Dads gross behaviour....

[p123]

Trigger alert here its not cool.....

Went to put something in the bin for him. Came back into the living room/kitchen area and hes got his trousers around his ankles and hes peeing into a bottle. He then tips it into the sink!!!!

I said Dad! what are you doing thats gross! Admitted he always did this rather than go to the bathroom because it was easier. Ewwwwwww......
His answer I'm 87 so what?

I mean I'm there in the house. If there was no-one at home but he knew I'd be back. Ewwww....

Am I right to be a big grossed out by this? And pouring into your sink??

[Hilltop]

Oh, that is disgusting and gross.  I think the peeing in a bottle is normal for older men, my FIL has a bottle.  He sometimes can't move quick enough to the toilet at night so he has a bottle but he empties it in the toilet.

What about all the plates and dishes that go there, washing up.  I don't know what to say about this but I would have been disturbed as well.  I don't think I would be able to eat or drink at his place again.

[Cat of the Canals]

Yeah it's one thing to have a portable urinal (not super uncommon with the elderly)... but it's another thing to be using it in broad view of visitors and then emptying it in the kitchen sink.

I wonder if this is another weaponized incompetence game. Similar to when he claims he can't walk and needs you to carry him. This time, he can't make it to the bathroom and must resort to peeing in a bottle. It's like he thinks if he appears desperate/pathetic enough, you'll volunteer to be his caretaker.

Or maybe he's just being kinda gross. 

[Sneezy]

Has your father had a neurological assessment?  Does he have dementia?  Just asking because my in-laws are currently staying with us (stay tuned for my long rant) and I have definitely noticed some decline in their bathroom habits.  As in, I've already had to throw one bath mat in the trash because the urine smell won't come out.  Toileting problems are not pleasant, but they are also something that happens with people when they have dementia.  I don't know what the senior living options are like where you live, but could it be time to look into assisted living?  Do you think your father would agree?

[square]

My dad spent his last three years in assisted living and all the men used bottles. I don't think an older man using a pee bottle is a reason to consider a home.

Using one in front of you is super rude and weird and gross and shows contempt. That might be a reason to consider a home.

[p123]

Oh, that is disgusting and gross.  I think the peeing in a bottle is normal for older men, my FIL has a bottle.  He sometimes can't move quick enough to the toilet at night so he has a bottle but he empties it in the toilet.

What about all the plates and dishes that go there, washing up.  I don't know what to say about this but I would have been disturbed as well.  I don't think I would be able to eat or drink at his place again.

Ha ha never have a cup of tea at Dads!!!!!

[p123]

Yeah it's one thing to have a portable urinal (not super uncommon with the elderly)... but it's another thing to be using it in broad view of visitors and then emptying it in the kitchen sink.

I wonder if this is another weaponized incompetence game. Similar to when he claims he can't walk and needs you to carry him. This time, he can't make it to the bathroom and must resort to peeing in a bottle. It's like he thinks if he appears desperate/pathetic enough, you'll volunteer to be his caretaker.

Or maybe he's just being kinda gross. 

Never thought of that - maybe.....

Its not that he cant get to the bathroom he just cant be bothered but surely, if theres someone in the house then you have to behave better. I mean I might sit around in my boxers but not if I've got visitors!

I remember years ago when he peed himself in my car - we were staying in a hotel. We wanted me  to undress him and wash him in the shower. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ewwww......

[p123]

Has your father had a neurological assessment?  Does he have dementia?  Just asking because my in-laws are currently staying with us (stay tuned for my long rant) and I have definitely noticed some decline in their bathroom habits.  As in, I've already had to throw one bath mat in the trash because the urine smell won't come out.  Toileting problems are not pleasant, but they are also something that happens with people when they have dementia.  I don't know what the senior living options are like where you live, but could it be time to look into assisted living?  Do you think your father would agree?

I've tried for years. No joy out of his GP - remember we've had hassles with him calling them all the time?

All they've said is no hes fine.

[Sneezy]

I've tried for years. No joy out of his GP - remember we've had hassles with him calling them all the time?

