Christmas as a Kid

[Justme729]

My PD mom visited for christmas.  It was the first Christmas I spent with her since I was a child, like age 14.  As I am celebrating the holiday with my family and going about our usual traditions, I realized I don't recall a single tradition or holiday anything as a kid.  just snips here and there.  I remember sleeping on the couch around age 5-7 trying to catch Santa.  I remember opening a few presents here and there.  I don't remember christmas cookies.  I don't remember decorating the tree.  I don't remember ever going to get a tree, even though we always had real ones.  I do remember baking with my friends in our kitchen, but I don't remember a time we did Christmas cookies. 

Here's what really gets me:   She recalled Christmas from when she was a kid and shared stories from her childhood.  However, when my daughter asked what kind of cookies we made for Santa.  I said, "I can't remember, mom what kind of cookies did we make for Santa."  She said she didn't know!   Yet, she could easily recall what cookies she made as a kid, who she made them with, and many other small details. 

I mean, I know not to expect anything.  I know she blocked out my childhood, especially anything negative that happened or makes her look bad.  I remember the christmas parties.  It just blew me away.  She said it was so nice to take part in the holiday with us and thanked me for including her in our traditions. I wish I could remember the traditions we had as a kid.  :/

[Hilltop]

Is it perhaps that you didn't actually make cookies. 

You are right that if she can remember the cookies that she made when growing up, then she really should be able to remember the cookies she made when you were kids, if you did it every year, you would remember.  I am thinking she simply didn't have that many traditions with you, if you don't remember decorating the tree, you probably didn't do it.  I can vaguely remember decorating the tree but it's there.  You do remember other things however perhaps you had a tree, presents and lunch/dinner and that were the traditions.  You may not have had a lot of other traditions otherwise I feel like you would remember that.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't know the reason you didn't spend Christmas with your mother as an older teen, but that is rather unusual. If you didn't experience it then as a major loss, maybe it wasn't! Could it be your mother was too busy projecting an image at the holidays to build those traditions with you? She just wanted the tree done, so didn't bring the kids to get it, or something like that? It's possible she knows she didn't do cookies with you, but didn't want to say so in case it reflected poorly on her to your daughter and you.

It's a shot in the dark, but it fits with my childhood experience. Christmas was mom and dad's major show to validate themselves. Connection with their children had nothing to do with it... just the appearance thereof. We didn't bake cookies either. Mom made 50-100 Christmas breads for everyone from her hairdresser to our teachers and bus drivers to everyone in my dad's office. And they had to be made individually from start to finish. Multiplying the recipe simply ruined it. When I made cookies with my kids as an adult she told me not to because, "That's too much work."  We did decorate the tree... she gave us kids a bowl of popcorn and a bowl of cranberries while she went and made the everlasting breads. We weren't allowed to eat either and she counted that we made the strings with ten popcorns and then a cranberry. There was a mountain of presents on Christmas morning. I remember sitting on the top of the steps restraining my youngest sibling until they had arranged them all just so and done a freakin' photo shoot. Of the presents, not the kids.

I think it's wonderful that you're making your own traditions with your family. That your daughter even asked about your childhood traditions shows that there's a real connection between you two. Well done and happy holidays!

[Justme729]

That is interesting food for thought, "maybe you didn't...."

It is possible we didn't do anything.  I do have amazing relatives and friends where I did pick up traditions.  She often hosted the company Christmas Party so it is possible she handled things herself so it looked just so.  She had an image to uphold and worked with doctors.  It was a big deal.  I do remember in general us kids not allowed in the kitchen and she didn't like us baking or cooking.   I look back and see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, but never my parents. 

As an older teen, my mom wasn't mentally stable I didn't live with her from 16.5 to 18.  At 15 some stuff happened, and ended up going to my aunt's house to "get away" from what was going on.  At 16, I went to visit my grandparents - since everyone was heading up there.  When I was 17, I was with my best friend.   At 18 for a long time I visited my aunt's family with my oldest child.  Once she was a bit older (preschool age) we started staying home to make our own traditions.  We've visited relatives on and off over the years, but we just love being home. 

I guess I am OK with her saving face, especially on a holiday.  My oldest child knows some of the history.   My middle and youngest don't need to know the history yet.  They'll ask questions when they're ready to hear about it.  I am OK with maintaining contact how it is which means keeping things surface level.