Boundary issues

[Peace Lily]

I have not spent a lot of time thinking about my ILs, but my BIL definitely has some N traits. For years he barely spoke to me even when I visited and stayed in their home. Since I have been doing a bit of caring for his elderly mother along with my SO, things got better and my coming Out of the FOG has made me less fearful and I see him more as a human being with flaws, like us all. I can have normal interactions with him these days.

SO and I have had MIL with us for nearly 2 months as she was staying with us when the care home got COViD and went into 3 consecutive lockdowns. We decided not to take her back until after Xmas. She has not been too much trouble although definitely a glass half full person and is currently unwell and has refused to seek medical help, which has put stress on us. BIL (who was due to leave the country before Xmas and spend until Easter away skiing has been staying 2 doors down. He was unable to go skiing because of restrictions, but has planned a way to get round them and go on the planned 4 month holiday leaving us to support his mother).

He and his wife got Covid, but still wanted to come round to see MIL with masks on as initially they had no symptoms. I held my boundary and insisted they visit in the garden, with MIL inside with the window open. SO did not stand up to him. We spent Christmas Day alone and BIL went to stay at his usual home once he and his wife became I'll. I am not comfortable  with people breaking Covid rules (not supposed to travel), but that is their affair, not mine.

However, now, before their self isolation period is up, they want to visit MIL and simply informed MIL they were coming in a video call. I was super angry that they did not ask us if it was ok. They should know by now how I feel as I have already spoken my truth on this issue.

MIL has 2 more days to go before returns to the care home and we cannot afford for her to get Covid, apart from the fact she is vulnerable at 96 and already Ill. SO. Is still on the fencce re the Covid situation, but did tell them that Mil was too sick for visitors. Their response was to cancel a planned video call with the grandchildren as Mil obviously too sick and say they are coming anyway as they want to see a friend here!!! I cannot believe they won't try to pop in as they are " in the neighbourhood".

How do I hold my boundary with in-laws with flaky support from SO? Should I back off as they are not my "blood" family and Mil will be happy to see them? I have thought about leaving the house if they come over, but is that just childish? Any input from you will be appreciated as I am at my wits end due to this and other life stresses and have not slept properly since before Xmas.
SO and I are of the opinion that they want to visit now because as soon as they are officially out of isolation they will go to France through "the back door". This visit will ease their conscience in the long months ahead.

BIL and wife are like bulldozers when it comes to boundaries!

[Peace Lily]

SO is now in tears as they have said they are coming to visit at the house today. They have taken no notice of either of us. SO says he feels stuck in the middle and pulled in two directions.

[square]

This is just how I see it. I would hate not having SO united on this. But since the stakes are SO HIGH and this is a ONE TIME event to enforce, I'd saddle up and get ready to be one giant wall of Bad Guy. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

[square]

Oh, and to be clear, I'd:

Lock the door
When they arrive I'd go stand in front of it
NOT ANSWER IT because BIL could easily just push past
But also block SO and MIL (if she's mobile) from answering.

That's me. Bad Guy City on this. I'd be willing to ruin my day over it. Because MIL catching Covid has so many larger ramifications for you.

[Peace Lily]

Hi Square, I admire your bravery. I'm not sure I will be able to take your advice, but I feel validated that you understand my strong feelings on this issue. Thank you.
My current thoughts are that I don't want to be party to this and so will absent myself. It's not very tough, but an improvement on what my former self would have done.

[square]

Peace Lily, I'm glad you've made your choice! I will be hoping things go well. Let us know what happens! I just can't wrap my head around the pure selfishness of BIL.

[Hilltop]

Your MIL is 96 and your BIL has covid and isn't out of his isolation period and he wants to visit.  Is he trying to kill her?

I would not answer the door, if this is your house, they cannot barge in.  I would tell your DH that it will be a risk to all of you if they come over.  Everything would need to be cleaned, it's just not worth the risk.

I would really put my foot down and be the bad guy here.  Tell them that if they want to see MIL they can do so when she returns to the care home but not in your house while they should still be in isolation.

If you can't do that, then yes, I would leave the house and not be a part of it.  I really hope they aren't infectious anymore.  People are so crazy when it comes to this, how hard is it to stay away until you are completely better.  I'm sorry I hope it goes ok.