All they've said is no hes fine.

That's right, you've said before he keeps calling the doctors.  In that case, I think Cat might be right.  This is "weaponized incompetence," designed to make you feel sorry for him and/or volunteer to be his caretaker.  My mom does some similar things when she is being waify.  She will ask me to fix her hair or help her put makeup on.  She is perfectly capable of doing these things herself, and she knows I'm not a hands-on type of person (other than my kids when they were young, I've never enjoyed doing someone else's personal care stuff, like brushing hair, etc.).  It's mom's way of accentuating how old and frail and helpless she is.  Your dad is trying to point out that he's a helpless old man who needs his son to stop by and care for him. 

As you've noted, you might want to reconsider having a cup of tea at your dad's place 

[Andeza]

I think we can safely guess that p123's Dad's endgame, his biggest goal in life, is to have p123 move in with him, abandon his wife and kids, and take care of him until he croaks.

[Sneezy]

I think we can safely guess that p123's Dad's endgame, his biggest goal in life, is to have p123 move in with him, abandon his wife and kids, and take care of him until he croaks.

With a hospital bed in the living room, too, right?  Didn't Woman Interrupted always say a hospital bed in the main room was the "holy grail" for her parents? 

[p123]

I think we can safely guess that p123's Dad's endgame, his biggest goal in life, is to have p123 move in with him, abandon his wife and kids, and take care of him until he croaks.

Oh hes tried his best in the past... Hence why my wife doesnt speak to him....

Jeez - imagine that. Im gonna have nightmares tonight now!

[Hilltop]

I can't believe he wanted you to shower him, he would have had to have been capable of that when he asked you.  This is so disturbing on so many levels, even peeing when he had visitors over but he obviously thinks you're his son, so you are different.  I mean if  he wanted you to shower him then peeing in front of you would be nothing for him.

I really don't know what to make of any of it, but this is a lot to take.  The only thing I can safely say is that yes you have every right to be thoroughly grossed out. 

[GentleSoul]

Trigger alert here its not cool.....

Went to put something in the bin for him. Came back into the living room/kitchen area and hes got his trousers around his ankles and hes peeing into a bottle. He then tips it into the sink!!!!

I said Dad! what are you doing thats gross! Admitted he always did this rather than go to the bathroom because it was easier. Ewwwwwww......
His answer I'm 87 so what?

I mean I'm there in the house. If there was no-one at home but he knew I'd be back. Ewwww....

Am I right to be a big grossed out by this? And pouring into your sink??

TRIGGER WARNING ON MY POST. PLEASE TAKE CARE. xx

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for sharing this.  MY DAD DID THIS TOO.

I found it very shameful.  As well as disgusting.  Not the using a bottle part of it, I can understand that an older person would find this a help if their mobility is limited.  Fine, no problem.

It is the tipping it in the kitchen sink part.  My late dad used to leave his dishes to drain so then poured the urine bottle into the sink and thereby splashing the dishes.  The ones he used for us to eat off. 

The other horrible part was walking into his kitchen and finding him peeing into the bottle.  Openly.  Didn't care who saw.  He was often stood right in front of the kitchen window too.

To me as well there was always an underlaying creepy weird perverted vibe to it, as if he got a sick kick out of being caught with his penis out. Like a horrible power trip dynamic.  Weaponised too.  It felt to me that the whole thing was not just about an elderly person who struggled to get to the bathroom. 

Awful awful awful awful awful awful awful.

Wow, as I write this I am feeling sick in my stomach and started to sweat.  A release of shame, I think.  Some healing. 

Obviously with all of that, I stopped visiting him in his home.  Opted for a very fast visit at his local coffee shop.  He was an alcoholic too so meeting early morning on neutral ground with no alcohol available was a good idea.

Do you know, the person I am today would not have wasted my energy on accommodating him and his foulness.  I would have just cut him out of my life in an instant.  No Contact. 

Looking back as the strong  healing person I am today,  I wouldn't give that man the time of day.

Thank you, P123, for having the courage to share this.  Your courage allowed me to share and release pain too.

