Concerned About Daughter

[Kat54]

We got to have some time together for the day after Christmas. It was my ex's turn to have Christmas with them and I always worry how that day goes. When I was there it was very very stressful, lots of drama, yelling, you are not dressed correctly, go change please that outfit is not appropriate. They are good kids who never are dressed like homeless or something. Always made them change into what he wanted them to wear.  He's always been very verbally abusive and controlling .

I've been worried about my daughter who is early 20's two years out of college and not doing much. She works part time in a Dr office which was supposed to be a temp job my ex set her up with. A Dr. friend who needed extra help but she hates it and will only work a few days a week. Then she does some grocery shopping for a woman, again something my ex set her up with.
My ex is very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive.  Most times I talk to her she is with him, at the store, the beach in the summer, out for dinner. She cleans, does the laundry, though recently she's been pushing back, they  have been having dinner wars about cooking. Now no one cooks and they order take out most of the time she says.

My biggest regret and major major guilt was leaving them behind. They both were older teens, son just out of college living at home, daughter in her last year of college so it was not like I could take them with me. I had to leave as he dug in and would not. I was so desperate I moved out with almost nothing but just my clothes.

I want to talk to them both about the abuse from him. I know know deep in my heart this is holding my daughter down. She's had weight issues since she was little, and still does and much worse. My ex constantly berating her about every piece of food going into her mouth. Way back when she was little I did chime in a lot but realized it was not the right thing to do. I probably had fleas.  She's now stuck doing nothing. I can clearly see she's depressed. She see's her friends and goes out but they are moving on with new jobs, moving out. She's never had a boyfriend and she is incredibly gorgeous. I'm not trying to compare her with her friends but I see she's sad and most days when I talk to her she's so negative and she hates the world.

I recently offered her to apply at where I work, for a big hospital. I could get her anything for a job.  She can continue her education if she wants with tuition assistance, many avenues to go down. I live little more than an hour away from her house so that would mean moving in with me if she chose.  But she said she can't leave her father because he's been really sad since her brother moved out. Poor poor him, he's always been the victim playing on my kids emotions, which has distanced them from me a little.

I've never fully disclosed why I left, just bits and pieces. I'm sure they know but its never been a full on discussion. I've always really feared it would alienate me from them as they seem pretty loyal to him.  He was so abusive emotionally and verbally, yelled at all the time, belittled in front of people. The same with the kids but he was even a little physical with them. Arm twisting, hair pulling, yanked my daughter off a flight of stairs pulling her by the hair.  He even got a full on wrestling match on the floor with my son about the hat my ex didn't like on him. I cried the next day when he came home from his girlfriends with the hat my ex wanted him wearing on his head. The abuse as you all know goes on and on.

I think my daughter needs to address her issues but she needs to address the abuse because that is whats keeping her down and not living her fullest life. And its a conversation i need to have with her. But I'm not sure if this is something she needs to figure out. 

How do I approach this?  I'm not looking to tell her to conduct her life but I think she's unhappy overall.  I myself come from a dysfunctional family with my mother as an alcoholic and committed suicide. It was so incredibly difficult to confront her, we always lived in constant fear of her gong off the deep end and trying to kill herself, so thats why Im having trouble with this. I can't upset the apple cart. But its important to try and help her. I was thinking of going back to therapy myself. I don't think I have the fight to address this but it needs to be.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't have suggestions right now, but I understand your concerns. I would be worried if I were in this situation, too.

[JustKeepTrying]

Kat54

I too have two DDs in their twenties and a son who is 20.  I left with my son suddenly and my daughters have totally bought my ex's martyr story.  I can only give you my experience and relay the advice I received - what worked and what didn't

when I left I thought my DDs knew about the abuse.  I know my middle did as she witnessed him throw a wrench at me.  But they claim that they don't want to know anymore - they are putting their fingers in the ears and singing loudly so they can't hear me.  It caused a long and rocky rift between us.   I suppose I wouldn't want to know either.  It's hard to come to terms with a parent who is mentally ill.  I have struggled with the knowledge of my own parent's faults so I can understand their position.

That doesn't mean that I don't want their support or acknowledgment.  But I am coming to accept that I will never get that.

As for your daughter, be cautious.  It sounds like she may be trauma bonded?  Offer to pay for therapy - offer in a way that you are suggesting that in this pandemic hyperpartisan world therapy may be a good tool for her to build the skills she needs to transition to a place on her own.  Offer to subscribe her a meal-making service/delivery so she has more nutritious meals that she and her father can make together.  Offer to meet for coffee and when/if you do, just ask open general questions and listen to the answer.

I have found that what is working on building whatever tenuous relationship I have now with DDs is to do just that.  Ask open questions, listen and ask to follow up.  I offer nothing of myself.  It is very one-sided and selfish on their part but they don't want a real adult relationship with me.  I'm their mom, not their friend. And they are adults and there isn't much I can do.

Neither can you actually.  And that sucks.

The above advice was taken from this board.  It worked.  It's slow.  And not what I want to happen but I have come to realize it's out of my hands.

All you can do is demonstrate by your steadfastness and calm that what she has with her dad is not good.  What she could have with you is peace.

[notrightinthehead]

Kat54, that must be so sad to watch.
I am open about the abuse with my adult daughters.  I only talk about myself and how it made me feel. How I behaved as a consequence. I call it by its name.  I have apologized repeatedly to them individually and together for my behaviour - when I failed to protect them.  I have helped them finanacially and  otherwise if I could. I try to be authentic and honest, which also means I no longer cover up, normalize, or explain away the abuse. If they tell me something I find abusive, I say so.  Every thought about or every step they took in the direction of becoming independent I enthusiastically supported and praised them. I thought them the tools from the toolbox. And I repeated over and over that they would always have a home with me and would always be welcome.
If my daughter said to me that she cannot leave her father because he is so sad, I would try to say something to help her see through the fog.

I think your idea of going back to therapy is brilliant. And you can tell your daughter about your therapist and how much it helps you, and how deeply affected by the abuse you are, and how you are addressing it in therapy. Remember the saying that kids do as we do, not as we say?  Live it for her.  Show her that you  are on a healing path yourself and that she can also do it.

The reason why we don't want to talk badly -or honestly-  about the other parent to kids when they are little, is to protect them from the wrath, from becoming gaslight, from being used as pawns.  Your kids are adults.  They can be shown your truth to counterbalance his truth.