[Peace Lily]

Hi Hilltop, unfortunately this is not my house, it belongs to MIL, and she is OK with them coming around. She has all her faculties and can make her own decisions.

Bil and wife's argument is that you cannot be infectious after 10 days (they have heard this second hand from a doctor and a friend who works in a care home). However they still are testing positive and Bil still has mild symptoms and ... they are on day 8 and 9 of isolation, so not following UK isolation rules as they claim to be doing.
This whole epsiode is a red flag to me. My own dysfunctional family is very different and so I had hoped my in-laws were more functional, so to speak, however I am being forced to join some dots today. It is all about their agenda and getting  this visit in here (which is more convenient), and freeing themselves asap to be able to go on this extended holiday, leaving us with a recently bereaved, depressed  Mil to take care of. They feel they will have done their bit,, but actually they will have done nothing except stress me out and put tension in my relationship with SO. I am disappointed and saddened he has not backed me up.
One positive is that I seem to be feeling a lot of emotion ( mainly anger), which is progress for me as for many years I was just numb.Practising sitting with emotions and knowing it will pass. I have learned there are lessons in these emotions and I need to pay attention to them.

[Cat of the Canals]

I have thought about leaving the house if they come over, but is that just childish?

It's not childish at all and is sometimes the only way you can enforce your boundaries. I had a parallel situation with PDmil, who was constantly coming to our house uninvited and with little/no warning. My husband told her she needed to stop doing this. She did not. If it had been entirely up to me, I wouldn't have answered the door when she came, but since it's my husband's family, I allowed him to make that choice for himself. He usually opted to let her visit. He's an adult. His choice.

But I'm a separate person, and this boundary was important to me, so I opted out of spending time with her when she came unannounced. I'd leave to visit my family or lock myself into my office for the duration of her visit. I couldn't control her behavior, but I could protect myself from the intrusion.

I would tell your SO, "If they come over and are allowed inside, I'm leaving until they're gone."

[square]

I do agree that it being MIL's house and MIL having all her faculties does change the calculus for you - though BIL's actions are still incomprehensibly selfish.

Since MIL has her faculties then I shift it over to her. You should not need to clean up the mess if she decides to expose herself to Covid.

[Peace Lily]

I have thought about leaving the house if they come over, but is that just childish?

I would tell your SO, "If they come over and are allowed inside, I'm leaving until they're gone."

Thank you Cat. This is exactly what I did. Bil was here with his wife for an hour. It was dark outside so I stayed in the bedroom doing my own thing. It was all pretty uneventful.

Thank you all for getting me through this tough day. I really appreciate it.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm glad to hear you got through it without compromising your boundaries. Furious on your behalf that they put your MIL (and SO) at risk, though. Unbelievably selfish.

[Hilltop]

Hey Peace Lilly, you did the best thing you could and I'm glad the day went by uneventfully.  Thanks for clarifying that it was MIL's house, I missed that and as you say it's up to her if she wants to risk her health.

That is quite a risk she took however understand it is solely HER risk.  I find it useful to just sit with the emotions and let them come, I think anger would be normal.  They are not only risking MIL but yourself included. 

[Peace Lily]

Well I'm back in the bedroom again, as BIL are here again for another visit. When they came in, I was still in the main part of the house and could not get past them to escape for a few minutes. So they started talking to me as if all was normal - this I suppose is an attempt at rug sweeping, pretending there is nothing wrong. Maybe they could at least have warned us they were coming, or on entering said "oh Peace Lily, I know you weren't comfortable with us being here yesterday, would you like to go to your room again?  let's get out the way for you". No, BIL started telling me about his eye which is better today after being affected by the virus.

Apologies for the ranting, but no one here in my real world seems to understand the enormity of this. Hopefully, when my emotions subside, I can get back to being sociable with them, but my trust has been severely damaged now.

Yes Cat, unbelievably selfish and I am furious. I don't expect we'll see them at the care home for a while (even if they start testing negative) as they have got their visit in.

Thanks again for your support, I don't think I'd have been able to maintain my boundaries yesterday without you.