mourning the family I never had

[desertpine]

Hi all -
this is such a hard time of year for everyone with a loved one with a PD. I feel a deep level of sadness, a type of mourning I think. I've been NC with my brother for years, with my uNPD sister for over a year and LC with my parents for over a year. It's just so sad. Of course, there is a small part of me that wants to call and wish my family happy holidays or that they would call me to say the same. There is some brief texting with my uNPDM - the pleasantries mostly. But my uOCPDD doesn't text and doesn't talk on the phone. Occasionally,  he will send a short email.  I feel indifferent about my brother - he has always been like a ghost, rarely seen. I feel at peace with being NC with my sister - she tends to rage and it scares me.  I have not seen my family in years. They live quite a distance away and for that, I feel grateful.
I miss the family I never had but I know many others are feeling that way too. And that does make it feel a bit better  - in a way it's like having a family that I could never imagine. Kinda poetic, right?
Anyway, best wishes to everyone here for a safe and peace filled beginning to 2022.

[JustKathy]

Hi desertpine,

I understand this completely. My brother was also a ghost to me, only seen on Christmas Day with no contact in between. Also like you, my sister has become a raging narc who scares me. Both parents have now passed away.

I experience the same grief and mourning every year. Not mourning the loss of my family as much as mourning the family I never had, or mourning the changes I had hoped would take place but never did. No one else can understand that unless they've lived it. I'm so grateful for this forum. I hate that others are suffering in the same way, but there's a lot of comfort in knowing we're not alone.

Wishing you all the best for 2022. You're not alone.

[Hilltop]

I feel like I watched all these normal families around me these holidays and I just kept thinking I was the only one with a family like mine.  I know this isn't true but the holidays are hard.  NC with sister, VLC with parents, NC with extended family.  Then I turn to my in-laws and BIL is NC with entire family, MIL and FIL haven't always been nice although in recent years have improved immensely.  I think mainly for selfish reasons such as getting older and the rest of the family cutting off contact but I suppose it's something.

We did go to the beach this year and as I swam on Christmas day I looked at the sand and I saw such an array of different groups and it did help a little.  There were a few people alone, couples, a man with his dad, larger family groups, families of four with mum/dad and the kids, friends.  At this point in the day seeing other people enjoying the day in their various groups really made me feel somewhat normal and the ocean is very therapeutic.  Then I went home and cooked a Christmas dinner for Dh and I and again felt low that there weren't family to celebrate with.  It just feels like a day to be shared with others.  Our friends go to their families.

I'm so grateful for the support on this forum, I come here and feel like I am definitely not alone in dealing with this.  I am hoping you are starting to feel a little better as the holidays move away and the New Year comes.  I'm hoping 2022 will be moving towards acceptance for many of us and finding our own little tribe who we love being with.

[daughter]

We adult-children if of-disordered parents react differently to our dysfunctional FOO Family childhood upbringings, and our fractured families are often net result.  You're not alone in feeling "alone". Me too. However, the "alonedness" doesn't make me want to reengsge with them, because I know "no good deed goes unpunished" under these circumstances.  I've also come to realize that many seemingly "big happy family" portrayals are airbrushed versions of their own actual family dynamics, like much of Facebook characterizations are.

[mary_poppins]

I don't think we lose a family by letting our FOO go. We actually didn't have any family with them. It was just an idea of a family concocted by PD mother/father.

My father was just bragging to a friend the other day how all his children are at home from other countries/cities and we all gathered together 'as a family' to eat well. He was lying of course to protect his own image. Truth is, we never acted like a family. We were more a cult than a family.

Alan Robarge said in a youtube video that because adult children of abusive families were never raised by a loving family, they were in a relationship with an idea of their parents, thus we were in mourning all our lives because, instead of having a real relationship, we were abandoned emotionally and left to figure life for ourselves. When we cut ties with the 'idea' of how we wanted our PD family to be with us (maybe loving, caring, interested in us), we can truly cut ties with the strangers that raised us, too.

Keeping in touch with these strangers for the sake of duty or to avoid loneliness is very damaging, at least to me. These strangers have also been strangers to themselves, since they never developed a self. And yes, just like Fjelstadt says in her book, 'Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist', the PD person is mentally ill. They are simply not there fully in their own mind. And we cannot do anything to change that.

[Hazy111]

I don't think we lose a family by letting our FOO go. We actually didn't have any family with them. It was just an idea of a family concocted by PD mother/father.

My father was just bragging to a friend the other day how all his children are at home from other countries/cities and we all gathered together 'as a family' to eat well. He was lying of course to protect his own image. Truth is, we never acted like a family. We were more a cult than a family.

Alan Robarge said in a youtube video that because adult children of abusive families were never raised by a loving family, they were in a relationship with an idea of their parents, thus we were in mourning all our lives because, instead of having a real relationship, we were abandoned emotionally and left to figure life for ourselves. When we cut ties with the 'idea' of how we wanted our PD family to be with us (maybe loving, caring, interested in us), we can truly cut ties with the strangers that raised us, too.

Keeping in touch with these strangers for the sake of duty or to avoid loneliness is very damaging, at least to me. These strangers have also been strangers to themselves, since they never developed a self. And yes, just like Fjelstadt says in her book, 'Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist', the PD person is mentally ill. They are simply not there fully in their own mind. And we cannot do anything to change that.

[chowder]

You are definitely not alone.  I, too, mourn the loss of the family I never had, and wish for the family I always wanted.  Not the one I had growing up, but a normal one with respect and love and support.  It is particularly poignant this time of year when families gather together, and I have nothing.  There are get-togethers on H's side, but in a way that only makes me feel swallowed up, so to speak, since everything is so very one-sided.  His family is large, loud and dominant, and there were times he would insist on seeing them three times within the one week between Christmas and New Year's.  (Thankfully, due to distance, that no longer happens.)  It was overwhelming, and I always dreaded the holidays.  I would pine for even one visit on my side, but that was not to be, due to boundaries I had to set in place.  And as people talk of sharing their holidays with both sides of their families and alternating visits, I feel a definite void, with no equal time or balancing out.

I am grateful for the boundaries I set in place with FOO, however, since it provided for a more peaceful life the rest of the year.  They left me no choice, and shame on them for that.   They took away so much from me.  Now that they are all gone, I have the comfort of knowing they can never abuse, manipulate and hurt me or my FOC again.  And that is one last thing that they can never, ever take away from me.

Blessings to you.   You are not alone.   Wishing you peace as this holiday season winds to an end.  And thank you to all others on this board for the assurance that I'm not alone, either.

[JustKathy]

My father was just bragging to a friend the other day how all his children are at home from other countries/cities and we all gathered together 'as a family' to eat well. He was lying of course to protect his own image. Truth is, we never acted like a family. We were more a cult than a family.

It took me a long time to figure out that our family Christmas gatherings were really just performances to make my mother look good. She'd buy a ridiculous amount of gifts, often junk items from the dollar store, then wrap them in large boxes so the presents were stacked to the ceiling. She'd have my father record it and put together a video with some sappy Disney music in the background, then send copies to extended family members in other parts of the country. Christmas was by far the most important day of the year for her. It had nothing to do with her family and everything to do with her image.

[chowder]

Yup.  My mother was all "for show."