Pressure to conform

[salcombesands]

I've not been here for a while but things have become very stressful over the holidays. Where to begin...

Shortly after my last post some 6 months ago, I went NC with AVPD and en-FIL. It wasn't an easy decision, DH was very unhappy that I was "doing this to them" as he is GC and serious peacemaker. It was his worst nightmare.

Anyway, we've managed so far. I missed a few family birthdays and visits over to theirs. AVPDMIL has been excruciating through Covid,  become even more insular and paranoid than usual, so I imagine even if we were speaking they would have only been here once or twice in that whole time anyway?

So Christmas rolls around and of course, I knew what was coming.

For many years (DH and I have been together for 11) I've spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and sometimes Boxing Day or +1-2 other days with the IL's, SIL + BIL, plus MIL's mother. I've barely been 'allowed' to visit my own family, who don't live locally, and lord forbid if I request we go away for Christmas to visit my family...I've always towed the line.

What's worse is that because of AVPDMIL's terrible issues around fear of planning, fear of judgement, fear of commitment we have had many Christmases on our own. And I mean just me and DH, and for the last 3 years, with our DD.

I'd say to DH, ok, what's the plan for Christmas, to which he'd say, there's no plan yet, let's wait and see! So all my large family are asking me when we're around and I literally have to hang everything off a thread of hope that somehow people will get themselves together. It has never happened.

This type of lack of planning and lack of preparation isn't Christmas in my book and it makes my blood boil! We've invited them to ours many times but she has said no. I think we hosted them twice in 11 years? They stay at home and eat together, just the two of them. Never invite anyone else, refuse to go out for the day.

ANYWAY this year with the NC and my new sense of empowerment and choice I invited sister, BIL and DM to have lunch with us. Also BIL's DM came too as she's on her own, and I like her, and she's no trouble at all.

We had a wonderful day, I hosted, no drama, no stress whatsover - DH took DD over to IL's after lunch, as he does EVERY year "We don't want to see people until late afternoon" 

Boxing Day DM was with us and it was quite and subdued. Apparently SIL and BIL hosted IL's but we weren't invited, same on NYD.

DH seemed to plough through Christmas not saying a word, acting a bit stroppy at times but generally being ok.

Anyway last night he laid into me big time!

"I had to spend 4 days with you mum"

"I didn't get to sit at the table with any of my family"  - what like I've had to do for YEARS you mean?

"I'm really hurt that I didn't get to see my family on Boxing Day or NYD because of the NC situation, you're really isolating me from the rest of the family"

I don't know what to think. I understand his feelings, it can't be easy, but I feel as though he is making this all about himself and forgetting that I've endured so much grief, pain and stress over this situation and that this was MY WAY OUT.

It's like he's sucked all the joy out of everything once again.

Oh, and he's refusing to plan anything for this year. I have no idea where he gets his fear of planning and commitment from LOL

With despair, thank you for reading this.

I've booked some therapy to help me get through Jan. Hoping I stop thinking about divorce soon...perhaps

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry, salcombesands. This sounds like projection to me. Like he feels guilty about not spending more time with his family and is trying to make it your fault. That's unfair. I assume he would have been welcome to: 1. make his own plans to see his family, 2. speak up if he felt like four days with your family was "too much." If he didn't do either of those things, I'm afraid that's on him.

Don't let him suck the joy out of the nice time you had. He's an adult: if he's unhappy with the arrangements, it's up to him to find and suggest alternatives. Leaving the plans entirely up to you and then complaining afterward is very immature.

[Hilltop]

Yep he has forgotten how much time you have spent with his family over the years, he is probably disappointed that he didn't get to see his family, he is probably disappointed with how difficult it is with his family to plan and it's easier to blame or project onto you which is totally unfair.

I would remind him of how many years you have spent with his family and then say moving forward you will alternate years so it's fair.

I would aim to alternate years with family so if his family have this coming Christmas then you can still have your family on Boxing Day and New Year and the following year switch it around.  That gives your husband and you fairness.  If his family refuse to organise something then that is on them and you have a quiet Christmas at home. If your husband wants them at your house, maybe, but I would not put a lot of effort in if he doesn't.  Following  year after next, if they decide to organise something, tough, it's your families Christmas.

I went NC with my MIL however found that with some time out I was able to handle 1 or 2 days a year.  I did that for the reasons you stated, that DH wanted some holidays with them.  I found my MIL did get better, with time, with less contact and with me no longer caring. 

I wouldn't buy into him refusing to plan anything for this year, a year is a long time and I would think he is not planning anything anyway.  His parents have to plan something at their house and you can easily plan for your family to come to your house, if he doesn't want to attend he can leave.  What planning does he actually think he is doing, does he invite anyone, does he cook?  I dare say no, so his refusal of planning is simply him pouting.  Ignore.

[feralcat]

Hi. Sorry you're having to go through this. I know the feeling !
Including about the ' not wanting to plan'. Too early etc

My SG DH does this. I've come to realise it's passive aggression. Because, as Hilltop said, he IS planning - by not committing to discussing this with you , he can get he result he wants. You can't make any alternative arrangements in an adult -and fair- way.
And if you try, you'll see the underlying aggression bit. For not playing the game. Because that's what it is, a game , IMO.

And of course it won't have been his fault, because he didn't make the decision.
Ps both of my Hs have been like this. It drives me mad. Any attempt to actually play anything is deemed ' micromanagement' . Jeez