Where waifiness ends and real distress begins

[Boat Babe]

Xmas with uBPDmum is almost over and it's been bearable (just). Mum waifs for England and I just grey rock it now and don't get too upset by it. However, she is 89 and genuinely frail and vulnerable. Also, her lifetime of disordered thinking has left her so mentally "poor" that even when she's on best behaviour it's excruciating to witness and interact with. I feel genuine pity for her, for all the missed chances, poor decisions and petty problems. Then, ten minutes later, I want to bloody strangle her because she's doing her BPD thing again. 

She's staying with me for the holidays and I introduced her to my delightful neighbour. Once he'd left she made a really nasty remark about an aspect of his body. The guy had been utterly charming to her and she only sees a physical "imperfection".

Sending support and solidarity with all of us who suffer because of our PD relatives and partners.  Onwards and sideways!!!

[moglow]

You really do have my mother, don't you??? I'm so sorry, awful to see it when someone being nice and for no good reason the PD pulls out the "better than you" card.

Mine used to cling to me when we were anywhere, an incessant mumble under her breath of this or that person and continual putdowns or mocking of whoever was around, whether she knew them or not. The instant we were out of earshot off she'd go, slaughtering every and anything she could take potshots at.

And she/they wonder why we don't find them a joy to be around ... 

[Cat of the Canals]

Luckily PDmom and PDmil aren't in frail territory yet, but I know it's only a matter of time. And I must confess, if I think about it for too long, I get a bit anxious. I've always been the "caretaker" type, and I worry that genuine health problems will lead to me getting sucked into the waif pit. But for now, PDmom is such a queen she is barely willing to acknowledge that she is reaching old age. But PDmil will pipe up with the odd, "I'm no spring chicken, you know!" and "I won't be around forever!" So if that's any indication of what's to come, I imagine it will only get worse.

PDmil also makes wildly inappropriate, judgmental, and shallow remarks about people who have only shown her kindness. And like moglow's mother, then wonders why no one is chomping at the bit to spend time with her. Tis a mystery!

[moglow]

Cat, my mother has said both in voicemails and on the phone "one day you'll have to go to [old family church cemetary] to talk to me. I wonder how you'll feel then." Guarandamntee I still hear her voice in my head but thankfully it'll dim with time. But still, the assumption I'll go sit and talk with her, really? It's not happening now, so no.

[lkdrymom]

Did you call her out on the remark?  My grandmother was like that and no one said a word to her because they were afraid of her wrath.  I was a dumb kid and would tell her she was rude.  Noticed she didn't mouth off to me as much as she did to others.

[wisingup]

However, she is 89 and genuinely frail and vulnerable. Also, her lifetime of disordered thinking has left her so mentally "poor" that even when she's on best behaviour it's excruciating to witness and interact with. I feel genuine pity for her, for all the missed chances, poor decisions and petty problems. Then, ten minutes later, I want to bloody strangle her because she's doing her BPD thing again.

Oh, I feel this.  I spent this morning taking uBPDm to the first of 3 doctor's appointments this week.  Today's was mid-day, but tomorrow's is at 9:00 AM and she complained for a while about how early that is & she usually doesn't get up until 8:00.  I called her out on this, saying that I'm spending three days of my vacation taking her to the doctor and all she's doing is complaining.  She looked a bit stricken and apologized.  From that point on, she went to the far opposite attitude, trying to re-gain my "favor".  Suddenly everything she saw out the car window was fascinating & had to be commented about, she asked questions she already knew the answer to just to get me to talk, & re-told a bunch of stories about when my kids were little. 

I found this "fawning" side of her just as irritating as the negative, if not more so.  It felt so fake & manipulative, and very, very childish.  She so wants to be taken care of & parented, and I so do NOT want to do it.  It's not a good dynamic for either of us.  She offered to buy me lunch after the appointment, but the last thing I wanted was more time with her so I declined, saying I wanted to spend some of my vacation time doing the things I need to get done for myself.  Back for more fun tomorrow!

[Sneezy]

I feel genuine pity for her, for all the missed chances, poor decisions and petty problems. Then, ten minutes later, I want to bloody strangle her because she's doing her BPD thing again. 

Oh, I so get this!!!  My mom is never happy, and I think it's because she just focuses on the negative and disregards all the postives.  She gets distressed over the most petty of problems.  I picked her up on Christmas Eve Day around 1 and it really was a pretty good Christmas, if I do say so myself    We decorated cookies, made old family recipes, went to church, opened gifts, and just had a wonderful evening.  Then on Christmas Day, we went to another relative's house and had even better food.

