Be perfect, but not that perfect!

[Peace Lily]

My sister is the family scapegoat and I am the "Golden Child". This label fits me as I am the one my uNPD mother is supposedly proud of. I have a university education, did a Masters, became teacher and worked my way up the ladder professionally.

However, I don't feel very "golden". It's complicated. I think, at least in part, this is because my mother is conflicted. She wants the "best" daughter to fit in with her Narcissistic perception of herself, and yet she does not want me to be better than her in any way. She would boast of my achievements to others, but put me down and undermine my achievements to my face and has never said well done.

Result; I worked and worked but stopped short of getting top grades (I actually wrote nothing in an exam once and have since wondered if it was because I was close to getting a distinction- self-sabotage perhaps?). I hate to talk about my education as I feel like I'm bragging. I feel tremendous guilt about my education. I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me that I did not fulfill my potential. I feel lucky to have been able to achieve all that.   Just thinking how mixed up it is. I think I have imposters syndrome

Does anyone else have a conflicted parent who wants them to be perfect, but not too perfect? What effect has it had on you?

[Hilltop]

Congratulations on your achievements.  The self sabotage is interesting.  Your mother has never said well done and has put you down for your achievements and later you self sabotage yourself so you don't get a distinction. You feel guilt about your education and how well you have done.  I would guess that the negative feelings are your mothers words in your head, the critical inner voice is your mother's voice.  I would guess you have internalised her message and act on it unconsciously.

I would say narcissists don't like to have anyone outshine them and your achievements may in some ways make your mother look at what she has achieved which may be less and then she has narcissistic injury.  So whilst she takes the glory with other people and gets supply from that, underneath it's hitting that insecure self hatred where they sense their failings and short comings and she can't deal with that so she puts you down and doesn't acknowledge it.

Starting to see it for what it is and admitting something is wrong is the first step.  Perhaps as you think about it more you may come to see that your mothers ideas weren't based on reality, they aren't really accurate and from there you can start to see yourself more clearly rather than through your mothers eye's and with her voice.

[Peace Lily]

Thank you for commenting Hilltop.   I think you are right, my mother has installed a voice in my head, which is not always conscious, which makes it all the more difficult to confront. My behaviour in the exam I mentioned was very out of character. I was spaced out and unable to focus. I had achieved a distinction in all other elements of the course and this was the last one, so I feel maybe my unconscious self felt a pressure to stop performing.
Even typing that I got a distinction is bringing out guilt and an urge to delete that part of my post.

I am making a few New Years resolutions today. One will be about rejecting toxic guilt.

[JustKathy]

Hi Peace Lily,

You deserved a huge congratulations on your achievements. Maybe your mother paid for your college but YOU were the one who did the work and earned that degree. You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You did good! 

I was the SG in my family, but we have a lot in common here. My scapegoating didn't become extreme until I was a teen and my Nmother realized she couldn't control me. Before that, I was also pushed to be the best at everything. She demanded that I be an overachiever, but I also had to stop short of being the absolute best. If I got any praise or special recognition for my achievements she would immediately step in and take credit for it in one way or another... she had taught me everything I knew, I couldn't have succeeded without her coaching, and so on. So I was stuck walking this balance of having to be great at everything but never reaching a level of excellence that would take the spotlight away from HER.

I also ended up self-sabotaging myself later in life when I earned my Master's and had better job opportunities available to me. I always accepted whatever salary I was offered, even if it was minimum wage, and even if I knew the person I was replacing had made twice as much. I've never even tried to negotiate a good salary. I always felt guilty for being paid what I was worth. I just never believed that I deserved it.

I'm really glad you posted this from the perspective of the GC because I often wonder what my GC brother went through and how his mental state is today. I doubt I'll ever speak to him again, but I do wonder. Even though his life appeared to be perfect, I'm sure he must have been left with serious emotional problems. The more I think about our lives growing up, the more I realize that he was also abused, just in different ways. I doubt he feels very "golden" either.

I guess the short story is that no matter what our assigned roles were as children, we all suffered. My siblings, now both NC, probably have a lot in common with me. They'll just never figure it out like we did.

