Winter comes but once a year..a bp ruins it for everyone

[nojoy_in_this]

So here I am. I should not complain. My life has drastically improved but I get tripped up by the BP spouse every few months, especially winter. So here I am again reviewing things looking for answers maybe I just need someone to hear me.

It started with Christmas season. My spouse's favorite thing to do is Christmas but he takes it too far. He wants to buy presents and drink alcohol every night. Well, on weekends he waits until Noon.

So my ex-brother in-law, but the father of my niece and nephew gets sick with Covid. It becomes a dire situation right before Christmas. I know this is my ex-brother in-law but I still feel sadness for him. We are not on bad terms with him. My sister and him totally moved on in life. My mother visited him in the hospital and it was bad. So you know we do care about him. But her description of him was bad, really bad. Suffering bad. Maybe because my dad died so tragically it really upsets me to see another person suffer. Any way, he died on Christmas day.

I was upset and began thinking about attending the funeral or visitation. I was a little worried about getting sick with Covid myself but wanted to support my family - my sister was flying in, my niece, my nephew all of their kids. This person means something to them and it will affect them for the rest of their lives. So I wanted to be there.

My spouse immediately gets on to me about even thinking about attending the funeral. But trust me, when he was dying he insisted on spreading the word to his mother (narc feeding between those two) and also insists that I ask my niece what his vax status was (while he was dying!!)

Then post death, he rails against me saying this isn't a person you attend a funeral for. So after saying that I just don't feel like I can really talk to him about it all. How much it all weighs on me. The concern I have for my niece. (She was addicted to meth and I feared this could send her right back to it) and just plain general grief for another imperfect human being.

Any how, a few days passes and he gets mad at me for not wanting to watch a Christmas movie with him. The kids did not want to either. It was post-Christmas and I was just in deep thought about the funeral. So he decides to turn on a dirty Christmas movie. I absolutly don't dig dirty movies and not Christmas ones. After about 30 minutes he sees I am not interested and gets mad and goes to bed to finish the movie. This behavior carries on to the next day and causes a fight.

So then visitation/funeral rolls around and we are not on speaking terms. I decided I will go to the visitation because I can handle it - wear a mask and keep it all short and pray for God's protection. But since we are not speaking I just leave that evening on my own. He already complained about even going to the funeral so I just went on my own - it is about a 45 minute drive for me back to my hometown.

After the visitation my mom insists on cooking dinner and the whole family comes over and it was really a nice time. It is sad he died but family time just felt right. About 10 o'clock rolls around and I get a call on my phone. My mom says 'ut oh it's (person placeholder name)'. She was right he was calling, mad. Asking where I was. I said I was getting ready to leave. I kept it short but it is sad my whole family knows I am in trouble with this BP person. They can't do anything to help me any way. They have issues as well.

So I come home and go straight to my basement bed and move on with life. But oh you know this won't go un-punished. It has been a fight ever since. It all came out today. He complained that I did not "need him". How could I go just go off to this visitation without him? Apparently it made him look bad. I am just floored. How can I person be so selfish? He makes my ex-brother in-laws death about him. He poo-pooed me even going to the funeral and then complains I did not "need" him to go.

Well, hell yeah I did not need him to go. I am there for my family and that was important to me. Why would I want someone who I wasn't on speaking terms with and also who would likely complain the whole time about it there with me???

I just needed to get that out. It is so selfish of him. This is beyond normal. Normal people surely have compassion, right? Some other person out there who I could have married could have been there for me and not made it about themselves. Surely good people exist? I made a mistake marrying him and will pay for the rest of my life.

Winter comes but once a year and I have to deal with the BP that comes with it. How much more can I deal with??

[Cascade]

Sorry to hear about your bro-in-law. I'm glad you decided to go to the visitation. It's really sad that on top of grief you have to deal with all this childish and selfish behaviour.

[Alwayseggshells]

Oh my, I feel you are talking about my life. I am new here and its crazy yet comforting to know I am not the only one. Mine is narcissistic and possibly BP. The selfishness is over the top. You did the right thing!  I hope you're not punished for to long, I totally know what you're saying. I still cannot comprehend them not seeing these things.  If you don't mind I would like to add you to my prayers. Keep up the good fight!  I am so sorry you're going through this!!