All the best to you, Lee xx

[square]

I had mentioned my dad was in assisted living and I know men using bottles was common if not universal there - because the staff and also another family mentioned it.

But I definitely did not see anyone using one!! To be clear!!

My father was in a wheelchair and if he needed the facilities during our visits, he'd wheel his way through several doors to use the bathroom properly, with the door closed. Even with dementia!

THAT'S NORMAL!!

[Cat of the Canals]

My father was in a wheelchair and if he needed the facilities during our visits, he'd wheel his way through several doors to use the bathroom properly, with the door closed. Even with dementia!

THAT'S NORMAL!!

Because most people have a lot of dignity when it comes to these things. The notion of having to go to the bathroom in front of someone else or having a family member bathe you is something most people would go great lengths to avoid.

[p123]

Trigger alert here its not cool.....

Went to put something in the bin for him. Came back into the living room/kitchen area and hes got his trousers around his ankles and hes peeing into a bottle. He then tips it into the sink!!!!

I said Dad! what are you doing thats gross! Admitted he always did this rather than go to the bathroom because it was easier. Ewwwwwww......
His answer I'm 87 so what?

I mean I'm there in the house. If there was no-one at home but he knew I'd be back. Ewwww....

Am I right to be a big grossed out by this? And pouring into your sink??

TRIGGER WARNING ON MY POST. PLEASE TAKE CARE. xx

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for sharing this.  MY DAD DID THIS TOO.

I found it very shameful.  As well as disgusting.  Not the using a bottle part of it, I can understand that an older person would find this a help if their mobility is limited.  Fine, no problem.

It is the tipping it in the kitchen sink part.  My late dad used to leave his dishes to drain so then poured the urine bottle into the sink and thereby splashing the dishes.  The ones he used for us to eat off. 

The other horrible part was walking into his kitchen and finding him peeing into the bottle.  Openly.  Didn't care who saw.  He was often stood right in front of the kitchen window too.

To me as well there was always an underlaying creepy weird perverted vibe to it, as if he got a sick kick out of being caught with his penis out. Like a horrible power trip dynamic.  Weaponised too.  It felt to me that the whole thing was not just about an elderly person who struggled to get to the bathroom. 

Awful awful awful awful awful awful awful.

Wow, as I write this I am feeling sick in my stomach and started to sweat.  A release of shame, I think.  Some healing. 

Obviously with all of that, I stopped visiting him in his home.  Opted for a very fast visit at his local coffee shop.  He was an alcoholic too so meeting early morning on neutral ground with no alcohol available was a good idea.

Do you know, the person I am today would not have wasted my energy on accommodating him and his foulness.  I would have just cut him out of my life in an instant.  No Contact. 

Looking back as the strong  healing person I am today,  I wouldn't give that man the time of day.

Thank you, P123, for having the courage to share this.  Your courage allowed me to share and release pain too.

All the best to you, Lee xx

Hi Lee - glad I could help....

With Dad it IS deffo a power trip thing. I sometimes think he does it when he doesnt need to go. Almost as if to say, look I'm old, I can do what I want sort of thing....

Yeh the dishes in the sink. Same. ewwww.

His personal hygiene was the same. Shower once a week max. He really does hum. His answer "well when I was younger we had no running water so you had none of this shower thing". And "well its just me here so who cares".

You may have seen the story about our weekend away years ago. (where he peed himself multiple times in my car). He didnt want to spend money on pads and said it'd be ok on the 3 hour journey home if he peed (i.e. sat there humming the entire journey home) because "its just us two". Same atittude I think. You can bet he would have peed either way.

[p123]

My father was in a wheelchair and if he needed the facilities during our visits, he'd wheel his way through several doors to use the bathroom properly, with the door closed. Even with dementia!

THAT'S NORMAL!!

Because most people have a lot of dignity when it comes to these things. The notion of having to go to the bathroom in front of someone else or having a family member bathe you is something most people would go great lengths to avoid.

Nope my Dad just flops it out lol. Doesnt care. Even turns round to face me to talk to me! Ewww.,