Felt my cousin snubbed me and rude to me at her wedding, am i overreacting?

[Sadpeach]

I went to a wedding a bit while ago, and i had social anxiety about going. I was on the fence of not attending because of my nerves. My other cousin called me and told me why was i not going because the mom of the cousin getting married told my other cousin im not going and then my cousin called me asking me why i dont want to go and how i should go and how it will make my cousin happy and how my cousin was sad that i wouldnt go. (Though we are not that close) I decided to go and was so nervous and more emotional than usual. I went since I didnt want to make her feel bad or let her down.  But me and her are not even close at all, so looking back, i cannot see how she would feel anything of me being there or not. Just like if i had a wedding, since im not close with her it wouldnt make me sad if she didnt come or  not.

But emotionally I was not ready to go to this wedding and it turned out to be a horrible experience. The wedding reminded me of my own depression about being single and my lack of success with dating, and it was very hard to not think about it.  I felt very on edge in this wedding and could not relax or enjoy myself.

So we go. my mom sees cousin at the wedding and calls her name and then mom points to me to show im here, i say hi and she says 'oh hi' and that was about it. I eventually started to get a headache since it was so hot and i barely drank any water and went to a smaller more quiet room to try to ease my headache .My cousin (bride) comes in and briefly looks at me concerned, and asking me if i was okay and i told her 'yes just got little headache' and then she just went on into the bathroom with help of her other cousin to adjust her dress and both left.

I bump into her again as she going to photo booth and so was I as my other cousin wanted to go to photo booth with me. I say 'Oh hey! you look great, princess like!)) and i see her sorta avoiding eye contact and looking everywhere else and saying thanks to me all awkwardly. I feel that she does not feel comfortable or want to be around me. We go to the booth and take pics with my other cousins. I told my cousin (Bride) congratulated her after taking the pics  on her long 8 year relationship and said how most relationships dont last so long (I meant it as their relationship is amazing/strong) and again i see her lack of eye contact, and i felt she was not interested in speaking to me. I told her how i was in the other room because of a headache and that why she saw me there looking a little out of it. That made her be nasty to me for some reason. She again looks down with a sorta of cunning/judgemental expressions and tells me in  'Well i hope you enjoyed yourself'' in a sort of mocking/cunning tone with a smile and walks away.

I felt quite.. dejected... as if i was annoying her and how she could care less about what i just said or how i felt back then and didnt want to talk to me. It certainly was a lie when my other cousin told me how she would feel sad if i didnt go, she didnt care whether i was there or not and sorta snubbed me.... i felt sorta humiliated and second guessing what i said. The last time i saw her we attending another wedding she was nice and talkative to me, and this time, she showed me an attitude i think. I told a friend about this and she said how my cousin reacted really mean to me. for saying that last line.

Do you think im overreacting? Someone said I was being annoying which really hurt me and how i was being condescending. I was trying to compliment on how their relationship was strong and ever lasting in a romantic way. My social skills are not the greatest due to my anxiety. I was trying to think of what to say and just blurted that out and This post may come across as self centered, I have major depression and anxiety and tend to internalize things. I know weddings are stressful and all. I honestly just wish I never went to this wedding at all and instead of feeling peer pressured, she clearly didnt care or notice if i was there or not i dont know why her mom and my other cousin kept pressuing me saying how sad she gonna be if i was not there

I noticed that day i encountered bit of rude people, i got dirty looks by some other people in the wedding that didnt even know me. Perhaps I looked quite ugly. Another rude thing that happened that day was when we went to the house of the sister of husband of my other cousin. I didnt know them that well, his sister was nice but her husband who did not know me at all said something strange, I told him and his wife how I thought their house was so nice and the wife was nice smiling but the husband was looking away saying ''Yeah sorry we look like trash"? Um what!? That got me thinking did i come across as snobby or something just for complimenting their house, maybe insecurity on his part since he was not dressed up. I dont know but i think that offputting interaction just made my anxiety worse and made me feel more stressed before going to my cousin wedding.

I feel silly for being hurt about all these interactions and feel selfish. I know its her big day  but i dont think thats an excuse to act rude to guests. but i still feel hurt and I felt she gave me an attitude for no reason, even though i was polite and just congratulating her and briefly explained why she saw me in the other room. I dont understand the attitude!! I am super sensitive to signs of rejection and dont know to change that. Did this sound like a nasty interaction to you? Do you think I was being the rude one and she responded rude right back?

The last time me and her both were at a wedding dinner of my other cousin and she was nice to me there and talked to me, yet  i felt she acted so mean with me at her own wedding and seemed so full of herself.  I dont know what happened or why she had an attitude with me and why she reacted like that to me in that interaction but it still bothers and hurts me to this day and dont know how to let it go. I take a lot of things personally since my self esteem is so low. It a was a HUGE mistake for me to go that wedding since it was one of the most worst days of my life. So many unpleasant emotions and memories were triggered in my mind !!!