So ....... on December 26 (what some of you all call Boxing Day), Mom called me three times before I was even out of bed (thank goodness for the do-not-disturb setting on my phone) to let me know that her stomach hurt and she was just miserable.  Welp, Mom, that's what happens when you indulge for a couple days.  Eat some bland food and drink some ginger ale.  But no, I had to promise to call regularly to check on her stomach.  Because an upset stomach is a BIG DEAL and a caring daughter would want regular updates on her mother's digestive health.  I didn't call as directed, and I'm sure she's mad at me, but I am just over her petty complaints.

[Boat Babe]

Did you call her out on the remark?  My grandmother was like that and no one said a word to her because they were afraid of her wrath.  I was a dumb kid and would tell her she was rude.  Noticed she didn't mouth off to me as much as she did to others.

Oh yeah. Her line when I call her out on her crap is to say that I am the only person who does this and that she can say what she likes around her friends. The killer is that she doesn't have any friends.

[Boat Babe]

Thank you all. I feel so much less alone with this.

[p123]

My Dads the same - never got a nice word to say about anyone.
He also manages to be sexist, racist, homophobic all in one go as well. And thinks its ok.

Hes 87 but fine. Can waif to the max. Ambulances no longer come when he calls them (so many times). His Doctor now refuses to do home visits (same reason). I now stop going after probably 20 "chest pain/I cant breathe" phone calls.

Made my peace with it. One day we'll find him dead in the chair and it'll be "Oops he was ill this time". Will I feel bad - NOPE 100% NO WAY.

[Cat of the Canals]

He also manages to be sexist, racist, homophobic all in one go as well. And thinks its ok.

PDmil's favorite way to cap off one of these types of remarks is, "I'm sorry, but it's true."

It's like she thinks adding that at the end somehow makes her comment less offensive???

[Boat Babe]

He also manages to be sexist, racist, homophobic all in one go as well. And thinks its ok.

PDmil's favorite way to cap off one of these types of remarks is, "I'm sorry, but it's true."

It's like she thinks adding that at the end somehow makes her comment less offensive???

My mother ripped into my young adult son on a train journey. He didn't speak to her for two years on the back of that, it was so bad. I tried really hard to get my mother to see what she'd done so that she would apologize and heal the rift. Nah. After finally getting her to admit to what she'd said, she shrugged and said "Well, it was true"

[p123]

He also manages to be sexist, racist, homophobic all in one go as well. And thinks its ok.

PDmil's favorite way to cap off one of these types of remarks is, "I'm sorry, but it's true."

It's like she thinks adding that at the end somehow makes her comment less offensive???

Dads is "but it says in the bible". This is his big one about being gay........ Which he thinks is the worse thing you can be. Sometimes wish I was - I wouldnt have to speak to him then!

[Boat Babe]

He also manages to be sexist, racist, homophobic all in one go as well. And thinks its ok.

PDmil's favorite way to cap off one of these types of remarks is, "I'm sorry, but it's true."

It's like she thinks adding that at the end somehow makes her comment less offensive???

Dads is "but it says in the bible". This is his big one about being gay........ Which he thinks is the worse thing you can be. Sometimes wish I was - I wouldnt have to speak to him then!

Does he eat shellfish? That's also an abomination 😄

[lkdrymom]

Hes 87 but fine. Can waif to the max. Ambulances no longer come when he calls them (so many times). His Doctor now refuses to do home visits (same reason). I now stop going after probably 20 "chest pain/I cant breathe" phone calls.

Made my peace with it. One day we'll find him dead in the chair and it'll be "Oops he was ill this time". Will I feel bad - NOPE 100% NO WAY.

I used to say that about all my father's fake illnesses.  One of these days he is going to be right.  The crazy thing is, when he finally really was ill I don't think he realized the end was actually coming.

[p123]

Hes 87 but fine. Can waif to the max. Ambulances no longer come when he calls them (so many times). His Doctor now refuses to do home visits (same reason). I now stop going after probably 20 "chest pain/I cant breathe" phone calls.

Made my peace with it. One day we'll find him dead in the chair and it'll be "Oops he was ill this time". Will I feel bad - NOPE 100% NO WAY.

I used to say that about all my father's fake illnesses.  One of these days he is going to be right.  The crazy thing is, when he finally really was ill I don't think he realized the end was actually coming.

Same. It'll be impossible to tell if its fake or not. Even the GP and ambulance crews know him now....