[JustKathy]

Okay, I guess my reply was a bit too much about me and probably not very helpful. I'm just trying to say that the guilt is very real and difficult to get out of your head when it's been there for so long. It's brainwashing, and that's pretty hard to undo. We can heal, but it takes time.

Be kind to yourself. Sending hugs your way.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi there, yes I very much relate to your post. Being perfect was the only way to avoid being nitpicked to death. I was a flip-flop between GC and SG. I was an academic overachiever from kindergarten until I dropped out of college. That might look like self-sabotage, but really I quit because for the first time I decided what *I* wanted for my life.

Then I became permanent SG. And when I achieved some things in my personal life that were "beyond" what my parents had achieved or had materially, the jealousy was insane.

I also have a very real case of imposter syndrome. I struggle mightily with buying things for myself, or being "highfalutin'" in any way. I like French food and good wine, who the hell do I think I am?!? I'm ashamed of our income. I am intelligent by every objective measure, but I still find it hard to believe others will take my opinions seriously.

I feel you on feeling shame about getting a distinction. I remember being in high school for awards ceremony. I wanted so badly to be absent that day. It was painful to hear my name so often even though I worked really hard at my classes. I was pressured hard to get such perfect grades, even though my mother would deny it to anyone who dared to suggest it. "All I expect is that she does her best!" Of course only perfection was accepted as being my "best." What got me blessed invisibility at home was putting myself literally on the stage for mom and dad to take the credit and bask in the congratulations. I am only learning now to accept compliments and let them "go to my head" I.e. actually believe them.

[Cat of the Canals]

I was supposed to be perfect, but only in things my mother had chosen for me. Anything I chose for myself, she couldn't care less about. She chose an instrument for me when I was five (coincidentally the one she had "failed" at) and forced me to take lessons until I left for college, despite the fact that I clearly had no interest in it. She claimed she wanted to encourage me musically, but that wasn't ever a problem. I loved music. I was very active in choir the entire time I was in school (both during school hours AND volunteering for extracurricular activities) and I taught myself to play guitar. She sometimes encouraged the singing (usually trying to get me to "show off" for her friends --  no thanks) but I don't think she ever encouraged the guitar. I think she saw it as a threat to "her" instrument.

Every time I've chosen something for myself and succeeded at it, I get a clear impression that it makes her very uncomfortable (PDmil is the same way about my husband, sometimes transparently so). She would much prefer I be dependent on her.

[Peace Lily]

Just Kathy, thank you for your response to my post. I'm glad that you posted your experience, that was similar to mine, as it is validating to hear that other people have gone through similar. My relationship with my uNmother is similar to yours, in that all appeared well until I was a teen. I always feel this is because she was jealous of my youthful good looks, my educational success and having a potential future laid out before me she could never have dreamed of. I always tried to be good (as GC should), but I made a few errors in not conforming to the image she had of me and all hell broke loose. I knew there was something wrong, but being in the FOG I made excuses for this behaviour and tried to make amends and get the rocking boat back on an even keel.
My parents did not pay for my education, altough they looked after me through school and paid for school trips. I had a student grant which was means tested and they were supposed to contribute e £1000 a term (in todays money)- £6000 in total, but I never saw a penny. They were always hard up, but also I think there was that envy there again.
Oh and, yes I get you also on the guilt of being paid when you finally get a job!

Gosh Call me Cordelia, I have also been there with not wanting to spend money on myself (and feeling I should instead spend it on or give it to less well off family members). I am better these days!
I am also ashamed of my wealth, always trying to play it down. As for compliments, I would always question their sincerity, when most likely they are sincerely meant in most cases.

Cat of the Canals, I am sorry your mother only encouraged you in the things she was interested in and did not encourage your potential in all areas as she should. It is sad that our mothers feel so threatened by our "separateness". I am glad you persevered in teaching yourself the guitar/ Well done you! Keep on being you and follow your (own) dreams!

[SaltwareS]

It's not your imagination. And good for you for working had.

When my sister-in-law asked at a family dinner to see my published work, I pulled it out of my bag and put it in the center of the table so she could pick it up and read it.

My npdParent immediately put their work directly on top of mine. So I pulled mine back, trying to hand it to my sister-in-law. My npdParent pulled theirs back, and moved arm around so npdParent's work *hovered* above my work as I searched for a new landing spot on the table. I kept my mouth shut.