I clearly was feeling horrible mentally to the point where i even ended up crying hysterically privately in the bathroom and i cried even more after that interaction with that cousin i had. I feel like a big baby. why did i let myself be pressured by toxic family to attend that wedding? i felt so worthless and ugly there

[clara]

I feel for you, peach, because I've never had great social skills and have a talent for saying things other people can misinterpret.  Or at least I believe they misinterpreted it.  And that's the thing--second guessing others or yourself often gets you nowhere.  You don't know what's really going on in their heads so it's easy to make assumptions.    If you ask them outright, they may not be honest with you.  Then you can sit and go over and over the encounter in your head but you get nowhere because so much information is actually missing.   

You have to forgive yourself and move forward.  You were manipulated into doing something you didn't want to do.  You see how you were manipulated.  For many of us, this is how we learn about relationships.  We weren't taught that people can behave like this, we have to learn it the hard way.  But we learn.

If you don't have a therapist, it might be an idea to look for one who can help you navigate such social interactions and help you build your self-esteem.   Going over a specific scenario with someone who's an objective observer might give you insights you otherwise can't see.  Not all therapists will or can do this so it might take some searching. 

I'm convinced most people don't give casual encounters a second thought.  I realized I tended to do so because I put myself in a state of mind where the encounter carried more weight than it really does.  I wanted to understand others and I wanted to understand what my place was when it came to dealing with others but at the same time was applying that need to understand in the wrong situations.  Encountering someone I don't know well or don't know at all doesn't carry the same weight as meeting a friend, but I gave it the same weight.  I put an obligation on them to satisfy my need.  When it wasn't met, I was disappointed and somewhat depressed because it felt like a failure on my part.  They just walked away while I struggled to figure it out. 

I couldn't understand that some things I don't have to try to figure out.  They just happened and are what they are.  People are who they are.  Their reactions and behaviors are important to me only because I made them important to me.  Separating the wheat from the chaff is a skill that is learned, we're not born with it.  Which is why I suggest maybe talking with an understanding therapist.  But beating yourself up over situations like this (and I personally don't like attending weddings of people I don't know well since a lot of weirdness goes on at weddings as it's a high stress, high stakes social situation) achieves nothing.

Learning self-acceptance diminishes the need to seek acceptance from others.  I can tell you that from personal experience, and it's extremely liberating to get rid of the ball and chain. 

[Aingeal]

Sorry you went through this     I stopped going to family events because of the strange encounters and reactions from family members that I just couldn't figure out.  It was like being invited and then made to feel unwelcome when I got there.  It was disconcerting until I figured it out.  My Narcmother was gossiping about me, you know making up stories - Narcm is a covert narcissist and pitting family against each other is her speciality.

Narcm would say just enough to anger family members (that I used to be close to) but would only "imply" something terrible about me so later when confronted Narcm could deny that she said /meant  that.  Plausible deniability .  Narcm is a PRO at it.  I experienced walking into a wedding or other occasion and having people look at me like I have 3 heads.  And getting the stink eye/ nasty side glance throughout an event.   (I actually left my brothers wedding reception early because I couldn't take it anymore and didn't know what I did  to receive such hostility.  Years later I found out it was Narcm starting trouble /drama for her own amusement.  remember - Narcs NEED drama).

It sounds to me like you were set up.  FOGged into going so your Narcm could stir the pot and start trouble in order to sit back and watch your discomfort - watch you suffer.  Narcs hate themselves so much they take their pain out on others - innocent others. 

This says more about them than you.  You did NOTHING wrong.  I believe you were targeted - just  my opinion because it sounds so familiar.  Nasty looks from people or family you did nothing to ever.  My spidey senses tell me there's a narc nearby up to no good.  Why do they do it ?  Boredom, jealousy need for drama or attention.  Don't  forget the occasion wasn't about the narc - and that drives a narc bonkers. 

In the end you felt worthless and ugly - ding ding ding - that's the narcs end game - to make someone feel like !@#!, but I assure you that you're anything but.  You seem to be a lovely person, thoughtful and kind.  Please don't let an evil narcissist win and distort your own view of yourself,  that's what they want, to make us feel as bad about ourselves as they feel about themselves .  And they hate that we have a natural inner light, a love for life. They've never been happy and never will be.  I hope you can rise above the wedding nastiness - you didn't deserve that.  Shame on them.  I can't afford therapy right now but I've been watching Kris Godinez and a few other therapists on YouTube  (Dr Les Carter is good too). to help me deal with Narcm and family members.  It's been helping a lot 

[Coyote23]

No, I objectively do not think you are overreacting. They sounded rude. I grew up with a lot of cousins in a big dysfunctional family. It's possible the one who guilted you in the first place said some nasty things about you to the bride to stir the pot.

Who knows, everyone may have had a bad day, but that's not your problem. You deserve to have boundaries from a toxic environment regardless of what is up with them.

I have learned from experience that it's easiest to decide alone what I'm going to skip and then just rsvp up front that you aren't attending so that it doesn't impact the wedding planning by incurring costs for someone who cancels last-minute. Also if you say no and stick to it up front, you can say you have another engagement, and if someone tries to change your mind it's easy, because they aren't part of your process in making a decision. I would avoid discussing your anxiety with them if they are trying to persuade you to go even when you are vulnerable about how you are feeling about going. I would plan to be busy.

My heart goes out to you and I agree with the above advice that working with a skilled therapist can help you set boundaries and sort through these dynamics.