accept the guilt, LindaLoo. It's not yours. Sounds like mine, confront demanding that she accept responsibility for her nasty behavior and she turns it on you. You STILL don't have to accept it. That's what she expects, that you roll over for it. What if you dont? She gets mad, again? She threatens - what? You're an adult with your own family. You're certainly held accountable for your behavior, and plenty that isn't yours at all.

What if you told her, if that's the best you can do I need you to leave me alone for a while. There's no excuse for the way you treated me at Christmas, or any other day. I'm done being treated like I don't matter. I won't be calling nor will I answer yours, not until I feel better about this.

bloomie · December 28, 2021, 11:25:56 AM

LindaLoo - your mother has created an atmosphere of risk (emotional and verbal abuse carefully timed) along with the false narrative that you have no escape from her and no recourse when she either verbally abuses you or barges into your home. I imagine this atmosphere of risk has been present all of your life.

I say this as gently as I know how... no one has the right to abuse you, enter or threaten to show up at your home without your consent, demand and mistreat you or anyone in your family. You can choose to empower yourself in whatever way is in line with your own core values.

Sometimes empowering ourselves is stepping away from a parent who is disrespectful and mean spirited toward us. Taking a break from contact without a single solitary word. She knows what she has done and leaving the anguish and pain of that on her and refusing to take it up and carry it on your back is healthy and right. And believe it or not... that is what love actually looks like. Love for yourself and for her. Because loving people do not allow others to mistreat them and swirl in their toxic stew and absorb all of the pain 'for them'.

Sometimes empowering ourselves is speaking our truth... one time even if it will fall on deaf ears, and taking steps to remove someone's ability to contact you or even reduce the avenues of ways they can contact you for a period of time or indefinitely.

Sometimes empowering ourselves is responding to an apology we are not convinced is sincere by simply stating what we will do should this ever happen again... and then following through and doing it.

Those my own very similar elder perceives as in a position to 'serve' her... us, waitstaff, clerks, etc., receive this kind of treatment even when in the midst us giving help and support such as you were offering your mother. In our own case, our elder is VERY strategic in who, how, and when she shows the mean and entitled side of herself.

You can choose to resign your position as scape goat and dutiful daughter and figure out what works for you going forward. This is your very own one life and living with the specter of this mistreatment over your head - and the very real pain of being singled out for this - is really hard and I am just so sorry you did not receive the love and appreciation you so deserve. My heart grieves for you.

Lilyloo · December 28, 2021, 02:41:10 PM

Yes bloomie it has been all my life. I'm not going to respond to any messages. So much abuse from her for years. I am going to leave the pain and anguish on her. That is such good advice! Like your elder mine also is very strategic in who sees the mean side. Everything you said is so spot on. Thank You. I will be strong.

Lilyloo · December 28, 2021, 02:49:28 PM

Moglow, you're right,the guilt is not mine. It never has been. There was never a time that her rages were my fault. Yes so what if she gets mad again. I do not have to take it! I'm not responding for awhile but when I do my voice that's been silent won't be. I'm taking time to get rid of this stress. When I feel strong, I will I promise you not be her doormat again. Thank you!! You are so right about all of it. I feel hopeful that I can stand up.

Sneezy · December 28, 2021, 05:00:49 PM

LindaLoo - I am so sorry that your mother treats you with this kind of disrespect. It isn't right. My mother has been downright nasty and mean to me at times. She will be all miserable and complaining, and then her phone will ring and it's my brother and mom does a 180-degree turnaround and is all sugary-sweet to him. It's just not right. I feel for you. It's disheartening to be on the receiving end of all their bad feelings.

As others have said, give your mom a timeout. It sounds like you need a break from her. And when you go back, keep those boundaries up - hugs to you!

Lilyloo · December 28, 2021, 05:31:05 PM

Sneezy, Thank you. I'm sorry you have this same kind of mother. My mom treats my middle brother all sugary sweet too. It sure is wrong! She also treats her daughter in law sweetly. I think I'm just about done with it all. It's to draining and stressful. Your kindness means so much

Hilltop · December 28, 2021, 08:50:19 PM

Lindaloo my mother also gives a lot of snarky comments and shows disrespect. It's so hard because usually no one is around and so I have struggled on with the relationship, hoping to make it better but feeling so misunderstood, disrespected and hurt. My mother would never do this in front of another and I'm so glad your brother witnessed this treatment. I dare say the apology has come because he said something to her and she was caught out. I would imagine it would have been hurtful to hear your brother confirm that he doesn't get treated that way. Yes it is validation but it's also hurtful to have those fears confirmed. My parents treat my sister so differently, they wouldn't treat her the way they treat me and I find this difference very hurtful. There was no need for her to lash out in such a rude way.

I would say you don't need to reply if you don't want to. It would appear the behaviour has been going on many years and it's doubtful that she is going to stop it now. I am glad you have said you won't be silent. I have also started to pull myself away from the role of scapegoat and understanding that I don't have to accept this role. If my parents want to see me this way, that is their choosing, it isn't mine. I reject the scapegoat role (well learning to reject it).

You don't need to accept this treatment, you don't deserve this abuse. You did nothing wrong, you were being kind and caring and during a holiday she decided to try to take a swipe at you and unleash her unhappiness onto you. You really don't deserve that. I like the idea of empowering yourself and I hope you find avenue's that work for you. I think really understanding that we don't have to accept this, is important and something I too often forget.

Lilyloo · December 29, 2021, 06:36:49 AM

Hilltop, Thank You! I'm so sorry your mom does the same. It's just so sad isn't it. Yes, I'm sure my brother called her out. I was grateful he was there. His new wife babies mom, so that's causing me to feel that she doesn't like me. Maybe it's just my insecurities over reacting. I know it's hurtful to you that your sister gets treated so differently. I will never understand it. Mom kept messaging. I replied that I've been busy, have a good day. Now she's sending stuff about dogs and animals. If it continues I'm going to block her. I have just enough anger left to stay strong this time. Thank you so much. This forum and all of you are making a huge difference.

Lilyloo · December 29, 2021, 06:39:38 AM

If I've missed anyone, know that I'm grateful for each one of you. I'm feeling blue but you are all so helpful and I do think I can be stronger now

moglow · December 29, 2021, 08:15:24 AM

QuoteNow she's sending stuff about dogs and animals.

I swear there must be a playbook. Show their ass and treat people badly, apologize (or if not called on it and forced to apologize, let a little time pass), then send neutral silly crap trying to resume "normalcy" until the next senseless outburst. Lather rinse repeat.

I do hope you remember these situations and can find the inner strength to, if you don't feel able to confront directly, walk away from the situation without another word. Leave the table, the house, and the conversation, drop her at her door without any pleasantries. You can decline future visits and errand running - no excuses, you're just not available. Invitations? A polite No thank you, and you go on with your day.

The only true apology is changed behaviour. Excuses, justifications, rug sweeping don't get it. If she can treat your brothers better and not speak to them that way, she can do better by you. It's time. You don't have to make an issue of it but for damn sure can quietly say, No.

Lilyloo · December 29, 2021, 02:46:17 PM

Moglow, isn't that the truth, lather, rinse. repeat!! She does it every single time!! The only reason she sent the so called apology was my brother must have said something to her. His new wife makes him visit mom. They can do that and hope they have fun !! I am taking your advice. This time was it, I will not he treated like a nothing!!! Thank you again!!