Hello

[StartingHealing]

Hello,

There has been enough things that have happened that it appears that spouse has a personality disorder.  I'm taking responsibility for my end of things. 

It's soooo hard right now.

Glad to found a place like this one.

Peace

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am glad you found us.
We are here to listen when you are ready to share.

[StartingHealing]

notrightinthehead

Where to start?  Married, kids grown,(blended family) spouse keeps getting worse over time, been accused of everything under the sun by her, she cycles about once a month, gotta have that drama I guess, no sexual intimacy for the last maybe 5 years? my equipment is still operational,  Her mother had mental issues, and her aunt also.  The aunt was diagnosed with schizophrenia,

her mom.. "depression" but she did attempt suicide twice 

When we were first married it was really really good.  After about 7 years things got rocky but over the last 6/7 it's been getting worse.  We have been married about 25-26 years.

Before menopause, it was a monthly thing.  I chalked it up to premenstrual but damned if maybe it wasn't that.

Recently started to think that maybe it wasn't all me that was creating all the chaos / drama / etc and starting looking for something that could explain the wife's behavior.  Ended up finding this space among some others.

Taking a hard look at myself to see what I contribute, I am an adoptee and that has it's own crosses to bear, trying to learn,
And figured out that it's not all me. Which has really helped with the feelings of being trapped.

Peace

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe.

[notrightinthehead]

StartedHealing, have you checked out the Personality Disorders Trait list

https://outofthefog.website/traits/
and the Toolbox

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

That might be of interest to you and help you decide what you are dealing with as well as give you some ideas of how to adjust your behaviour to feel more in control in your relationship.
Feeling helpless and trapped is well known to many of us here and we are all on different stages of our journey Out of the FOG. Be patient with yourself as you practise new strategies when dealing with the difficult people in your life.
You talk about examining your own contribution to the situation. This is very wise as every personality disordered person has several people who enable their behaviour,  so if you can identify how you enable your wife's behaviour you can correct your own contribution. Often our own fear or guilt makes us do things that go against what we really feel or want. Over time we loose contact with our authentic self.  The healing journey begins when we look at ourselves and start behaving in a way that shows self respect.

[StartingHealing]

notrightinthehead

Holy Crap!  There is a lot of traits that she does.  At this moment this feels really overwhelming since there is like 35-40 of them that relates to her behavior.   

I guess I need to take things one at a time.

I know that I've been beat into "compliance" with her agenda's over the years and now that I'm starting to do something different she's really starting to act out more.

I have kind of expected it but it's still really hard.

Even with the knowledge that she has a mental illness.

Peace