Contact over the holidays

[Kitbit]

Every contact is triggering. Each communication feels like a betrayal of the devastated child I was. Grey rock is the best option at this time, but I hate when the darkness gets through my carefully constructed barriers. I usually screen communications but forgot. Now that one parent has died a while past, the other non biological torments me and I want to be done with it. The gaslighting and obliviousness are horrifying. I needed to share and wonder if others also struggle. Especially over the holidays, it feels like a knife slipped into my back surreptitiously, because I have so much love elsewhere at this time I forget how awful it can be. How do others cope?

[wisingup]

Oh Kitbit - I feel you! 

Each communication feels like a betrayal of the devastated child I was.

This breaks my heart & I relate so strongly to it.  I've really been struggling with interacting with uBPDm, because it takes so much out of me. Even when she's on her best behavior, her way of interacting with people is just so strange and unpredictable.

Do you have someone in your life who can help validate you following interactions with your parent?  My DH does this for me - gives me the perspective of an objective observor - and is usually able to assure me that I am responding in a reasonable way to unreasonable behavior. 

Please keep posting - you'll find the validation and camaraderie you need here, along with a lot of wisdom.

[moglow]

Kitbit I had a hard time with it myself this year. Not that there are any holiday memories to relish or share, I just had that big black hole inside and felt so alone. My last several conversations with mother last year {!) were awful and I had no desire to repeat them, but at the same time didn't feel like I could just not contct her at all. I reached out as I felt able and that was it, didn't push it beyond the minimum. Mother responded but didn't reach out herself, so it kinda answered any questions I may have had. Honestly I'd rather have that than the ugliness I had for so long and I know I'll have little hesitation to block her again. It's just not worth the damage or recovery time after.

I coped by reaching out to others, my friends and chosen family, and by reading and journaling. Talking with and reaching out to other members here helped a lot, they GET it better than anyone I know.

Just remember - you don't *have* to contact them, or accept theirs. You can shut that off. From my experience, it's very healing even if you do it for a while. Just because they expect it or because you always have, doesn't mean you can't change it. Do what's best for YOU.